One of the most humbling experiences an individual can go through is raising kids. No matter how smart, calm, or emotionally intelligent you think you are, kids will shake your foundation for the better. For this reason, success at parenting often entails the ability to be a forever student and a willingness to pivot when needed.
Some parents turn to the internet for support when they’re fresh out of ideas and find words of wisdom in groups, forums, or social media. While this can be a way to learn effective parenting strategies, it’s also easy to fall into a cookie-cutter approach to parenting or adopt redundant parenting strategies.
Petal Modeste, a parenting expert, mother of two daughters, and host of Parenting For The Future Podcast, shares insight into trends parents should ditch this year and why.
Using Screen Time Restrictions as Punishment
When our kids begin acting out, the knee-jerk reaction may be to deny them access to things they love the most. For many of our children, that is technology. Modeste says that’s a parenting trend we should leave behind this year.
“The risks of restricting screen time as punishment outweigh the temporary benefits and include eroding parent-child trust, incentivizing kids to secretly access screens, and discouraging honest, open conversation between parents and kids,” says Modeste.
This can be a problematic parenting habit to stop, considering it usually gets kids to fall in line. However, by jumping to screen time restrictions amid conflict, you may miss out on teachable moments with your kids.
Modeste suggests fostering open communication about technology use, setting clear expectations, and encouraging self-regulation instead.
To help you curb the habit, get in the habit of pausing so you can be intentional versus reacting in the moment. Ensure you’re emotionally regulated and clear-headed before you offer up a consequence for inappropriate behavior.
One-Size Fits All Discipline
We have heard the saying that every child is different, and it couldn’t be more accurate. Because each child has unique strengths and growth areas, you must tailor your parenting and discipline approach to your child.
“Become a student of each of your kids,” says Modeste. “Ground your discipline in your values but adjust it to suit their individual needs, personalities, and temperaments.”
Consider following Dr. Daniel Ameen’s “20-Minute Rule”, where you spend 20 minutes a day of unstructured, quality time with each child, doing something that child enjoys, says Modeste.
“You refrain from asking questions, giving commands or instructions and listen more than talk. That time presents wonderful opportunities to understand each child, how [they] see the world, think, process and what inspires, annoys or excites her,” Modeste adds.
The insights you gather can help you adjust your discipline methods to fit the individual needs, personalities and temperaments of each child.
Helicopter Parenting
Helicopter parents raised some of us, and some have become helicopter parents. As the name suggests, helicopter parenting is a style of parenting where parents hover over their kids and tend to micromanage them, which can be counterproductive if the goal is to raise autonomous kids.
“Encourage autonomy and allow kids to fail and make mistakes. It’s crucial for their development,” says Modeste.
Some characteristics of helicopter parenting include being over-attentive, micromanaging them, fighting their battles, and not giving them opportunities to fail and learn from those experiences. If you’re struggling to stop helicopter parenting, it may be helpful to take a closer look at your childhood and see how that may impact your parenting style. A therapist can be beneficial if you’re struggling to unpack that alone.
Pressure to Achieve Early
If you’ve spent enough time with parents, you’ve likely had or overheard a conversation about someone’s child learning to read at two or mastering potty training by 16 months. While having high expectations of your kids is okay, it’s important to recognize when you’re putting too much pressure on early achievement.
“Well-intentioned parents who simply want the best for their kids and understand the complex, often inequitable world in which we live, often put pressure on their children to succeed,” says Modeste. “For many parents this pressure begins when their kids are toddlers.”
Pushing your kids can be a positive when it helps them develop confidence, however, trying too hard can have adverse effects, including anxiety and resentment, the expert adds.
“Focus on play-based learning, time to be bored and activities that help kids develop the emotional, social and cultural intelligence they will need to thrive in a complex and diverse world” says Modeste.
You can also pay close attention to your strengths and interests and use that information to expose them to extracurriculars that help them develop skills, the parenting expert adds.
Ignoring Mental Health
Mental health is an evergreen topic, despite how pervasive the topic has become. Modeste says ignoring mental health will no longer cut it, so parents should have open and honest discussions about it.
“Model self-care and spend time learning about mental health together. If you get therapy, tell your kids how much it helps you,” she says. “Get a “feelings doctor” for your younger kids if you think they need one or a therapist for older kids.”
This can be difficult to do, especially if you come from a background where feelings are suppressed and seldom discussed in the home. However, feelings are a huge part of parenting, so being able to discuss them without shame is critical. Take any mental health challenges your child shares seriously, and also be transparent about difficulties you’re having. Taking this parenting approach can help ensure you’re raising emotionally sound kids and that you improve your mental health in the process.
