Don’t be shy; it’s quite alright to be curious about BDSM, and that’s why you clicked on this article. If you’re wondering what the true meaning of BDSM is outside the sensationalized images you might’ve seen in the media, keep reading. Despite people writing off BDSM as a kinky sexual fetish in someone’s dank basement, it’s an umbrella term that covers a spectrum of sexual behaviors and preferences and doesn’t have to include sex.
The acronym stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism. Sometimes, BDSM can be completely non-sexual, with mental acts being more of a turn-on than physical penetration. Regardless of whether the actions are sexual, some BDSM practices must be performed with consent, given that they involve varying degrees of pain, physical restraint, and servitude. Informed consent between partners is SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-aware Consensual Kink). You can even use a word that isn’t sexually related, like orange, but the most important thing is agreeing to the safety word to stop all activity.
Acts like tying your partner up, spanking them, whipping, or directing them to crawl on all fours are just some examples of a spectrum of BDSM activities. If these acts don’t excite you, there are other options, like introducing certain smells, outfits, or scenarios to your partner instead. The sky is the limit regarding BDSM, and more Americans are entering kink culture.
Although the BDSM collectives consider inclusivity a foundational principle, some communities of color have felt left out, and recent research has proven exclusionary practices. Scholar Jennifer M. Davis’ research article “Challenge at the Intersection of Race and Kink: Racial Discrimination, Fetishization, and Inclusivity Within the BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, and Sadism-Masochism) Community” delves into the divide as the marginalization of race according to scientific research and media depictions of BDSM exacerbates the perception of BDSM as a “White- only” activity creating additional complexities for racial diversity within BDSM spaces. “While past research has not found evidence of overt racism within the BDSM community, the community nevertheless appears divided by race with the mainstream community consisting primarily of White individuals.” Other organizations, such as Black FemDoms-Atlanta and ONYX Pearls, were created to provide benefits such as education and socialization for people of color and showcase the needed diversity.
However, despite the inequities, BDSM is rising in popularity.
According to the sex-positive app Pure, Americans are leaning more into biting in the bedroom, along with edging and fingering. But what do these BDSM terms even mean? We’ll start with edging first, part sex move and part sexual preference, “edging” is a term for intentionally prolonging finishing a sexual act in hopes of making the eventual orgasm more intense. Prolonging orgasms can be done with or without a partner; you can even try solo masturbation. Biting is pretty self-explanatory.
BDSM Glossary
Here are a few other terms to help you define specific acts and roles that may resonate with you.
Aftercare: When a scene is over, aftercare is the emotional and physical care administered, usually by a top.
Age Play: When one person takes on an older role, and one person takes on a younger role.
Bondage and Discipline: BDSM practice incorporates bondage (tying, binding, or restraining someone) and discipline (punishing a submissive partner).
Bottom: The person in a scene who follows the orders and receives sensations or penetration.
Breath Play: It’s a form of play in which one participant controls their breath, including choking or holding the breath.
Consent: Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship.
Contract: An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It may be written or oral.
Dom: A dominant who is male.
Domina: A dominant who is female and embraces a feminine gender role.
Dominance and Submission (D/S): A term for a submissive person’s behaviors or rituals in a BDSM relationship.
Dominant: A person with authority in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Drop: The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene. Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop.
Fetish: This is an obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object.
Gender Play A type of BDSM play when an individual in a scene takes on the role of the opposite gender.
Impact Play: A type of BDSM play that involves striking the body. This can be done with a hand, paddle, cane, whip, flogger, or other instrument.
Masochist: An individual who likes or becomes sexually gratified by their pain or humiliation.
Play Party: A social gathering where guests can engage in BDSM activity.
Pro Domme A woman who is a professional top and dominant.
Role Play: When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee role plays.
Sadism and Masochism: This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for pleasure or sexual gratification.
Soft Limits: A limit that’s more flexible than a hard limit. It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try.
Scene: The actual BDSM activities or encounters are known as a scene.
Submissive: Someone who submits to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship or scene. Submissive can be shortened to sub.
Top: The person who performs the BDSM acts in a scene.
Topping From the Bottom: When a bottom tries to control a scene even though it was agreed that the top would be in charge.
24-7s: When individuals in a relationship engage in some form of BDSM at all times (24 hours a day, seven days a week).
Steps to take to get into BDSM
Be transparent with your partner:
Before trying any BDSM-esc acts, communication is important to ensure you agree and receive consent. Once you have consent, try to agree to start with smaller BDSM acts like hair-pulling, spanking, and hitting before moving on to bigger things.
Incorporate after-care:
Be sure to check in on your partner after doing any BDSM acts to ensure you both are comfortable. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, and words of affirmation are great forms of aftercare.
Try BDSM and bondage sex toys for beginners:
If you’re not ready to proceed with the more significant sexual acts, try some accessories. Lovehoney has a great 20-piece accessory bondage kit.