It’s been months since we’ve had sex, and I miss it. Whenever I ask him about it, he claims he’s not in the mood. I don’t think he’s attracted to me anymore.”
Every time we have sex, it’s always the same routine. I tried to suggest different things to keep myself excited, but she shuts me down. When we were having sex, she didn’t seem like she enjoyed it anyway.”
A man not in the mood for sex? The idea sounds preposterous, but more than 20 million couples have stopped getting it on because the man has lost interest in loving. And, according to a survey of 4,000 people in sexless relationships, a surprising number of gentlemen cite a very shocking reason for the decision: “Almost 70 percent say their spouse isn’t sexually adventurous enough,” reveals therapist Bob Berkowitz who, along with his wife, Susan, coauthored He’s Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex (William Morrow).
For couples who go without sex and one partner is dissatisfied, there is the risk of infidelity and even divorce. So if your sweetie’s libido has taken a dive, try these tips to rekindle the sizzle:
Take the Lead
If you want to have sex, you have to do something,” says LaDawn Black, author of Let’s Get It On (One World/Ballantine). Make the first move on your honey by giving him a full-body massage—and requesting one in return—or waking him by showering kisses on his hot spots. You may end up turning yourself on as well.
Make Time to Chat
Many women are embarrassed to talk about sex, even with their husbands,” notes Michele Weiner Davis, marriage therapist and author of The Sex-Starved Wife (Simon & Schuster). But you shouldn’t be. Take the conversation out of the bedroom and focus on what you need from him in terms of connection and intimacy. Whatever you do, don’t get angry or irritable. “Flattery will get you everywhere,” says Black. “It’s a great way to let him know you want to make love without stripping him of his manhood.”
Break Out of Your Rut
Spice up your bedroom blues by getting rid of any electronic distractions. “The bedroom should be for sex,” says Black. Once your man is focused on you instead of the remote, try a new position that will surprise him, or introduce a sex toy that’s part of your secret fantasies—or a fantasy your man has shared with you.
Get Him Checked Out
High blood pressure, diabetes or prescription medications could be causing his disinterest. Or he may be suffering from erectile dysfunction, which means his lack of interest in sex has nothing to do with how he feels about you. “Many men feel humiliated by not having an interest in sex,” says Susan Yager-Berkowitz. “They would rather shut down than see a doctor.” If he’s dragging his feet about going, Davis suggests you recommend that he get a standard checkup. If he doesn’t object, make the appointment for him and take him to the doctor. Show him that you care about your sex lives by being proactive about his health.