Plus Size Model in the City: From a Distance...

Some things and situations are exactly as I would have them. ~PAUSE~ Okay, not exactly, but they are good. ~PLAY~ Others, well, I have no idea what the hell is happening. We go through life planning and expecting and sometimes we get what we anticipate.  Sometimes we don’t. I keep reminding myself that I am not in control here.

Have you ever found yourself right where you think you want to be and then something pleasantly or abruptly interjects and shifts everything? Your soul feels it first, followed by your thought pattern and then your physical… It’s like the quote, “Watch your thoughts for they become words. Watch your words for they become actions. Watch your actions for they become… habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny!” You start to question what you thought was fact. And now you are more alert. The minor details have become signs, alarms – some loud, piercing sirens.

I’ve been here before… staring at a piece of art-pointillism to be exact. Driving myself crazy.  Up close looking at every dot. Attempting to make sense of all the pieces. Wondering what the change of color means. Trying to figure out why the different colors are running into each other at random. My eyes begin to lose focus and my head starts to hurt. I want to close my eyes for a quick second but I am afraid I’ll miss something. Thank God, I blink. An involuntary act. Outside of my control, my eyes close. I let them rest for a moment. Tears fall – the exhaustion of strained eyes, and frustration. I back up. Tired of looking at the detail yet determined to figure it out; my eyes stay on the piece. And I steady myself. Slow motion. I walk backwards. Fixated on what is in front of me. I blink. And the tears fall. I blink and the tears fall. I blink. I step back. I blink slowly. The tears fall. I step back. I step back. I step back. Still. I blink and I no longer see dots. No longer see the little points. I see blocks of color. Intersecting. I step back. Still. I focus. I gaze. And there is a full picture. A story.  A lesson. Still. And I stare. Again. Attempting to decipher the bigger picture.

Still…


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