Nearly 70% of millennial women have experienced financial abuse by a romantic partner. Let’s sit with this for a moment. This number means its highly likely that you know someone who has fallen into this group.
What’s more, contrary to popular belief, this form of manipulation happens much more often than we think, largely because of its subtlety.
What is financial abuse?
“I would define financial abuse as someone emotionally or tangentially limiting access to your money,” said Stephanie St. Aubyn, a New York City based attorney-turned-content creator that focuses on providing in-depth legal analysis of a range of pop culture topics. “This is look like anything from having a joint account with a boyfriend that continuously drains it without your knowledge, or a husband that holds onto all the debit cards and you have to ask permission to use it. Or—and this is something that younger women have sort of glamorized—when their partners gently discourage them from earning their own money, even when they want to.”
St. Aubyn created a YouTube video about the financial realities of “luxury dating” and living the #SoftLife as a stay-at-home mom. The social media-born concepts became so popular, the term officially earned its own definitions in Dictionary.com, which is described by the site as a lifestyle of comfort and relaxation with minimal challenges or stress. Some people use the term in reference to a life that involves (and is a product of) wealth and luxury, while others interpret it as simply being a simplified life unburdened from stress and responsibilities.
“I mention that there’s an emotional component to financial abuse because it might not be like, ‘no, you deposit all of your money into my bank account only with my name on it.’ Most people are not going to go all the way that far. It might be instead like, oh well, are you sure that you need to buy that thing for yourself? Which sounds innocent. It sounds very much like, ‘yeah, maybe you spent too much money. I’m just trying to nicely tell you something.’ Or maybe they’re trying to set the seed in your mind that you need to defer to me every time you buy anything.”
She also pointed out that financial manipulation can take root if there’s an inherent power imbalance.
“So, say you don’t have any money at all because you don’t work and now you are completely dependent or mostly dependent on this person,” St. Aubyn told ESSENCE. “That is not inherently financial abuse, but I feel like it opens up the doorway for it. For example, if a partner is laid off and the other starts paying for everything, that could easily lead to the financially solvent person to flex a bit and shift the power balance.”
Stay-at-home lifestyles and the fantasy of security
Aubyn also mentioned that financial abuse could easily take place in households with at least one full-time stay-at-home parent.
“Unless there’s a certain level of affluence, it can be a really slippery slope to stop working for a sustained amount of time because certain financial benefits working people accrue over the years are no longer available to you,” she said. “It’s interesting because the entry point for that is ‘Oh, I want to take a year off to raise my kids or relax a bit, and that year turns into all these years of life, which, dramatically effects your social security benefits. Because a lot of us don’t have financial literacy, that fact goes overlooked.”
St. Aubyn points out that social security and retirement benefits are based on the highest 35 years of earnings and the age one would start receiving benefits.
“So, if you don’t have any work history for 20 years, you barely get anything in Social Security. So not only are you screwed if your partner leaves, or they pass away, or even if they’re laid off, when you’re 65 there isn’t much there for you.”
She advises starting your own 401k and putting away some money, even if you don’t have a job of your own. Schwab points out that tax-deferred accounts like an HSA, 529 ABLE or a spousal IRA are still able to be contributed to without having any earned income, i.e. if your partner gives you all of your spending money.
“In my research of the topic, I saw many self-proclaimed stay-at-home moms on social media were essentially building like a vex money fund or what our older female relatives in the rural south call a hussey fund,” she said laughingly. But the topic is a serious matter.
She also shared that she’d seen a myriad of videos in which stay-at-home moms stated that they were left nearly destitute after their partner’s financial support stopped.
One user shared that she initially made the decision to stop working and stay home with her children so she didn’t miss them growing up. But after going through a nasty divorce, she said ‘she became homeless and {her children’s} life became fucked up.’
“This happens more often than not because the victim is shrouded in shame,” St. Aubyn said. “But there’s just like any other form of abuse, there’s a way out. If it doesn’t feel right, take the steps to take control of your wallet and your life.”