Oh my God. It all happened so fast. Things escalated from early morning conversations with him to late night text messages. The next thing you know, we’re having sex.  

Oh no. Just like that I’d slept with someone else’s husband. And, to add insult to injury, I was now an adulterer, because I had a husband of my own. I had become a married mistress. How did this happen? I knew I’d gone too far. Now our feelings were involved.  You see, the lust felt like love and we were caught up in a web of deception. I felt lost, like I couldn’t escape.

You see, the truth is that God sent my Prince Charming to me when I was 18 years old and I did not have to kiss not one single frog to find him. I know you’re asking how I started there and became a married mistress.

Let me start by saying my pain was not in vain, and I don’t have one regret. However, if I could have avoided a few things along the way, I would have. I decided to become one with someone before I knew how to be one by myself. What you have to understand is one is a whole. How could I become one with him when I was in pieces?

I came from a dysfunctional childhood. I lived in a home where my mom was a side chick. My stepfather was married to someone else, but was with my mom until the day he died. Although ultimately it was his wife (who lived on the other side of town) who reaped the benefits of being a wife when he passed away. She came and took everything and left my mother with nothing. I tell you all of this to say that my behavior was a learned behavior. Why would I think it wasn’t okay to sleep with someone else’s husband when that’s what was “normal” in our home? How could I know how to communicate when everything was always swept under the rug? How could I know a good man when I never had an example of one? How could I know that dysfunction was not normal?

When I slept with her husband I didn’t realize the devastation I was causing. You see, I didn’t mean to hurt her. To be honest, I was more concerned with filling my void than causing hers. I wasn’t thinking that two families and generations would be devastated. The truth is that I wasn’t thinking about anybody but myself. I didn’t mean to disrespect and disgrace my husband. My intention was not to hurt him. Again, I wasn’t thinking. If only I had said no to someone else’s husband and appreciated my own blessing, our lives would be so different now. Yes, now the scars are healing. Unfortunately, the damage is done and I will have to be reminded of this in the days to come.  Birthdays, weddings, graduations and grandchildren have all been affected.  Our families’ portraits have been altered all because of my poor choices.  To God be the glory I don’t live in my past, but the truth is I am where I am based on my own choices!!! 

Let me just say that I’ve learned my lessons, and the one is that cheating is a form of abuse and if you are knowingly sleeping with someone else’s husband you are an abuser. Not only was I abusing my husband, his wife and our children, but also the main person I was abusing was myself. I know now that I deserve the best. I had to really learn my worth. 

Some of you are being abusive and the truth is I’m not judging you because I used to be you.  Learn the lesson from what I’ve been through. Avoid the pain, the shame, the self-blame and the guilt. Avoid what may take families years to heal from. The thought that still pops in my head is if only I had said no to someone else’s husband.

The power we posses as women can be used to build or destroy. What will you use your power for?

Tray Kearney is the creator of The Woman to Woman Show and the #nosidechicking movement on social media and the author of It’s Healing Time: Restoring Hope In Women After Infidelity.

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