So lately you’ve been fantasizing about getting busy with Terrence Howard or knocking on your handsome neighbor’s door for more than a cup of sugar. And sometimes these ideas pop up during sex with your man or a nap or in a meeting at work. But before you call Oprah, know that this is normal. “Having fantasies doesn’t make you obsessed with sex,” says Gail Wyatt, Ph.D., a Los Angeles sex therapist. “It means sex is in your brain and that you have a healthy way of getting your body to trigger a sexual response.” Having steamy dreams and sharing them with your man, however, are two different things. Know your man well before you tell him what’s going on in your head. The following three questions can help you determine what’s worth revealing:
Who’s the Main Character? When it comes to the sex movie in your mind, chances are your man’s scenes have been left on the cutting-room floor. Eighty percent of women and 98 percent of men have sexual fantasies about folks other than their partner, according to a survey published in the Journal of Sex Research. “You can think of someone other than your man if it gets you aroused,” Wyatt says. But you probably don’t want to tell him the real deal. So if he asks you what your fantasy is, keep the one about your sexy coworker to yourself. “Share the fantasies about what you want done to you,” advises Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City. “If you’re watching TV and there’s a hot scene that relates somehow to your fantasy, turn to your partner and say, ‘Here’s what I like about that scene.’ “
How Well Do You Know Your Man? If it’s early in the relationship and you haven’t quite figured out what rocks his world, a freaky fantasy could freak him out. It helps to feel at ease with your partner first. But after enough heart-to-hearts, slowly broach the topic. “Men are visual creatures,” says Kiki Rockstar, author of Under the Covers: Bedtime Stories for Adults (Somerville Publishing). So try bringing props into the bedroom, like wigs or sexy heels, to get the party started.
Are You Prepared for the Result? In a best-case scenario, talking about your dreams with your partner can take your sex life to another level, Davidson says. But prepare yourself for the possibility that it could fall flat. “I’ve heard women complain about doing a threesome with their partner-something they had dreamed about-because their erotic guest got more attention than they did,” Rockstar says. This potential outcome is perhaps the best reason to take Wyatt’s final piece of advice: “Don’t think you have to act on every thought.” Translation: Keep your fantasies to yourself, and you’ll never have to worry about being left out of the action.
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