• Celebrity
    • OTE – Screen Kings
    • Daniel Kaluuya Digital Cover
    • Digital Cover Method Man
    • Digital Cover Zazie
    • Celebrity News
    • ‘Yes, Girl!’ Podcast
    • Entertainment
    • Black Celeb Couples
    • Celebrity Moms
    • Red Carpet
    • If Not For My Girls
  • Fashion
    • ESSENCE Fashion House 2022
    • Fashion News
    • Street Style
    • Accessories
    • Fashion Week
  • Beauty
    • Best In Black Beauty 2023
    • ESSENCE Hair Awards 2022
    • AVEENO Skin Health Startup Accelerator
    • Beauty News
    • Skin
    • Makeup
    • Nails
    • Girls United: Beautiful Possibilities
  • Hair
    • Hair News
    • Natural
    • Relaxed
    • Transitioning
    • Weave
    • 4C
  • Love
    • Love & Sex News
    • The Solve Podcast
    • Weddings
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Lifestyle
    • Black History Month
    • ESSENCE Gift Guide 2022
    • ESSENCE + smartwater Live Well Challenge
    • Build Your Legacy 2022
    • Dream & Plan with Confidence Prudential
    • AMEX Platinum Travel
    • Homecoming Season 2022
    • Lifestyle News
    • Health & Wellness
    • ESSENCE Eats
    • Money & Career
    • Entrepreneurship
    • Travel
    • Food & Drink
    • Black Travel Guide
  • News
    • Latest News
    • Paint The Polls Black
    • Raise Your Voice
    • Culture
    • Politics
  • Video
  • Festival
    • 2023 ESSENCE Festival Of Culture
    • 2022 Fest Videos
  • Events
    • 2023 Wellness House
    • 2023 Black Women In Hollywood
    • 2023 HOLLYWOOD HOUSE
    • 2023 ESSENCE Film Festival
    • 2022 Girls United Summit
    • 2022 ESSENCE Fashion House
    • 2022 Homecoming Season
    • She Got Now
    • Dear Black Men
    • I Am Speaking
    • Power Tools
  • Studios
  • Girls United

WHERE BLACK CULTURE, COMMUNITY AND CONSCIOUSNESS MEET

Sign up for ESSENCE Newsletters the keep the Black women at the forefront of conversation.

Your email is required.
Your email is in invalid format.
Confirm email is required.
Email did not match.
Select the newsletters you'd like to receive:
Please select at least one option.
By clicking Subscribe Now, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.
Skip to content
SUBSCRIBE
  • MAGAZINE
  • NEWSLETTER
  • Celebrity
    • OTE – Screen Kings
    • Daniel Kaluuya Digital Cover
    • Digital Cover Method Man
    • Digital Cover Zazie
    • Celebrity News
    • ‘Yes, Girl!’ Podcast
    • Entertainment
      • The State Of R&B
    • Black Celeb Couples
    • Celebrity Moms
    • Red Carpet
    • If Not For My Girls
  • Fashion
    • ESSENCE Fashion House 2022
    • Fashion News
    • Street Style
    • Accessories
    • Fashion Week
  • Beauty
    • Best In Black Beauty 2023
    • ESSENCE Hair Awards 2022
    • AVEENO Skin Health Startup Accelerator
    • Beauty News
    • Skin
    • Makeup
    • Nails
    • Girls United: Beautiful Possibilities
  • Hair
    • Hair News
    • Natural
    • Relaxed
    • Transitioning
    • Weave
    • 4C
  • Love
    • Love & Sex News
    • The Solve Podcast
    • Weddings
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Lifestyle
    • Black History Month
    • ESSENCE Gift Guide 2022
    • ESSENCE + smartwater Live Well Challenge
    • Build Your Legacy 2022
    • Dream & Plan with Confidence Prudential
    • AMEX Platinum Travel
    • Homecoming Season 2022
    • Lifestyle News
    • Health & Wellness
    • ESSENCE Eats
    • Money & Career
    • Entrepreneurship
    • Travel
    • Food & Drink
    • Black Travel Guide
  • News
    • Latest News
    • Paint The Polls Black
    • Raise Your Voice
    • Culture
    • Politics
  • Video
  • Festival
    • 2023 ESSENCE Festival Of Culture
    • 2022 Fest Videos
  • Events
    • 2023 Wellness House
    • 2023 Black Women In Hollywood
    • 2023 HOLLYWOOD HOUSE
    • 2023 ESSENCE Film Festival
    • 2022 Girls United Summit
    • 2022 ESSENCE Fashion House
    • 2022 Homecoming Season
    • She Got Now
    • Dear Black Men
    • I Am Speaking
    • Power Tools
  • Studios
  • Girls United
Home · News

Adventures of a Singlista: Love Lessons

I wondered what was going on, because it seemed like everyone's relationship issues were coming to a head this week. Was Mercury in retrograde? According to the cosmic calendar, it isn't, but in the last week everyone seemed to have broken up or they were ready to talk, at least to me, about their recent breakup or relationship issues...
Adventures of a Singlista: Love Lessons
By Lisa Bonner · Updated October 29, 2020
lisa_bonner_singlista-1.jpg
I wondered what was going on, because it seemed like everyone’s relationship issues were coming to a head this week. Was Mercury in retrograde? According to the cosmic calendar, it isn’t, but in the last week everyone seemed to have broken up or they were ready to talk, at least to me, about their recent breakup or relationship issues. Relationships are difficult, but breakups it seems, are even more so. And when we’re in that headspace, it seems as though we’ll never get over the pain. The good thing is that we all know that at some point, our pain will subside. It may seem like a long time coming, or even that it will never come, but rest assured, it will. You immediately know when that moment arrives because you welcome back the old “you,” and if you’re lucky, a stronger, more vibrant, new and improved you, because you have learned invaluable life lessons about yourself and life in general. The first and perhaps most valuable lesson we need to learn is: don’t lose yourself in a relationship because you have a man in your life. I had a long conversation this week with a good friend who went through a recent and protracted breakup. She was still processing the pain, struggling with her feelings of knowing that it is over. My friend confessed that she had very few people to talk to because she lost her connection with many of her good friends during her relationship. Let’s be honest, as women, we tend to jump in with both feet and give the relationship our all. We pour our heart and soul into the relationship, often to the detriment of ourselves, our other interests and relationships. We dedicate all of our free time and energy to this relationship and we look up, and like my friend, you have no one to talk to because you have focused all your time, effort and energy on this man, who has now faded into the ether of the universe. Good girlfriends are forever, yet statistically speaking, most of the boyfriends in our lives will be transitory, so act accordingly. Second lesson: always go with your gut. I once read something that stuck with me: the most famous euphemism for God is “Something told me.” I had a conversation with another girlfriend this week and she confided to me that a man she dated had asked her to do something for him that was very outside of her character. Although it was nothing illegal or immoral, she said that she had very strong reservations about it, yet she did it anyway. She confessed that she did it because she liked him, and she thought, or better yet, hoped against hope, that the relationship would work out, despite the handwriting on the wall. One year and several buckets of tears later, she was still trying to unravel the process. She came to me for girlfriend advice after the fact, and told me that every fiber of her being advised her against it, yet she proceeded anyway. She said that she wished she had listened to her initial gut reaction. When you think about it, how many times has that inner voice steered you wrong? Probably not too many times, so always go with your first mind. Lastly, be that person that you want to attract. If you want honesty, be honest. You want a successful man, work on that for yourself. The universe always provides because nature abhors a vacuum. Just what it provides is up to you. So choose your thoughts and actions wisely, and act accordingly. I don’t want to appear that I think I have it all together because I struggle on what seems like an hourly basis to keep my head on straight when it comes to guys. I am at a legal conference this week that conflicted with a trip that my Parisian guy was taking. When he told me that he had to go to Barcelona for work, I thought long and hard about nixing this legal conference and hopping on that plane for Spain for a long weekend of romance and tapas. There are several reasons why this would have been a horrible idea: first, and most important, is this is a legal conference that has informative panels and continuing legal education credits, both of which are important to my career. Second, this is the one annual conference where I get a chance to reconnect with colleagues and friends from across the country, and I look forward to seeing everyone. My brother and his wife also come every year from San Diego, so we make this a mini vacation of sorts. So, I had my work cut out for me: I had to check in with myself and put into practice all of the lessons that I’ve learned and consistently struggle with. The Parisian was going to Spain to handle his business and I needed to handle mine. I enjoy coming to the BESLA conference and reconnecting with friends and family, and I don’t want to kick them to the curb because I have a blossoming romance. I instinctively thought (“something told me”) that it was a bad idea to go to Barcelona because of every reason that I have mentioned in this paragraph and column. I decided to handle my business and stick to the plan to come to this conference. The irony of it all is, had I decided to go, I would have been stuck in New York while my colleagues and friends handled their business and enjoyed a bit of fun and in St. Maarten because the strikes in France have shut down planes, trains and there’s rationing on gas for automobiles, so he wasn’t able to travel. I narrowly dodged that bullet, but I recognize that I am a work in process. I know that I will stumble, and second and third guess myself along the way. But what I have learned to do is to check in with myself and use these life experiences to make better and wiser choices. I seem to be learning from my own mistakes, because experience is the best teacher. My hope is that I am inching closer to graduating from the school of hard knocks with high honors.
COMPANY INFORMATION
  • Our Company
  • Customer Service
  • Essence Ventures
  • Change Your Address
  • Contact Us
  • Job Opportunities
  • Internships
  • Media Kit
  • tag
SUBSCRIBE
  • Newsletters
  • Give a Gift of ESSENCE
  • Magazine Tablet Edition
FOLLOW US
MORE ON ESSENCE
  • Home
  • Love
  • Celebrity
  • Beauty
  • Hair
  • Fashion
  • ESSENCE festival

ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc.

Essence may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Offers may be subject to change without notice.

©2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Essence.com Advertising Terms

Get The ESSENCE Newsletter and
Special Offers delivered to your inbox

By clicking Sign Up, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Get The ESSENCE Magazine
by subscribing below
subscribe now