When arguments or disagreements arise in your marriage, the first thing many of us do is run and vent to the first person – other than your spouse! — who will listen. The issue with here is that we seek advice from others without stopping to consider the source. Can they relate? Are they married? Have they experienced anything similar? Do they share your values? With certain touchy subjects, it’s always best to just avoid bringing them up with others altogether. Based on our work with many successful married couples, these nine topics should be left out of social or group conversations.
This is such an intimate and private matter between you and it should definitely not be shared with your friends. The reason is because you don’t want to draw attention nor temptation where it shouldn’t be. No matter how great or horrible your comments may be, people form their own opinion and may begin to give them a twinkle or side-eye depending on what’s said. Not good.
Infertility is a delicate struggle, which is already very frustrating for you both. It’s so easy to play the blame game. Whose fault is it that we can’t conceive? This can be extremely tough to endure. The process alone adds pressure to the relationship, but when complications occur and you are blaming each other and discussing it with others, it can make the other person feel guilty or inferior with all eyes on them.
Finances can be stressful in any relationship and can often be embarrassing if you’re at a point where ends don’t meet. You would never want your friends viewing your mate as irresponsible or negligent, especially if it’s during a tough time. On the other hand, if your money is flowing freely, it’s not good to flaunt that either because it can make you seem materialistic. Keep in mind that not everyone is at the same place financially. If your friend or even her significant other is not doing well and you’re continually saying how great your finances are, you could be causing problems in their home or even jealousy which could lead to ill feelings and bad advice.
Infidelity is one of the leading causes of divorce today with statistics showing that it continues to grow every year, especially among women! When one spouse decides to share their infidelity with friends and family out of hurt or anger and later decides to reconcile, so often the friends and family have already formed a grudge or a negative opinion. Now you’ve forgiven each other and have decided to work on your marriage, which can be difficult enough, and you you have all of these negative influences just waiting to say, “But remember when?”
Yes, boredom can be a real issue in a marriage and if shared with the wrong person, it can lead you down the wrong road. So you need more excitement and have found yourself in a monotonous routine? Don’t call a friend. Your first point of contact should be your spouse.
If you would like to share your own medical conditions with your friends, that’s one thing, but it’s not your place to share your spouse’s condition unless you have their permission. Keep in mind, everyone handles sickness and challenges in different ways and he’s the one facing the challenge. He may not even be up to talking about it just yet so be sensitive to what he’s going through and ask for his thoughts about sharing a diagnosis with your friends and be sure to explain the reasoning, i.e. moral support, prayers, help with the kids, etc.
Whew! So your mother in law constantly comes by rearranging your house, delivering your man’s favorite meals, and lending her two cents every time your kids do something wrong? It’s hard to hold your tongue but easy to call a friend rather than discuss this with your husband. Don’t!
Couples often have different communication styles. Many women we coach will allow a series of events to occur over a period of time and talk to their girlfriends about it while not uttering a word to their husband. It keeps the peace for a while but then, one minor issue will take them over the edge, and by this time, she’s furious and will rant about all the issues at one time. The problem with this is 9 times out of 10, the husband has most likely forgotten about the original issue so it makes her seem petty and nitpicky. So although you think you’re defusing the situation by talking to your friends, it’s best to cut out the middle-man (or woman in this case) and form an agreeable time frame and format that’s best for both you and your hubby when things need to be discussed.
We all know that it is so easy to add on pounds when we’re comfortably in love, have had a few children or even with just the added pressures of a fast-paced life. This can definitely be a sticky conversation because you don’t want to hurt your spouse’s feelings so it’s just easier to call a friend and vent. Instead of picking up the phone, try talking to your spouse.
Our thoughts are that you should surround yourself with both married and single people who support your institution and will be there to love you both by giving encouragement and ultimately lead you back to each other during troubled times. Try your best to keep these and other pressing issues between the two of you because in the end, you’ll appreciate each other more for it and you can both celebrate once you’ve worked out a solution together. Here’s to love!
Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking is an exclusive agency of “heart hunters” led by The Matchmaking DUO™ (Kelli Fisher & Tana Gilmore). They provide matchmaking services personally designed to accommodate busy, successful professionals who are seeking long-term love. They pride themselves on giving their clients a lot of what they want, and even more of what they need. For more advice from them visit their site or follow them on Facebook or Twitter.