You’re just realizing that all that dating you’ve done since you ex has been all about searching for another him. Only there’s just one big problem: There’s no such thing. Now you’re wondering to yourself, was it really that bad when you were together? Now that he wants to try again, how do you know whether you should run or stay? We get it, and here are 10 questions to help you make your decision.
Have you seen changes for the better in his life overall excluding you? Yes you can probably get in there and start over where you left off. But during your time apart, what adjustments has he made to the core issues that broke you up in the first place? Remember, you are considering getting back together with the man you see in front of you today, not the dream of what could be.
Have I changed my perspective on the things he didn’t like about me? Take a moment to reflect on what absolutely irked him about you and see if you’ve become any more flexible on those issues or behaviors or not? Make a list and be honest with yourself on where you stand now that some time has passed. Chances are, if it bothered him before, it will bother him even more again because now you both risk that age-old saying coming back, “That’s what I didn’t like about you before!”
Are you both totally single now or is there someone else to be concerned with? Usually either one or both of you have started a relationship with someone else during your breakup. Have a conversation sooner rather than later to insure that there is no one else who has believed all this time that they had something special and had plans to move it forward. Not only confirm it verbally but obtain some kind of proof (or be prepared to show some if it’s you) that all parties are well aware of your presence and it’s absolutely over between them. It’s so easy to keep the other person close by “just in case” things don’t work out but either you’re all in or you’re not.
How will his family/friends and your family/friends receive the news? If you decide that you want to try it again, family and friends need to be given a heads up that this is what your heart is telling you to do and the two of you have cleared the air. This can be difficult if you’ve bashed each other and shared all the dirty laundry from the past. But ask for their support and even when someone decides to bring up negative incidents or arguments, politely let them know you’re starting over and don’t condone it whether you’re in his presence or not. Eventually they will get the hint and honor your boundaries. Be prepared that you might lose some relationships along the way but if your desire is to stay together this time; it’s all worth it.
Am I prepared for naysayers? There is always that group who will say it’s not a good idea, whether it is or not. Only share the possibility of your getting back together with a very small group of people who you love you (and even him too) whose only objective is to see you happy. Whether it’s a friend who has the ability to be objective, a Pastor, mentor, or couple you admire, make time to share with them the pros and cons of getting back together and listen to their opinion with an open mind. Evaluate the feedback and see what works for you and what doesn’t. Usually your heart will resonate with the truth.
Are we open to dating first? – Depending on the amount of time that’s passed, you two have most likely evolved since you were last together. It’s easy to want to fall back to the way things were in full swing immediately because it’s often a comfortable place. But consider taking things slower and get to know each other again. Meet out for dinner or coffee or even take a walk in the park together throughout the week to build a new bond. If that’s not an option, evaluate why the rush?
Is this a consideration due to loneliness? Most rekindled relationships that turn out to be successful are when two complete people come together and choose each other without any other baggage to consider. Whether it’s because you and your most recent boyfriend after this relationship just broke up or you’ve just been unsuccessful finding anyone else. Those are not good reasons to go backwards. But if you’re happy and whole and just realized you had a good thing, that’s a great place to start.
Are you confident this is the very best person for you? If you take away who you’ve met or haven’t met and how your life is today, does this person’s characteristics line up with the very basic things that you need in a relationship? Some women need a faith partner, others need someone who believes in them, while others would say that an honest, trustworthy man is the most important. Make a very short list of your needs without him in mind then cross reference and see where he falls on the list. You’ll see very quickly if this is a good idea or not if you’re honest with your answers.
Are you being fully transparent with him and vice versa? – Communication is so key to making a relationship not only survive but thrive. Don’t be afraid to have a candid conversation detailing first where you feel you went wrong before and come with some solutions and then allow him to do the same. We know that this can be difficult because if one or both of you want to be back together badly, you run the risk of someone deciding that it still won’t work based on this conversation. But the goal is to save yourself the heartache again early on if you still can’t see eye to eye and if it’s determined that you can, you’ll have a solid plan that’s acceptable to both of you on how best to move forward.
At the end of the day, it’s your decision whether to try again or not. What we’ve learned is, sometimes we think the grass is always greener on the other side BUT “if you water your own grass everyday, it will stay green”! If you decide a DUOver is in order, you may find our book Relationship DUOvers helpful to start off on solid footing and do your part to make this a success this time around.
Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking is an exclusive agency of “heart hunters” led by The Matchmaking DUO™ (Kelli Fisher & Tana Gilmore). They provide matchmaking services personally designed to accommodate busy, successful professionals who are seeking long-term love. They pride themselves on giving their clients a lot of what they want, and even more of what they need. For more advice from them visit their site or follow them on Facebook or Twitter.