Intimacy Intervention: ‘Will a Threesome With His Mistress Save My Marriage?’

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I am considering having a threesome with my husband of 10 years and his mistress. I just found out that he has been cheating on me for four years with this woman. I feel humiliated and don’t know how I didn’t see the signs.

The woman works at his job and I know her. We’re not best friends or anything but I have met her at company parties. Our daughters also go to the same school. She even came to a BBQ we had.

Here’s the twist: My man and I have fantasized many times about having threesomes with this woman! I don’t remember now whether it was him or me that initially brought her into our fantasy life, but it is a regular thing. Now the thought of looking at this woman disgusts me.

I asked him if he loved her or if it’s just sex and he said, “I don’t know.” I asked if he wanted to be with both of us and he said, “Is that a possibility?”

Prior to this, I considered us to be best friends. I feel stupid and hurt but just want my man back. Do you think that if I open our marriage up to the possibility of an open relationship or threesomes with this woman it could save it?

Please help. I am willing to do anything.

Signed,

Sad Girl

My Dearest SG,

I don’t see much that shocks me. This is a judgment-free zone and I consider it an honor and a privilege to hold a safe space for your troubles, joys and pains. However, I read your letter with both hands over my heart. Your energy of sorrow and desperation is palpable.

Ironically, you wrote on the same day as another woman asking for threesome advice. She is looking to happily embark on a joint adventure with her man. My upcoming answer to her is quite different than my answer to you.

Beloved, I am sorry for your loss. The loss of the love you thought you had, first of all. Secondly, the loss of your dignity if you continue on this course. As a coach, I teach that anything between consenting adults goes but be clear. If you have a threesome with your husband and the other woman you are not a consenting adult at all.

News bulletin: Your man has been in a relationship with another woman for almost half of your marriage. You cannot attempt polygamy, a relationship with multiple partners, when you have not conquered monogamy. Your husband is a selfish infidel who does not have your best interests at heart. The saddest part of the equation is that you don’t have your best interests at heart either.

To consider being sexually intimate with a woman who has partnered with your man to desecrate your marriage, your home and your very sense of being is self-abuse and self-harm. You mention that you have a daughter. Is this the kind of self-loathing that you want to model for her in her future relationships?

My queen, I am so sorry to inform you that your marriage is a sham. Pardon my abrasive tone but this is a 911 situation for your self-worth. Whether or not your husband joins you, I recommend that you immediately find a therapist or coach to help you unpack the delusional madness that you’re living in.

To be clear, sleeping with the woman you husband cheated with may or may not save your marriage but it will not save your self-esteem. I wish you abundant self-love and self-respect.

Passionately yours,
Abiola

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.