Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on networks from MTV to the BBC and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I have found out that my man of seven years has been buying women’s panties, used panties, online. I am completely disgusted. I can’t even look at him. As far as I know, he has never met any of these women. They are from all over the country and he chats with them on WhatsApp before and after they send the “gift.” His nickname on WhatsApp is “Panty Thief.” He has spent $150 to $600 for these “gifts” during a time where we need the money. I searched his history and found him buying these gross ass drawers from other black and brown women, but who look nothing like me. Who know chicks were out there selling their drawers?!! I have been crying nonstop for a week. We have three kids we are raising together. A baby girl and then each of us had a son already. He has never even asked for my underwear or indicated that he had this kind of interest. He’s not even into lingerie with me. We haven’t even had sex at all in this calendar year. It doesn’t look like he’s having sex with anybody else, but I don’t know. Is he cheating? Is this cheating? Would you consider buying used patnies cheating? I feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who he is or even who I am anymore. Should I leave him and take the kids?? Please help!
In the Dark
Dear Sacred Bombshell,
Take a deep breath. You are still you.
Any betrayal causes us to question the world that we thought we knew to be real. Your relationship has lost sexual integrity. You are not alone.
Your man has a used underwear fetish. To answer your question about whether this counts as cheating, look in the mirror at the tears rolling down your cheek for the answer.
Your man has also been living a secret life. Any fetish between consenting adults is fine. However, if there is a fetish or secret sexual or emotional life that only one party in the relationship is engaged in, yes, that is betrayal and infidelity. But you have to decide what this means for you and your relationship.
You did not indicate whether you confronted him. Send the kids to a family member for the weekend and have an honest series of conversations. Know that most people cannot surrender a fetish on demand. However, he may or may not be able to choose whether to participate.
Used underwear sales are big business. Purchasers pay for different kinds of used panties with various bodily fluids from sweat to menstrual blood. Sellers charge more depending on how long they wear the pieces.
Most of the time, the individuals involved in the panty purchasing transaction never meet. They do often have an ongoing digital relationship with the man making requests of what he would like to purchase next. Some sites specifically allow women to sell completely anonymously. In Japan, the used underwear transactions even happen in vending machines and stores.
As for why your man has never included you, maybe the fetish includes underwear from strangers or maybe he has a separation in his mind about the wife/mother of his children and these other women. Maybe he feels shame or embarrassment. Like almost all fetishes, the taboo element plays a part.
All of this is speculation until you have a real, raw conversation with him. I suggest you see a couple’s therapist ASAP, whether you are choosing to stay in the relationship or not.
My beautiful sister, please allow yourself to be supported as you go through this life-shifting ordeal.
Although I don’t know if your husband is a sex addict, you may find the following book helpful: “Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts.” (book link: http://amzn.to/2l0c0px)
Lifestyle guru Abiola Abrams is the author of The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love and founder of Womanifesting.com. Download Chakras on Fleek, her latest meditation album, free, with the coupon code “LIFELOVESME” at ChakrasOnFleek.com. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.