Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
Dear Abiola,
This is the most embarrassing letter I’ve ever written. I’m almost 35, I’ve been engaged twice (to men), and last year, I came out as a lesbian to my closest friends. My family doesn’t really know because it’s none of their business yet.
Now I am in love with a woman. We’ve been seeing each other intensely for about a month. Sexually it’s all been making out, kissing, touching and clothes half off, which is hot, until I stop it. Now it’s time to take it all the way there.
The problem is me. I’ve been with lots of guys but when it comes to girl-girl sex, well, can I call myself a virgin?
My best friend asked how I know I’m gay without having sex. I told her the same way she knows she’s not. Either way, I am really into this girl. We’ve known each other for years but we just started dating. She doesn’t know that I’ve never had sex with a woman because I talk a good game. She also wants to hold hands in public and go to lesbian bars, but I’m just not there yet.
How do I jump her bones without making a fool of myself? When I was with men it felt like a performance and I don’t want that anymore. I’m also not totally convinced that I’ll never be with a man again either. I’ve been trying to watch lesbian porn for pointers, and I guess it’s probably not helping because I just feel lost. I feel dumb because I made this whole big “I’m a lesbian” declaration and now I have nothing to back it up.
Help please!
Lipstick Lena
Dearest LL,
Greetings goddess! Congrats on coming into your own, queen. There is nothing more powerful than having the courage to say, “Hello world. This is me.” You have every right to feel proud of who you are and to choose when, how and whom to share your truth with.
If it helps, absolutely consider yourself a virgin in this area. As I say in Therese Shechter’s upcoming documentary How to Lose Your Virginity, we can lose our virginity in many different ways. As a virgin or newbie to sexual intimacy with other women, you have no reason to feel “dumb.” The first time we do anything is often awkward. Having sex is like swimming, you can get tips from a book or film but the only way to figure it out is to jump in.
The first step is being honest with your girlfriend. The only way to build a healthy relationship is communication. Tell her that you have never been physical with another woman. This will not only allow her to take the lead but it take the pressure off. If you’re not honest she may read your pulling back as rejection.
You are 100-percent right that your sexual pleasure should feel genuine rather than a performance. That is your birthright. If you feel that you may still be interested in men, that may make you bisexual rather than a lesbian. However, labels are irrelevant. Most human beings don’t fit easily into boxes.
As a Passionate Living Coach, I recommend the advice guide, The Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks by Jen Sincero. Overlooking the “tongue in cheek” title, she covers all things “girl-on-girl” from pickup lines and first-time nerves to toys and techniques. It’s important to be in the moment with your lover. Sexual relations are more than penis-vagina intercourse. One could say that you have already been having sex with her by “making out!” You may also find pointers in Longing, Lust, and Love: Black Lesbian Stories by Shonia Brown.
Most lesbian adult films were created by and for straight men. You want movies created by lesbians for lesbians. In addition, Nicole Breedlove of OurSistaCircle.com created this free social network for black lesbians. Finding a community can help you realize that you’re not alone. The most important thing for any of us on the planet is that we feel good in our skins and love ourselves unconditionally.
Ready LL? Here’s the most revolutionary advice for knowing what pleases another person: ask! Your partner may have the same equipment but have completely different reactions. Also, know your body and what makes you feel good. The more comfortable you feel with yourself, the more comfy you’ll feel with her. If you need one-on-one or couples’ advice and coaching, consider therapist Dr. Bukky Kolawole who specializes in LGBTQ issues.
Love is love. Kudos to you for finding someone who makes you happy. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time, gorgeous one. You may never march in a Pride Parade or you might attend every single one. You may never frequent lesbian clubs or you may enjoy them every night. All that matters is that you feel authentically like YOU!
Passionately yours,
Abiola
Courtesy of Abiola Abrams
Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams 
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.