Intimacy Intervention: ‘He Wants Me to Choose Between Pole Workouts and Him!’
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

For a long time, I felt out of touch with my body and myself. I hated my dark chocolate complexion, the way I looked and everything about myself. I even hated sex because I never thought anybody could think someone who looked like me was sexy.

Then my friend invited me to a pole fitness class two years ago. Everybody knows me to be conservative. Doing something like this isn’t “me!” I was reluctant but I went and it changed EVERYTHING! Now I feel sexy and beautiful. My body is fit and toned, I feel in control of myself and I love who I see in the mirror. My friends even say I move differently.

With my new attitude I met a new man. He is very successful and says that one day he wants me to be his wife. We’ve been dating for almost 2 months. The problem is that the thing that most turns me on to myself turns him off. He says he can’t see any wife of his as a pole dancer or “pole ho,” his words.

He knows that I work in a bank and I’m not a pole dancer; this is just the workout I prefer. He goes to the gym everyday so I don’t see the difference. No one sees me except the 7 or 8 other women in my class. I invited him to come see me dance. I said I would rent a private studio so he can see what I’m doing but he said no.

He said that I need to choose and if I’m going to be serious with him I need to find another way to work out ASAP. He feels that any woman who gets with him needs to uphold a certain image. I think the truth is he finds it a little threatening. He always wants to know who was there, what I did, etc. For the last couple of weeks, I had to lie and say I was doing zumba. Nothing against zumba but I really feel a healing connection with pole fitness.

Am I bugging? Should I just give up the dumb pole fitness classes for my man? Is pole dancing something shameful for a wife? Pole fitness is like my therapy. He doesn’t know that this sexy, new me that’s been turning him out in the bedroom is a benefit of my pole classes.

By the way, thank you so much for the advice you give. I have been reading your Intimacy Interventions for a long time — but never thought I would be writing in. I am too embarrassed to talk to anybody else about this. Help!



My dearest Pole-isha,

Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart, sis. Let’s recap: For 2 years you have created a healthy, healing, therapeutic outlet for your own self-care that your new man of just 2 months finds shameful…

You better dance on, gorgeous! You took your lovely chocolate self to a new level of self-love by indulging your mind-body-and-spirit in a physical practice that happens to be pole fitness. You are a daughter of the Most High. Nothing about you could ever be ugly or shameful.

Carmen Victorino of Le Femme Suite Pole Fitness and Nicole Damaris of the Stiletto Workout are just two African American fitness business owners who help other women to find their sexy by sashaying their hips. These workouts allow women to feel comfortable in their bodies, learn to own their sexy, and for some, make the spiritual connection that comes from yoga, burlesque, and other movement practices. This is a part of somatic therapy.

My love, your man is insecure and controlling. Any man worthy of your love wants you to be your full goddess self. Any king who deserves the affections of a queen like you wants you to feel your happy, healthy, sexy best. Any time you feel you have to lie in a relationship, you’re heading down the wrong path. Honesty is the only way to go. It’s not clear whether you explained to your boyfriend (emphasis on “boy”) what this movement has done for you. If you find it worth it, have a heart-to-heart. If he maintains his position of pomp and prominence, you have a decision to make.

In my humble opinion it is time to exit, stage right. My sacred bombshell, this week homeboy is threatened by an aluminum pole. Next week he could find your job, your hair, or your mama inappropriate. It has only been two months and he is showing you who he is. Charge it to the game and move forward with your new self-love, head held high, proud of the masterpiece that you now know yourself to be.

Passionately yours,

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Courtesy of Abiola Abrams

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.