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Intimacy Intervention: 'He Wants To Go to Bed and I Want To Go Again'

Sex coach Abiola Abrams rescues a reader whose much older boyfriend's sex drive no longer matches hers.
Intimacy Intervention: ‘He Wants To Go to Bed and I Want To Go Again’
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW’s Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

My fiancé and I have a 19-year age gap between us, and he’s losing his sex drive as mine is picking up fast..

We’ve been together for four years and we have no kids together, alhough he thinks of my 17-month-old as his own. We get along great. We tell each other we love each other every day. At 29, I’m the younger one. He’s 48. I love him and we’re planning a wedding. The problem is, I express my love to him a lot in more than one way, but a lot of times, he’s just not interested the way that I need him to be.

I have a pleasure toy and I use it quite a bit. I find myself getting upset with him when he doesn’t want to be intimate with me. (It happens a lot.) How can I fix this?!


Young, Hot and Unsatisfied

My Dearest Unsatisfied,

The biggest reasons for divorce are sex and money differences. It’s smart to figure this out while you’re engaged. After you jump the broom, the challenges you experience now will only be amplified.

Mismatched sexual energy is no laughing matter. Clearly, you love your man, but as a young, vibrant woman you deserve a juicy and steamy intimate life. If you don’t find answers at home, your eye could start wandering, you could become passive aggressive or fall into a depression that affects other areas of your life.

You’re gaining sex drive as he loses it because you are moving into your sexual prime. He is biologically losing testosterone. Most men, however, are able to maintain a sex drive well into senior citizenship.

One of the challenges in a May-December relationship is that you’re at different places in your life. Your husband-to-be may be making compromises due to your age that you’re not aware of. For example, it’s possible that he experiences a maturity gap and finds ways to work around it. We don’t know.

Great monogamous sex begins with communication. What else is going on in your relationship? Are there other reasons he may be unhappy, either at work or at home? Does he have anxiety about the wedding or raising your son? If a partner is feeling unsupported it’s natural to be turned off. In addition, stressors can cause a decrease in libido.

Ask your man to see his doctor to make sure everything is okay. Many medications and illnesses result in a loss of interest. His doctor may also decide that natural yohimbe root or prescribed Viagra might be empowering for him.

Talk to your man to find out his needs. Share what you need. Tell him that you want to fulfill his every fantasy. Open the door for him to tell you all of his most secret wishes. Make it a judgment-free zone and you could be surprised at the results. One of my love coaching clients had been wearing gorgeous, frilly lingerie but realized when she asked that it turned her man off. He hated lingerie and found old sweats sexy!

There are other ways of finding ecstasy. You mention your toy. Maybe you can buy some new toys together online from a woman-friendly adult shop like Babeland or Good Vibrations. Invite him to learn new sex techniques together like sexual meditation, Kundalini yoga or tantra.

Remove all love blocks and make your life together one of hot, sexy togetherness. Offer him a nightly massage or daily morning oral pleasure with no expectation of anything in return. Experiment with giving for the sake of giving. Love him like he’s a new lover. Make him amazing meals with positive, loving energy. Make your bedroom a sexy and inviting place of love. No TVs, computers or tablets allowed. You mention having a small child. Hire a babysitter and go on weekly dates or overnights at a hotel. 

Most importantly, I know that you’re frustrated but don’t get angry at your man. Anger begets anger and stress is a major turn-off. You’ll figure this out best as a team. If he’s open to a sex therapist or coach it could be worth investigating.

Pleasure is your birthright. Good sex comes from relaxed and loving energy. Wishing you hot, sexy nights and mornings!

Passionately yours,


Courtesy of Abiola Abrams

Blogger, author and life coach Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week’s hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.