Is romance dead? It certainly feels like it. In our digital-first world, straight Black women are tasked with establishing romantic connections in a sea of uninterested, non-committed men. The days of men spearheading the planning of dates, courting, and being vocal about establishing exclusive relationships have disappeared. As we spoke with our friends, we wondered why some were having issues dating while others landed in successful and intentional partnerships. Is it timing or a financial problem, or is he just not that into you? These questions sparked an effort to explore the current dating zeitgeist, as we’ve noticed how different the effort levels are when making connections compared to the earlier aughts and, of course, the Love Jones days.
Shontierra “Shonti” Porter, 30, has been told she’s gorgeous, smart, and funny for most of her life. Yet, she says dating has been inconsistent and filled with lackluster experiences. Men approach her both online and IRL, ask to spend time with her, then effectively vanish when she follows up with the suitor for details. She says she’s not sure of the reason for the infuriating pattern of behavior, but she’s unfortunately grown accustomed to it.
“Over the past five to eight years, I can honestly count on one hand how many dates I’ve been on and the number of times a guy has followed through with planning the date he has asked me on,” she tells ESSENCE. “Dating for me has been up and down, mostly down, filled with situationships or a bunch of back and forth but no real commitments.”
Porter’s sentiments echo many other women, including popular social media influencer Jessie Woo, 33. The TV personality shared her experience with dating during a recent fireside chat at the 2023 ESSENCE Festival of Culture.
“It’s bad out here,” she shares with the audience, who affirmed her statement with a chorus of “Yes,” “It is!” and emphatic nods.
She’s on to something, as new data from the Pew Research Center has shown that 63% of men under 30 are single and aren’t interested in asking women out.
“Men don’t date anymore, and I don’t know why,” Woo continued, adding that she regularly receives DMs, which is understandable since she boasts a following of 932k on Instagram. Still, the conversations rarely move out of her inbox. “It just doesn’t seem like men are interested in courting.”
DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP (OR LACK THEREOF)
“Dating” and “courting” are two terms that seem to run rampant in social media users’ lexicons and hold completely different meanings. To “vibe,” another term frequently used colloquially online, particularly in conversations around love and relationships, is defined in the Urban Dictionary as “having a connection with someone else or something that’s really cool.”
T’Marie Curtis, an Atlanta, Georgia-based dating coach, says that while vibing is a relatively new colloquialism, the concept is as old as time. What’s different now is that the expectations of men are very different in this modern dating landscape compared to the past.
“’Chilling,’ ‘just kickin’ it,’ and having ‘no titles’ are ways men have described the concept since forever. They stay in this noncommittal space because we’re not making them date us. We are so afraid that our standards will make us be alone that we do not require men to do what it takes to get to know us. They’re not vetting us. And they’re not allowing us an opportunity to vet them,” she states.
Necho Hopkins, 30, likes to keep it simple. He says a first date can entail anything from grabbing coffee to sitting in the park or even running errands together.
“It’s not about the money; it’s just an opportunity to spend time with one another,” he tells ESSENCE.
He shared that he’s an outgoing person with a robust social life. So, if he’s interested in getting to know a woman better, he sometimes begins that process by folding her into existing plans to help gauge their chemistry.
“If I’ve invited a girl on a date, it was probably something I was going to do anyway, and I just wanted to see her and feel out her energy.”
While this may work for some, Woo says there may be hidden dangers to indulging too many invitations to just “vibe” for a period of time. “I’m not interested in that,” she shares during her panel conversation, implying that the term is usually a veiled pathway to a casual relationship with blurred boundaries, without long-term commitments.
She’s not wrong.
“In a situationship, the communication, expectations, and structures are unclear—you haven’t yet discussed monogamy or commitment (or it was left vague), but also haven’t clarified that you’re only friends with benefits or a casual partner,” shares sex and relationship expert, Lorrae Bradbury, founder of Slutty Girl Problems in a February 2023 interview for Lifehacker. “When the terms of your relationship are unclear, yet emotions and sex are involved, you’re usually in some kind of situationship.”
As the psychotherapy platform Talkspace points out, situationships can harm one’s self-esteem and overall mental health if one is not careful. While in these casual relationships, thoughts of “Why won’t they date me?” and “What’s wrong with me?” can be all-consuming.
THE GAMIFICATION OF DATING
Hopkins shares that although he enjoys dating both casually and intentionally, he sees a marked shift in how often other men are courting women, if they’re even doing it at all. He says the hesitancy is partially because they understand how some women have always viewed them.
“I see women on dating apps and social media talk openly about only going on dates to get free food or how they’ve played men, so some men may feel they need to take a different approach when dating women,” he shares.
No one wants to be used.
This new approach men may be adopting can fall along the lines of radical honesty or protecting themselves and their pockets as a form of self-care, which is more prevalent among Gen-Z, according to a recent Tinder study based on a survey that explored the thoughts and attitudes toward dating among millennials and their younger counterparts. The study highlighted that authenticity is now at the forefront of dating, including openness, mental well-being, honesty, and respect. Eighty percent of 18-25-year-olds agree that self-care is their top priority when dating, and 79% want prospective partners to put their mental health first.
The rise in dating app usage has significantly changed how prospective daters take on the practice. Applications like Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder are endless virtual marketplaces to view, connect with, meet, or easily dismiss people. The rapid-fire approach works online, but when taken into reality, those dismissive behaviors can be incredibly impactful, often adversely, making people feel less encouraged to invest time and effort into carrying out dates.
Another factor that experts have suggested for the decline in “traditional” courtship: the rise of the Manosphere and its offshoot, the Black Manosphere. It refers to a faction of content creators who speak to hypermasculine tropes, particularly around how Black men can demand dominance and respect from women while dating.
The digital sect platformed popular personality Kevin Samuels, who had amassed millions of followers before his sudden death in 2022 and stirred controversy around how modern relationships should be defined. Samuels helped coin commonly used phrases like “high-value man,” usually referring to men with high net worth, social standing, and conventionally attractive physical features. With that, Samuels often viciously rebuked Black women for expecting special treatment from men of that ilk if they weren’t considered to be of the same caliber.
“Social media has changed dating a lot,” Curtis says. “Some men have gotten together online or have watched enough stuff on there that they’ve formed the thought that their options are limitless, so they don’t have to necessarily put forth as much effort as we’ve seen in the past. It’s really a new world out here.”
SO WHY MEN AREN’T ROMANTIC ANYMORE?
Another possible explanation for the courting shy men of this era may tie into the embattled economy and not entirely an entitled attitude assumed by some women.
“Dates are expensive, so I don’t want to spend a lot of money on someone who I may not like, or may not like me,” Hopkins explains. He has a point. As ESSENCE previously reported, some young adults are going into debt as inflation-induced living costs continue to rise.
A September LendingTree report found that 22% of millennials (ages 26 to 41) and 19% of Gen Z-ers (ages 18 to 25) have entered into debt from what they’ve spent on their romantic dates. Interestingly, millennials will most likely rack up charges they can’t afford. At the same time, Gen Z daters are more likely to split the cost of a bill and ultimately avoid gender norms that place the financial burden on men when in cishet dating scenarios.
Level-setting expectations around courting and adopting a “go with the flow” approach to dating is working for Anayo Awuzie, 32. She tried out dating apps after taking a heart sabbatical for six months and said she had a positive experience.
“I realized that mindset is the most important thing when it comes to dating, and I did everything in my power to make sure I didn’t become jaded while finding my person,” she tells ESSENCE. “It’s easy to fall into the ‘All men are trash!’ narrative, but if all men are trash, then do you believe there is a good man out there for you?”
While she’s admitted to having some mismatches and romantic pitfalls, there have been some men who’ve been intentional about showing their interest in her. Now she’s in a healthy and happy relationship, receiving clear communication and getting her courting needs met.
“I’m a pretty easygoing person when it comes to dating, so I don’t expect too much early on, especially when first meeting someone,” Awuzie shares. “I know a lot of women these days put a lot of stock into the first date because they believe that the guy is getting this huge opportunity by meeting them; however, I just feel like when you first meet someone, whether platonically or romantically, it can be a mixed bag. You see them once and never see them again. So overall, the men I have met have put in the amount of effort I have been expecting while dating. They’ve been communicative, reach out to plan dates, are respectful, and have been pretty clear about what they’re looking for.”
She continues, “The guy I’m dating now has put in the most effort I’ve ever seen and has raised the bar for me regarding what I expect from men while courting. He’s such a generous and attentive person, and I can never accept anything less again.”
THE NEW(ISH) RULES OF THE DATING GAME
It turns out that effort from men during the courting process and experiencing clear expectations for a relationship can be possible, even if you meet on a dating app. For example, Joelle Meaghan, 32, is currently in a relationship with a man she met on Hinge. Shortly after connecting online with her now-boyfriend, she was asked out on a dinner date. She says the partnership works due to effort on both sides but initially sparked because of his consistency and intentionality.
“I’d say the courting process for us was pretty straightforward and casual,” she tells ESSENCE. “We fell for each other pretty quickly, and I’d say he was consistent in his pursuit of me, and I was also intentional about getting to know him and making time for us. Neither one of us was into playing games or adhering to any of the traditional rules. Just mutual respect, clear communication, and enjoying our time together.”
As Meaghan demonstrated, Curtis agrees that, in most cases, women should take things at face value when dating instead of making assumptions.
“Let’s understand that men have standards as well, and when they’re ready to commit, they will show you,” she tells ESSENCE. “I just want women to shift their view slightly on what courting can look like in the beginning since the stakes are so much higher now.”
In layman’s terms, be reasonable—but definitely don’t settle.
Although there’s evidence to support a significant shift in how dating is handled, viewed, or labeled, the central tenets of courting are all still the same, regardless of what we name them. We may never definitively solve the mystery behind the courting divide; however, these critical conversations around evolving language and cultural expectations can help us understand our specific desires and expectations.
While “vibing” seems like a vague, almost dismissive way to describe heart-centered and committed relationships—the resounding message is loud and clear, real love is still indisputably the end goal for many of us, and we should never give up on it.