You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
I just got married 3 1/2 months ago to a man I met at my religious organization. I received a message on Facebook from another woman 2 weeks before we married warning me that he was not right. She sent me screen shots of inappropriate conversations they have been having. By this time, we are living together and I’m pregnant. We got married anyway but now there is no passion in our marriage and he hardly touches me (we used to have sex daily). I could be naked and he won’t touch me. I did discover that he likes looking at porn staring white women. He also leaves for work without kissing me goodbye and I may or may not get a “good night.” Sometimes, he stays up all night and won’t even come to bed with me. We hardly talk and when I ask him what’s wrong he says everything is fine. When he does talk to me, he’ll make it clear that he’s mad at me and that I disappoint him but he’ll never tell me why I disappoint him.
While we were dating, I told him that I really wanted 2 children and he was all for it. Now he says he doesn’t want any more children after this one. He does have four other kids but that’s not my fault!
I do everything I can think of to be a good wife. I tell him I love him, randomly send him sweet messages, even give him gifts. I’ve never gotten any gifts or flowers. He never wants to come with me to visit my family, but we visit his. People hardly see us together and most of my family and friends have never even met him. He says he is in love with me but I wonder if I was just convenient.
I’m just confused. I feel stupid and embarrassed. I’ve never been married before but this isn’t what I expected. Please help me.
Sad, confused and lonely
The honeymoon was over before it ever got started. It seems as if you discovered who your husband really is after you said ” I do”. That is very unfortunate given you are pregnant and had hopes of having a family. Your husband is playing mind games with you. The silent treatment, ignoring you, and/or saying that you disappoint him without any explanation are all ways of controlling you. He has you jumping hoops and believing his attitude and behavior is your fault. Trust me, this has nothing or very little to do with you. You questioned if his marriage to you was just convenient. It is unclear if that is the case but it is obvious that he is not involved or committed to making the marriage work. You must separate what is your issue from his issue. Right now, you seem to be taking on his issues. You can not make him talk or change his behavior or attitude. The only person you can change is yourself. Given that, you must look at the situation for what it is as opposed to what it could be or what you would like it to be. I recommend that you seek couples therapy to process issues in the marriage. I also recommend that you seek individual therapy to understand your feelings and help decide what you want to do about you relationship with your husband and your marriage. If you want more from a relationship, don’t settle for less. —Dr. Sherry
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