• Celebrity
    • OTE – Screen Kings
    • Daniel Kaluuya Digital Cover
    • Digital Cover Method Man
    • Digital Cover Zazie
    • Celebrity News
    • ‘Yes, Girl!’ Podcast
    • Entertainment
    • Black Celeb Couples
    • Celebrity Moms
    • Red Carpet
    • If Not For My Girls
  • Fashion
    • ESSENCE Fashion House 2022
    • Fashion News
    • Street Style
    • Accessories
    • Fashion Week
  • Beauty
    • Best In Black Beauty 2023
    • ESSENCE Hair Awards 2022
    • AVEENO Skin Health Startup Accelerator
    • Beauty News
    • Skin
    • Makeup
    • Nails
    • Girls United: Beautiful Possibilities
  • Hair
    • Hair News
    • Natural
    • Relaxed
    • Transitioning
    • Weave
    • 4C
  • Love
    • Love & Sex News
    • The Solve Podcast
    • Weddings
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Lifestyle
    • Black History Month
    • ESSENCE Gift Guide 2022
    • ESSENCE + smartwater Live Well Challenge
    • Build Your Legacy 2022
    • Dream & Plan with Confidence Prudential
    • AMEX Platinum Travel
    • Homecoming Season 2022
    • Lifestyle News
    • Health & Wellness
    • ESSENCE Eats
    • Money & Career
    • Entrepreneurship
    • Travel
    • Food & Drink
    • Black Travel Guide
  • News
    • Paint The Polls Black
    • Sponsors Recognition Page 2022
    • Latest News
    • Raise Your Voice
    • Culture
    • Politics
  • Video
  • Festival
    • 2023 ESSENCE Festival Of Culture
    • 2022 Fest Videos
  • Events
    • 2023 Wellness House
    • 2023 Black Women In Hollywood
    • 2023 HOLLYWOOD HOUSE
    • 2023 ESSENCE Film Festival
    • 2022 Girls United Summit
    • 2022 ESSENCE Fashion House
    • 2022 Homecoming Season
    • She Got Now
    • Dear Black Men
    • I Am Speaking
    • Power Tools
  • Studios
  • Girls United

WHERE BLACK CULTURE, COMMUNITY AND CONSCIOUSNESS MEET

Sign up for ESSENCE Newsletters the keep the Black women at the forefront of conversation.

Your email is required.
Your email is in invalid format.
Confirm email is required.
Email did not match.
Select the newsletters you'd like to receive:
Please select at least one option.
By clicking Subscribe Now, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.
Skip to content
SUBSCRIBE
  • MAGAZINE
  • NEWSLETTER
  • Celebrity
    • OTE – Screen Kings
    • Daniel Kaluuya Digital Cover
    • Digital Cover Method Man
    • Digital Cover Zazie
    • Celebrity News
    • ‘Yes, Girl!’ Podcast
    • Entertainment
      • Paint The Polls Black
    • Black Celeb Couples
    • Celebrity Moms
    • Red Carpet
    • If Not For My Girls
  • Fashion
    • ESSENCE Fashion House 2022
    • Fashion News
    • Street Style
    • Accessories
    • Fashion Week
  • Beauty
    • Best In Black Beauty 2023
    • ESSENCE Hair Awards 2022
    • AVEENO Skin Health Startup Accelerator
    • Beauty News
    • Skin
    • Makeup
    • Nails
    • Girls United: Beautiful Possibilities
  • Hair
    • Hair News
    • Natural
    • Relaxed
    • Transitioning
    • Weave
    • 4C
  • Love
    • Love & Sex News
    • The Solve Podcast
    • Weddings
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
  • Lifestyle
    • Black History Month
    • ESSENCE Gift Guide 2022
    • ESSENCE + smartwater Live Well Challenge
    • Build Your Legacy 2022
    • Dream & Plan with Confidence Prudential
    • AMEX Platinum Travel
    • Homecoming Season 2022
    • Lifestyle News
    • Health & Wellness
    • ESSENCE Eats
    • Money & Career
    • Entrepreneurship
    • Travel
    • Food & Drink
    • Black Travel Guide
  • News
    • Paint The Polls Black
    • Sponsors Recognition Page 2022
    • Latest News
    • Raise Your Voice
    • Culture
    • Politics
  • Video
  • Festival
    • 2023 ESSENCE Festival Of Culture
    • 2022 Fest Videos
  • Events
    • 2023 Wellness House
    • 2023 Black Women In Hollywood
    • 2023 HOLLYWOOD HOUSE
    • 2023 ESSENCE Film Festival
    • 2022 Girls United Summit
    • 2022 ESSENCE Fashion House
    • 2022 Homecoming Season
    • She Got Now
    • Dear Black Men
    • I Am Speaking
    • Power Tools
  • Studios
  • Girls United
Home · Love & Sex

Ask Dr. Sherry: 'My Husband Belittles Me and Wants to Run My Life'

A reader whose husband is manipulative and controlling reaches out to the doc.
Ask Dr. Sherry: ‘My Husband Belittles Me and Wants to Run My Life’
By Dr. Sherry · Updated October 27, 2020

You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…

Dear Dr. Sherry,

My husband is very self-centered and self-serving. He seems abusive, but not in a physical way. He seems to want total power and control over me and anything and everything we, or I, do. He rarely speaks to me, and when he does, it is always either to complain about little things that don’t really matter or to make me feel like I am always wrong and he is always right. If he decides he wants to do something, he tells me in a matter-of-fact way, but if I want to do something, he either totally ignores me or tries to control what happens or keep it from happening. He is very condescending when he speaks to me, especially in front of our two girls. He puts me down in front of his relatives and then turns it around and tries to make it seem like I am in the wrong, too sensitive or overreacting.

I sometimes feel like he purposely does things in front of his relatives that he knows will upset me, just to get a reaction. He yells at the kids and I in private, but in front of his family he pretends to really care about us and have a true interest in the kids. I just want to call him out on it in front of them, but I know his family will attack me and come to his rescue because they think he is a wonderful dad and husband. Or, maybe they’re just in denial. I’m not sure. I don’t make a lot of money, but yet he takes almost every dime I make, supposedly to help pay our bills, but yet he plans dinners and going to the movies with his family without even asking or consulting me about this. I want to call him out in front of his family and say, “I thought you said, you could barely pay the mortgage on time this month,” but yet there he is inviting his family out to dinner and a movie with ours and offering to get their tickets.

It makes me feel like he is using my extra money to do this and meanwhile I’m broke and have no money to buy myself clothes or basic things I need. But if I call him out in front of his family, I know he will turn it around somehow and say it’s all my fault somehow. I don’t know what to do. And, to make matters worse, I lost my rock, my mom, a few months ago suddenly and unexpectedly to a heart attack. She was my only outside source of help and support when I needed it. I don’t have any friends because of him and his control issues. Now he knows I am really dependent on him. I feel so lost and alone. Any advice you could offer would be great. Thank you.

My Dear,

I am very sorry to tell you this, but I believe that you are a classic victim of domestic abuse. Your husband doesn’t just “seem abusive”, he is. Abuse is abuse, regardless of whether it is physical, emotional, or verbal! Anytime someone exerts power over you by controlling, belittling, manipulating, and/or mistreating you, you are being abused!  Another tell tale sign of abuse by your husband is his isolating your from all of your friends and family. This gives him the freedom to continue abusing you without the fear of interference from others. This also makes you more emotionally dependent on him.


Women often do not recognize or acknowledge that they are being abused unless they are physically hit or beaten short of their lives. Even then, some women try to justify the abuse by believing it was their fault and their husband or mate is “really not that bad!” You or no one else deserves to be mistreated. Forget about wanting to call him out in front of others. That will do nothing more than intensify the abuse and make it more difficult for you if you remain with him. If you are truly tired of how you are being treated, take a deep breath and get ready to make major changes in your life.

Start with seeking therapy to work on understanding yourself. Therapy will also help you understand abuse and process the death of you mother. The ultimate decision to stay or leave your husband is yours. But, you must be brutally honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you want your little children growing up thinking that this is how you or they should be treated. Although it can be frightening to think about leaving an abusive relationship, you must not be led by fear. It is time for you to change your status from victim to victorious. — Dr Sherry

Email us your questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include “Ask Dr. Sherry” in the subject line.

COMPANY INFORMATION
  • Our Company
  • Customer Service
  • Essence Ventures
  • Change Your Address
  • Contact Us
  • Job Opportunities
  • Internships
  • Media Kit
  • tag
SUBSCRIBE
  • Newsletters
  • Give a Gift of ESSENCE
  • Magazine Tablet Edition
FOLLOW US
MORE ON ESSENCE
  • Home
  • Love
  • Celebrity
  • Beauty
  • Hair
  • Fashion
  • ESSENCE festival

ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc.

Essence may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. Offers may be subject to change without notice.

©2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Essence.com Advertising Terms

Get The ESSENCE Newsletter and
Special Offers delivered to your inbox

By clicking Sign Up, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Get The ESSENCE Magazine
by subscribing below
subscribe now