You’ve seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it’s your turn to sit in her chair…
Dear Dr. Sherry,
I am a woman who has been in a relationship with my friend for almost four years. The problem is, he is a habitual liar, and when I catch him in the lies, he’s always downplaying the situation. When we met, he told me he had two children and no baby momma drama. Since then I have learned that he has five children by three different women. He said the oldest was incarcerated and that they did not have a relationship and that’s the reason he did not mention him. Needless to say, the oldest has been released and is presently staying with him. The other two are a set of twins. He kept them hidden for the first two years of our relationship. Now the twins’ mother is accusing me of keeping him away from the children. I didn’t even know they existed. He has lied about his home life, his job, his car, his friends…I feel like I don’t even know him. My friend is the sweetest person who would walk to hell and back for me. He pampers and spoils me, but I can’t get past the lies. I feel like everything that comes out of his month is a lie. Because of the lying, I am ready to throw in the towel, but I do love him. Any advice on this situation?
Is there anything that he has not lied to you about? Interesting enough, you referred to him as your “friend” rather than your “boyfriend”. Regardless of how you refer to him, you have remained with him for almost four years. It is okay to love a “habitual” liar, but realize that he may be lying about his feelings regarding you too. Do you really want a long-term interpersonal relationship with a person who is not honest with you or others? Your friend actually is more of a pathological liar. He has repeatedly lied to you to the extent that you question if you know who he really is.
The reality is that you don’t know who he really is and/or why he has a need to lie repeatedly. Your relationship is missing the essential element of trust. Regardless of how “sweet” he is to you, you already feel that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. It may be easier to tolerate a liar as long as the lies are not about you. Beware that this may change and you could easily become the focus of his lies. The problem with liars is that they are dangerous and usually do not have any remorse about their actions. You must decide how much you are willing to tolerate. Ask yourself, why do you feel that you do not deserve more than a person who you do not and cannot trust? If you want more, then it is indeed time to throw in the towel and move on. — Dr. Sherry
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