You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Hi Dr. Sherry,
I am a 40-year-old great looking very active gay woman.
I have a 13-year-old daughter via sperm bank from a previous relationship. However, I am currently married to my wife of nine years, but I’m still currently in a semi-relationship with the woman whom I had my daughter. She and I have been together for 20 years.
Now I know you’re asking me how is this possible? Well, my story is somewhat different than what you would expect.
I don’t live with my wife. We live separately and we always have because I live with my daughter and her mother. We live in the home she and I purchased years ago.
Why don’t I live with my wife you may ask? Well simple, I knew the way she lived her life before we got married and the way her kids from a previous relationship behaved due to the bad relationship she has with their father have so I didn’t want to live with her nor did I want my child in that kind of environment. Even when I fell in love with her 9 years ago, I wanted to make her happy so I proposed to her and we had a private ceremony—so private that neither one of our families knows because I didn’t want it known.
I’m writing you this letter in hopes to get a better understanding of myself and why I keep making these bad decisions because there is also another big situation that I’m dealing with.
I’ve been with the mother of my daughter for 20 years, been married to my wife for nine years and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for three years now. She’s different than the other women in my life but I just can’t see myself conjoining my life with hers.
See I love all my women but I have very high standards when it comes to all of them. They have to be very professional, very independent, and a sight for sore eyes plus, they have to be straight. I don’t want to nor have I ever dated a gay woman. I love a challenge and the harder the chase is after any powerful woman, the greater the feeling.
What can I do to make all of these women happy without jeopardizing my own state of mind?
Gay, straight, bisexual, or whatever, it really doesn’t matter. A relationship is a relationship. While you may like women, you seem to like the chaos and the thrill of the chase more than the relationship. That is one of the reasons that you make the decisions that you do. I am sure that very little if any, the thought goes into thinking about the consequences of your decisions. Like many people, decisions are often based on whatever “feels good” at the moment. The challenge of succeeding in tracking down and getting women with your “very high standards” must be exciting for you and fill some unmet emotional need. The problem is the thrill only last as long as the chase. That is apparent by your “secret” marriage of 9 years, your long-term “semi-relationship” of 20 years, and your girlfriend of 3 years. In addition to these relationships, you have a teenage daughter and involved with a woman with children. That is a whole lot of drama! The question is, what purpose does the drama serve and what role does it have in your life? Issues with self- esteem is playing a major role with you and the women involved. There may be a physical connection, where is the true emotional connection? I suggest you seek individual therapy with a therapist to answer these questions and to clearly understand why you do what you do. While you may enjoy running game in relationships, it will catch up with you. There is indeed a shelf life for everything, relationships are no exception. Don’t let things expire before you understand who you are and what you are really looking for beyond the thrill of the chase and the chaos it brings. --Dr. Sherry
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