Sexual violence is a common and unfortunate experience that happens to women every day. Over half of women have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact during their lifetimes according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. African American women, in particular, are more likely to be sexually assaulted than any other race or ethnic group.
Every sexual abuse survivor is affected by their experience differently, but one of the adverse effects can be a fear of sexual exploration. While being sexually violated is a disempowering experience and one that can have lifelong effects, it is possible to reclaim your body, own your pleasure, and have a healthy sex life. Some people may not realize their relationship with sex has been affected and that they’re restricting themselves when it comes to intimacy due to their trauma. How do you know if this is the case?
One telltale sign that your trauma may be getting in the way of your sex life is if you feel shame around intercourse, says Lena Queen, a clinical integrative sexologist and author of post-traumatic healing guide-SHIFT.
This shame could express itself as feelings of unworthiness, self-judgment, or even feeling dirty when you have sexual urges. Working through this form of shame isn’t accomplished in a day’s work but a therapist can help tremendously. You may also consider journaling to uncover the roots of the shame and adopt new beliefs around sex.
Another sign trauma is in the way of you exploring may be if you struggle with physical touch, says Jenifer Smith, a sex therapist based in Alexandria, Va.
Granted, this isn’t everyone’s love language, but touch is a key part of sexual intimacy.
“It can be challenging for someone to explore physical intimacy after experiencing sexual trauma if they have not worked through the trauma, emotions, and triggers,” says Smith.
To work through difficulty with physical contact, she suggests letting your partner know what type of touch you feel most comfortable with. Even after doing this, you may still feel uncomfortable or have flashbacks while trying to sexually explore.
“During those moments, it’s best to use grounding or coping skills to feel safe,” Smith says. These grounding methods could comprise sitting on the ground, having your back against the wall, or using your five senses to ground yourself. For example, you could identify something you can feel, touch, smell, hear, and taste during that difficult moment.”
Speaking of grounding, if you aren’t present during sex and find yourself disassociating, it could be attributed to traumatic past experiences. Disassociating is a psychological state that can serve as a coping mechanism when you’ve experienced something traumatic. Examples of disassociating include spacing out, sudden mood changes, difficulty handling intense emotions, and feeling disconnected from yourself. If you’re disassociating during sex, consider one of the grounding techniques Smith mentioned above in addition to meditation and breathing exercises.
What if you’ve tried the advice offered to no avail and the fear of exploring feels debilitating? Instead of pushing yourself too hard, you may consider professional help.
“Trust yourself to know your limits and trust yourself enough to know when it is time to seek the support of a trained professional like a sex therapist or somatic sexological bodyworker,” Queen says.
Somatic therapy uses mind-body healing to help people process and release painful experiences or trauma from the body. Another technique you could consider is reiki–an energy healing technique that facilitates stress, relaxation and promotes healing. There are a number of accounts online written by survivors of sexual assault who have used the healing technique and found it effective.
Additionally, Smith recommends hiring a sex worker as an option, too — even if it sounds a bit too unconventional.
“A sex worker is someone who works directly with the body, emotion and mental state around sex,” she says. “I know this option can seem extreme but it can actually be quite helpful to have someone who is hired to work at your pace,” says Smith. “All acts are consensual and negotiated before anything physical takes place. The client is in full control of what they want to work on and sets the pace.”
Intercourse should feel good and empowering, so when it doesn’t it could be a sign that you may need to explore lingering trauma. You deserve a sex life that is fulfilling and pleasurable even after experiencing something as traumatic as sexual violence.