One of the worst days of my entire life was August 10, 2000. It was a day that I’ll never forget and anyone’s worst nightmare. It was a day where your doctor says to you, “The test was malignant…you have cancer.” Everything at that moment goes into a complete blur and you can see and hear the doctor talking, but you don’t hear anything else but those words…”you have cancer.”
All I’m thinking after hearing this news is I’m going to die. I lost it completely in her office. Here I am with two young children and I just couldn’t fathom the thought of not being here to see them grow up. My drive home from the doctor’s office seemed like hours, but it was only ten minutes. To be honest, I don’t even know how I got home… I’m crying hysterically, asking God “why me?”
Just a few days before the news, I’m loving life, active, fit and healthy! I had just come home from the gym and as I was changing my clothes, my hand grazed across my right breast and I felt a knot, not a small one either, but I shrugged it off as something else. After all, God wouldn’t let me, one of His children, have cancer. That was my mindset as I scheduled an appointment to have it checked out.
After I received the news, I began to question God. I’ll never forget that day because it was the first time that I can say assuredly that God spoke to me. He said, “Why not you? I have equipped you to go through this and that you will come through this just fine, but you have to go through it.” Immediately, my tears stopped (for the moment), and I said to God, “OK, well evidently you think I can handle this because you would not have allowed it if you didn’t.” I held on to those words and His promise through the entire journey!
Whenever things got rough, I recalled those words, even when I found out I would lose all of my hair. Lord, not my hair. I think I cried more then, than when I received the diagnosis. I had an aggressive form of breast cancer; stage two Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, so they had to treat it with an aggressive form of chemotherapy. Chemotherapy is no joke! I was very sick after the first round. Up the entire night. It was after my third round of chemotherapy, that I started to lose my hair. I remember standing in the shower, and my hand grazed across my hair, and in my hand was a patch of hair. I took a deep breath and said “Okay, here we go.” I pulled another and another and another. I thought, I must take control of this situation and not allow the noise that was playing in my head to take charge. I got a razor and shaved my entire head! It was at that moment that I finally felt like I was in control again. I hated wearing wigs, so I sported my bald head wherever I went.
I went through eight weeks of chemo and eight weeks of radiation. I went to work after every treatment. I never complained during this entire process. The only time I missed work was for my malignant tumor surgery. I maintained a positive outlook which became a key element to my recovery.
I would encourage anyone who has to walk this road to believe God first of all for your complete healing. Walk this walk in faith, not doubting and most definitely, not complaining. Remain positive, no matter what you’re facing. Am I saying that you shouldn’t cry? Absolutely not! There will be moments when all you can do is cry, but that’s okay. Once you finish crying, let it go. Don’t stay there. Move to that place of peace and confidence, knowing that you have an advocate in the Lord Jesus Christ and the rest of us survivor. We are praying with you and for you. The worst day of my life actually became the best day of my life. The day I learned to trust God!
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