The holiday season is a beautiful but stress-inducing time of year, especially for couples. Whether you and your partner are married with children, or you’ve been boo’d up with your beau for a significant period of time, deciding how to navigate the holidays — namely, whose family you’ll be spending Christmas with or making plans for two — is no easy feat. My boyfriend and I, like many, scramble between the two. One year we may dash to his family’s place for lunch, then end the day with my family, which always leaves some family members feeling neglected. Another year we may just choose to celebrate with one of our extended families, which ends up in the same result as splitting our time. No matter what we choose to do, we end up putting the needs of our relationship on the backburner this time of year and miss out on opportunities to make our own traditions.
“For some Black couples, navigating the holidays can be tricky at times,” licensed marriage and family therapist Shontel Cargill tells ESSENCE. “Challenges such as figuring out where to celebrate, whether with each other’s families or starting your own traditions, may arise.”
To find a better balance this year, I asked Cargill for tips and tricks for couples who are having a hard time balancing the chaos of the holidays with a desire to celebrate their own way. Read on for what she recommends.
It may sound cheesy, but Cargill says coordinating outfits with your partner is a fun way to “add a touch of unity and fun to your celebrations.” Think “matching pajamas or sweatsuit sets with matching shoes,” she advises. No matter what your style or vibe, you’re sure to find a fit that both you and your boo will love.
Nothing brings people together quite like food. If you’re looking for ways to connect with your partner this Christmas, Cargill thinks combining “your favorite traditional holiday dishes with a touch of cultural flair” to create a new recipe is an intimate and fresh way to establish a new tradition.
“Experiment with fusion recipes that reflect both of your backgrounds,” she says. “It’s a great way to bond in the kitchen and share your culinary traditions.”
Music and memories are intertwined, and Cargill says integrating a playlist made by you and your loved one is a great first step to creating your own holiday traditions.
“This can be a fantastic conversation starter and a way to introduce your partner to some of your favorite music,” she says.
Now to the meat and potatoes — whose family home you and your partner will spend Christmas with. Well, if that’s how you want to celebrate, Cargill says it’s all about planning and scheduling.
“Rotate between your homes each year or create a schedule that works for both families, ensuring a fair and balanced approach to holiday gatherings. Communication is key. Discuss and plan ahead to avoid last-minute stress,” she shares.
A family recipe may not seem like a special gift, but it does give you and your partner the chance to learn more about your respective cultures and traditions, bringing you closer.
“Share and exchange family recipes with your partner,” she urges. “Cook a dish from each other’s family traditions and enjoy a delicious feast that represents the merging of your culinary heritages.”
Ditch house-hopping for a movie night. This Christmas, Home Alone, The Preacher’s Wife, Elf…there are so many great Christmas movies just waiting for you and your boo to binge. Cargill says a movie night on the couch provides the perfect opportunity “to snuggle up, laugh, and learn more about each other.” Pop some popcorn and heat up some hot chocolate and, in the words of my favorite TikTok food content creator, Devour Power, have yourself a time.
The holiday season is a reflective time of year. Instead of letting the thoughts and feelings that come up come and go, Cargill suggests writing them down and sharing them with your partner.
“Collect these notes in a jar and read them together on New Year’s Eve,” she says. “It’s a wonderful way to reflect on the positive experiences you’ve shared.”
Game nights are always a blast, so why not schedule one during the holidays? Invite family and friends and engage in some friendly competition.
“There’s nothing like a game of Spades, Uno, Taboo, etc. to keep game night fun and interactive,” she says. Want to take it to the next level? “Throw in some karaoke as a bonus!” she adds enthusiastically.
The holidays aren’t just about connecting with the people close to you. It’s also about giving back. Cargill says volunteering together is a purposeful and meaningful way to support your community.
“Whether it’s serving meals at a local shelter or participating in a toy drive, contributing to the well-being of others can be a fulfilling way to spend the holidays,” she says.
Why not use your hard-earned paid time off and catch flights this holiday season? A trip for you and your boo (or with family members too) is a great way to create new traditions. Cargill suggests going to a destination that holds significance for both of you.
“It could be a city with a rich history, or a place where you can experience new traditions together,” she says. “You could even go to a place you both have never been before to have a first experience together.”
No matter how you decide to celebrate the holidays this year, prioritize creating special moments and new traditions that honor you and your relationship. Keeping that top of mind will ensure you have a holly, jolly Christmas.