I received three emails from three different women from three different places around the country on one day last week. All of the emails were concerning the same relationship topic: "Dear Steven, can I be celibate and still be in a relationship?"
I have been avoiding this celibacy question for a couple of years now because I don't want to be the cause of a person going to hell.
As a Christian, I know that we are supposed to wait until we are married before having sex. Having said that, I find it necessary to keep it real at all times. All times.
When keeping it real, discussion points have to be placed in perspective. The perspective required here is that of the Average Single Sexually Active Man. Let's call him Sam. The question at hand is, Will Sam give up having sex for you? After careful assessment of the data collection from my previous field research, I have decided that this topic is much more complicated than it initially seems. You know what? Let's just talk directly to Sam.
Steven James Dixon: Sam, if you are in a relationship with a woman, does she have to have sex with you in order for you to remain faithful and stay in the relationship?"
Sam: Steven, why would I wait and sacrifice sex when I can just get it from somewhere else?
Steven James Dixon: You are right, you can get sex anywhere, but don't you want more than that out of your woman? Out of your relationship?
Sam: Yeah, I want more, I want those things when I get married, but not when I first meet a woman. When I first meet a woman I am thinking about one thing and one thing only.
Steven James Dixon: But through the processing of that line of thinking you will undoubtedly miss out on some good women.
Sam: True, I am going to miss out on some good women, but all the good women are not celibate. Many good women like sex just as much as I do. Which circles me back to the original question, why would I wait and sacrifice sex when I can just get it from somewhere else?
While talking with Sam I started to think maybe we are asking Sam the wrong question.
Steven James Dixon: Sam, you are not waiting or sacrificing sex, you are waiting on that specific woman. Because she is a phenomenal woman. Because that woman who is saving herself for you is special. She is unique. She is principled. She is obviously God fearing. She will be able to pray for you when you are down. She is going to be submissive.
Sam: How do I know that she is going to be all that?
Steven James Dixon: You have to stay longer and find out.
Sam: No! She has to show me more upfront. If I am going to sacrifice, then I need to know right upfront what I am sacrificing for. If I meet a woman that has not been through your training class there is no way of me knowing if she is worthy of me making that sacrifice.
And now we arrive at the problem identification.
Celibate sister, you are not going to like what I have to say right now but it is the truth. If you want Sam, then you are going to have to show Sam your woman. Sexual women are visible to Sam on a daily basis so he will only recognize you if you stand out — If you show him your woman.
Celibate sister you are going to have to step your game up. If that man takes you out and spends money on you then you need to be ready to cook him a meal. Not a snack, not dinner, you need to be able to cook him something that is going to make him sit on the couch and rub his belly in a clockwise circular motion. If you want a man, you have to show him your woman.
If he is showing you interest then you cannot wait for him to earn the opportunity to gain more knowledge about your woman. It doesn't have to be a candle-lit dinner. It can be a get together with friends and your place, where he gets to see how you live, how you decorate, how clean you are, how you can add value to his life. Celibate sisters, it is your responsibility to show the man what your momma taught you. A man is not staying, not sacrificing and definitely not marrying a woman that has not shown him her wife skills. Celibacy is part of your own personal, spiritual walk. No one can walk it with you.
Having said all that, if you are celibate you are not supposed to want to date Sam. Sam is average. You are better than that.
Disclaimer: I am not implying that a woman belongs in the kitchen and that a man does not cook. Man and woman can share household duties equally. Y'all get on my nerves with that.
Steven James Dixon is the author of the sure-fire conversation starter "Men Don't Heal, We Ho: A Book About the Emotional Instability of Men." Read more advice from SJD at The Relationship Report. His book is available at StevenJamesDixon.com.