Dating today can feel like an Olympic sport. Between swipe culture, endless apps, and the pressure to find “the one” before the proverbial clock runs out, it’s no wonder so many of us are burned out. What if the remedy to this isn’t to move faster—but instead to slow down? On TikTok and Instagram, hashtags like #SlowDating and #IntentionalDating have racked up thousands of views as people share stories about resisting hookup culture, choosing themselves, and taking relationships at their own pace.
That’s the philosophy of life coach Candis Williams, whose writing on “slow dating” has struck a chord with women ready to rethink how they approach love. For Williams, slow dating isn’t about rigid rules or waiting 90 days before intimacy. It’s about bringing joy back into the process.
“It’s not about the speed,” Williams told me. “It’s the intention of getting to know a person for who they are, not what they can do for you.”
Williams admits she was once as caught up in the transactional grind of modern dating as anyone else. Living in Miami, she often noticed how encounters felt rushed, surface-level, or agenda-driven. “I was starting to notice that everybody I met had a box they wanted to put me in,” she recalls. “Can I see a future with this woman? Do I want to sleep with her? And if the answer was no, they were done.”
That realization became the seed of her writing on slow dating, which reframes love as an unfolding rather than a conquest. Instead of asking, Does this person check off my boxes? Williams urges daters to lean into curiosity: Am I interested in this human as a human?
Through her slow dating series on TheSlowYear.com, Williams developed five guiding principles:
- Anchored Over Attached – Be grounded in who you are so you don’t contort yourself to fit someone else’s needs.
- Curiosity Over Conquest – Treat dating as an adventure, not a game.
- Presence Over Permanence – Enjoy the moment instead of obsessing over the future.
- Freedom Over Force – Let connections unfold at their own pace.
- Respect Over Resentment – Leave situations with dignity instead of bitterness.
“We’ve been told that by 30 days you should be exclusive, by two months you should know if he’s the one,” Williams says. “But that conditioning doesn’t give connection the space to unfold.”
As a Black woman with roots in both Mississippi and Australia, Williams sees cultural and community dynamics shaping how women of color approach dating. “We’re increasingly successful in our careers, financially independent, emotionally independent. Love is no longer about survival,” she shares. “So what’s the point of dating then? For me, the answer is joy.”
The idea that we deserve to date for joy, not out of need, can feel radical in a culture where Black women often face pressure to “settle down” sooner than later. Williams notes that many successful women in their 30s and 40s also feel the biological clock ticking, which makes slowing down seem impossible. Yet she believes slow dating can still work, even for those with motherhood on their minds.
“Slow dating doesn’t mean you can’t have multiple connections unfolding,” she says. “It means you show up relaxed, joyful, and honest. And that energy is magnetic.”
Williams isn’t the only coach encouraging people to hit pause. Vee Carter, a dating and life coach, also sees slow dating as a powerful reset for people stuck in unfulfilling cycles.
“I honestly think everyone should try slow dating,” Carter says. “A lot of people speed up the process because they’re anxious or carrying unresolved trauma. None of us ever really learn how to date—we just stumble around. At the bare minimum, you can start with slow dating.”
Carter emphasizes that women, in particular, are conditioned to bend to what their partners want. “We put our needs aside,” she notes. “Slow dating gives you space to really ask: What do I want? What do I need?”
Her advice is practical: communicate openly from the beginning, set the tone by saying you’d like to take your time, and schedule regular check-ins to make sure you’re both aligned. “Telling someone, ‘I’m really enjoying our time, but I’d like us to take it slow’ gives them a choice about how they want to move forward,” she says.
So who should consider the slow dating challenge? According to both coaches, just about anyone. If you’re tired of rules, jaded by apps, or exhausted from heartbreak, it might be time to reset.
“Dating should feel joyful,” Williams insists. “If I go into a date thinking, How much fun can I have here in getting to know this person? then I’m not analyzing or pressuring. I’m just enjoying myself.”
Carter echoes that sentiment: “If you find yourself rushing into situationships or relationships that don’t serve you, slow dating is a way to break that cycle. It gives you the chance to really see if someone is a good fit or if you’re just going through the motions.”
Ultimately, slow dating is less about a timeline and more about a mindset. Both Williams and Carter believe it has the power to create not just better relationships, but better lives.
“We’re all tired of things getting faster and faster,” Williams says. “When you slow down, you see more clearly. You relate to life differently. And that changes how you relate to love, too.”
So, do you need to take the slow dating challenge? If you’re ready to date from a place of joy, not need, the answer just might be yes.