Although it’s National Sex Day, today, some may opt out of having sex altogether, which is more than okay. Disinterest in sex can be considered as being asexual. Asexuality is a sexual orientation where some people experience little to no sexual attraction to other individuals, which shouldn’t be confused with abstinence or celibacy, which is a choice to not engage in sexual activity. Although asexual people may not experience sexual attraction, they are still open to experience romantic attraction and desire emotional connection.
According to Shamyra Howard, a sex expert, asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a condition to fix. “Some people don’t experience sexual attraction at all, and that doesn’t make them broken. It makes them human. This is what makes asexuality different from celibacy or abstinence. It’s time we stopped treating asexuality like it’s a phase or a problem, especially in Black communities where sexuality is already layered with silence, shame, and stereotype,” she states. “Being asexual doesn’t mean one can’t love, be in relationships, have deep connections, or even enjoy physical touch. it just means that sex isn’t the driver or desire in those experiences.”
Dr. Candice Hargons, who is a sex positive researcher and author of Good Sex: Stories, Science, and Strategies for Sexual Liberation agrees with Howard’s stance. “People often confuse sex positivity with the mandate that you have to have sex and a certain amount of it to be happy, but that isn’t the case. It is about authentically living the sexual life you want, which includes no sex if that works well for you,” she states.
Hargons continued, “For Black women in particular, gendered racism undergirds the idea that we are sexual vessels for a man’s pleasure and must be open and willing, especially in marriage. But what if you are romantically connected to someone and have no sexual desire, interest, or fantasies? If this doesn’t cause distress to you, it may be worth exploring whether this is a part of your sexual identity.”
Dr. Nikki Coleman, a celebrated sex and licensed psychologist says that it’s estimated that about 1% to 2% of the overall population is asexual. And the term covers people who experience limited sexual attraction such as demisexual – experiencing sexual arousal and desire but only in the context of a close, emotionally intimate relationship or gray – experiencing some degree of sexual arousal and/or tolerance for sexual behaviors in the context of an intimate relationship to people who experience no sexual attraction at all. “It is important to distinguish sexual attraction from romantic attraction and both from affection. Said simply, someone can be Ace and still experience deep feelings of romantic connection and/or give and wish to receive affection from the people in their life they are intimate with,” Coleman says.
It’s important to note that there’s an entire spectrum within asexuality. “Some asexual folks may still enjoy sex for reasons like connection or curiosity. Some might be repulsed by it. Some may want romantic partnerships, and others may not,” says Howard. “You don’t need to justify your relationship to sex to anyone. Not your family, not your friends, not your therapist. Sexual attraction is not the only type of attraction that matters. Emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and romantic bonds can be just as powerful, sometimes more.”