It’s time to prioritize you, I’m sure you know that, but when was the last time you’ve done so?
If you’re struggling to find an answer, you aren’t alone. It’s no secret that Black women chronically struggle with and suffer from burnout in and out of the workplace, which can lead to grave health issues, physical and mental. However, through awareness of burnout and unhappiness, and with community support, a solution can be found, and that’s where DeBlair Tate comes in. Tate is an author and an executive life coach for CEOs and public figures, with a specialty in health and wellness.
As a veteran, certified fitness coach, author, and entrepreneur, and a member of the less than 1% of Black women who have reached the rank of sergeant in the U.S. Air Force, she brings a unique blend of discipline, resilience, and empowerment to her clients.
Her popularized tagline, “I refuse to be a public success and private mess,” perfectly highlights the core of work: to help women address the pain, exhaustion, and trauma they are experiencing behind the scenes. We spoke to Tate about how she’s helping Black women to prioritize self-care.
ESSENCE: Can you walk me through your healing journey?
DeBlair Tate: So the journey began when I started wanting to do better and wanting to live a real, healthy life behind the scenes at home and out in public. So it just came along with just facing the truth and starting to uncover the actual things that were causing me to behave a particular type of way, or to react a specific kind of way, and that was the most challenging part, I guess, is facing it, addressing it, giving it a name, and also not blaming others for it, and taking accountability.
ESSENCE: Addressing what exactly?
DeBlair Tate: I grew up in a single parent home, addressing the fact that that happened in questions that I had behind it, so just uncovering what happened to be at peace with whether I wanted to make amends with it, because it was a lot of things that you had to do behind the scenes before you can even start to heal yourself. So even with the healing journey, it came with a lot more hurt, if that makes sense, and you had to go deep and peel back all the layers to get to a place where you were really at peace, instead of just continuing to cover it up.
ESSENCE: Did you go to therapy to address childhood trauma?
DeBlair Tate: I did therapy in the military. So we did some treatment with that, but also spent a lot of time speaking with coaches. I mean, I mean therapy now, actually, and I also have a coach, all of the things. But more importantly, it’s about connecting with myself and being honest. And many of the things I encounter are within my control. So, I’ll use my father as an example. I decided to forgive him. So, with that forgiveness, it was more about holding myself accountable and not continuing to relive what happened. But my therapy was having a conversation with him instead of going to speak with someone about a stranger, him. And I had that complicated conversation, and from that hard conversation, I was able to accept whether I agree with it or not. I was able to accept where he was and what happened, and I was able to move on from that.
ESSENCE: Could you speak to me about your transition to becoming an executive life coach?
DeBlair Tate: Becoming a life coach had everything to do with me being in the military. I was normalizing burnout, the way I was normalizing masking, really being happy when I was working myself to death, and as a result of that, that’s when I started uncovering some health issues that were impacting me because of the things that I were doing, I was really admiring our our glory, glorifying the whole hustle culture is what we call it, where we do team No sleep, and all of the day I’ll sleep when I die, all of that nonsense. You know what I mean? That was my sentiment. Even before I was a life coach, I was a personal trainer. So I was in the military. I was a personal trainer. I just was. I did everything I could to ensure that I was not a financially unstable person, basically. So even from me being a personal trainer, I started talking to my clients and uncovering why they did what they did.
I found that it was more mental than anything, and I share some of the same sentiments with, you know, problems at home and, you know, dealing with relationship problems and all of that. So I decided I wanted to be something for them that I didn’t have. So that’s when I became an executive life coach, and that’s when things started opening up for me more so setting my boundaries, more So paying attention being emotionally intelligent when I had conversations with these women, and then creating a space where they can come in and reset their lives, and they don’t have to continue to live the life that they live and end up living with regret.
ESSENCE: At ESSENCE, we talk a lot about burnout and helping black women get on the road to joy. And how did you address your burnout?
DeBlair Tate: I didn’t address burnout. Burnout addressed me. I continued until my body gave out. So I started becoming very sick, with vertigo and autoimmune issues. Things just started happening within my body that forced me to pay attention.
Unfortunately, that was my journey. That was my wake-up call to say, Hey, I don’t want anybody else to experience this. So, I tried to speak to women before this happened. The burnout came at a cost for me. It came at a cost for me, and because it came at a price, I ended up taking it more seriously than some women who know they need to change but ultimately don’t.
It doesn’t make you less of a boss because you set boundaries, tell people “No”, or even strategize and start organizing your life. So that’s the biggest thing. We have this stigma that we have to wear a cape. However, with the cape, we also have a mask, because with the mask, we’re hurting on the inside. I did a webinar last night, which is the title of my conference. I refuse to be a public success in a private mess, with that burnout. We are private mess, and nobody knows about it, late night cries, health issues, all of the things, but we still are expected to perform, and it’s up to us to, you know, set those boundaries and tell people you know what we’re able to do and when we’re able to do it.
My tagline is: I help high-achieving women dominate in both their personal lives and their careers. You have to call out what you don’t like in your life. You have to talk about what you’re doing. You have to look at your private life versus your personal life. So, when you have balance, I ask most women, and everyone is different. Because some people, their relationships may be at fault because they pour everything into their careers, but they’re not listening to their kids.
You say you value family, but you’re never home. Boundaries are the main things that need to be addressed. You also talked about being intentional, being more disciplined, because if you set intentionality and if you set boundaries, you have to be disciplined and be able to stand in that truth. You can’t say you’re disciplined, but when someone calls you, or even when I’m around, everyone doesn’t have access to me.
But just taking control of your life and not letting others and everything else control your life.
ESSENCE: My value is peace, and you can achieve it by having those boundaries and putting forth the discipline to have that. What methods of health and wellness do you focus on for your clients?
DeBlair Tate: Clarity for sure, because a lot of people lack clarity. You know, you don’t know you need something, but you have no idea what it is, and it’s because your mind is so polluted with cultural influences, social media, and you don’t even know who you are. Your identity is in question. Getting clarity on who you are, what you want, and how you want your life to look is essential to obtaining that structure and discipline. That’s where it has to start.
ESSENCE: How can black women take the tips, the sage advice, the learnings, and have better wellness for themselves?
DeBlair Tate: Take the time to put effort and energy into making the changes you need to make. You’ve got to slow down. You cannot say that you want to do all these things and you don’t put in the work. And what I talked about last night is the work that you do. It’s not sexy. It’s the work that people don’t want to do. It’s the time when you don’t want to put in the effort actually to make things right. So it’s like slowing down and doing what you say you’ve got to do. Don’t just talk about it, put in the work, do the things that need to be done, and everything else will fall in place.
ESSENCE: What does wellness mean to you?
DeBlair Tate: Wellness means peace for me, too. I’m a peaceful person. When you have wellness, to me, it means the physical, the spiritual, the financial, it means all of the things. It just doesn’t mean health. And many people mistakenly believe that wellness is something separate from health; however, health is all around us. I want to come home and not have to fight with my significant other. I want to go to work, but I don’t want to sit in a car because I don’t want to get out. That is wellness, because all of that stuff affects you mentally. All of that stuff affects you physically, how you view yourselves, and how you live day to day. So, just moving through life, enjoying it, experiencing peace and happiness – that’s what wellness is to me.