"Take it all in. Inhale slowly. Exhale the past, open my eyes and become present," writes Plus Size Model.
They say that true love never dies… Or maybe in time you realize that love wasn’t love at all. I’ve experienced both. Yes, I still love and care for one or two of the men I loved in my past. ~PAUSE~ And then there are those whose misfortune would make me sad and I would be hurt if I learned they experienced something bad or harmful, but love is so far removed. Like, I am surprised I ever told them I loved them. I really thought I did when I said it. But things change and so did my feelings. ~PLAY~
Nevertheless, there is an undying love that I have learned to put way “back there” and move forward. The truth is I like it there; all tucked away in my heart safe from drama, and the possibility of failure. Because, well, it has already expired. That run is over and nothing can take away or ruin what we had. Some memories I want to keep forever.
Back in 2001 my childhood sweetheart, oldest and closest male friend was murdered. I was devastated. I tried to keep in touch with his family, but hated myself for my uncontrollable breakdowns each time I was around his sister or spoke with his mom. After all, wasn’t I supposed to be a source of support for them? Surely his mother was not supposed to console me! But she did and one day when I apologized for my inability to keep my emotions in check, she told me something I will never forget. She encouraged me to bask in the emotions brought on by my heart’s longing for him and my sadness. “Hold on to him and miss him as much as you want because one day you won’t. The feelings will fade and the intensity will be gone. So hold on to it with everything you have right now. Feel it for as long as you can.” That was so freeing for me. She instructed me to feel and be emotional and be happy that I had all of it because the magnitude of every feeling I had would one day be just a memory and a feeling that I may never feel again. ~PAUSE~ Just writing that is a lot. It is so real and powerful... The knot I have in my throat is a ball of loss, sadness, appreciation and clarity. ~PLAY~
To you, the one(s) I loved and still love despite our ending... There are days that I miss you with enormity. You… the things you did, the way you did, when you did. The conversations… the things you said, the way you said, when you said. The love… the way you loved me, when you loved me right. And the love we made… the way we made the love we made. There are days when I dig deep into my heart and visit you and me in the past. I smile a smile for us, my heart skips a beat, my mouth waters and I close my eyes. Take it all in. Inhale slowly. Exhale the past, open my eyes and become present. Those memories are not my reality, but I’m happy I have them and had you. Truth is memories are just that… past.
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