A reader desperate to find the right man, asks Dr. Sherry for advice on how not to appear desperate.
You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel All Alone in Their Marriages, keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
Q: I'm always super pressed, and I overanalyze everything when it comes to men. I know I am an attractive female who could get a man, but when it comes to a man showing me attention, I'm almost starving over it. Instead of letting the attraction and chemistry build naturally, I do whatever I can to make him want to go out with me. I overanalyze everything from the jokes men make to trying to figure out why they were a few minutes late, blaming it on them trying to play me or just doing me a favor by going out with me. All of this then puts me in a mood I shouldn’t be in. My sisters call me "thirsty," because whenever I start liking a guy I really like him. I don't fall in love, but I do fall in deep, like to the point where everything he does gets me excited. When I'm not dating, I'm looking for dates, and I will sometimes settle for a night out (or a few) with a guy I know is no good for me just to have some sort of dating life. Dr. Sherry, why am I so pressed?
Ms. So Anxious
A: Dear Ms. So Anxious: The first thing I would recommend you do is take a deep breathe and chill out. Your anxiety and stress regarding men is controlling you and interfering with your judgment. Part of this is related to how you feel about yourself, and it sounds as if you do not feel very good about you. Although you said, “I am an attractive female who could get a man,” you must not believe that. The problem may not be “getting” a man; it sounds like your problem is keeping a man. How you respond initially in a relationship determines the tone of the relationship. It also determines how the other person will feel about you and treat you. If you do not feel confident and good about yourself, how do you expect others to feel about you? You are assuming no one is going to love or except you for you and because of it, you appear to overanalyze and jump to conclusions in order to avoid possible disappointments.
The reality is, if you allow the relationship to develop naturally, you may be surprised to learn things might just work out. However, if you are not careful, you will run any potential man away before they even get to know the real you. Overdoing it with a man makes you seem desperate, and when you appear desperate to a man, you are setting yourself up for the very thing you are trying to avoid: being used or taken advantage of. Also, please remember some men may work out and some will not. This does not mean there is something wrong with you. It only means he may or may not be the right person for you. Again, stop working so hard to make something happen and just go with the flow and allow it to happen! -- Dr. Sherry
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