You've seen celebrity clinical psychologist Dr. Sherry Blake, author of The Single Married Woman: True Stories of Why Women Feel Alone in Their Marriages keep the Braxton sisters calm on the hit show, Braxton Family Values. Now it's your turn to sit in her chair...
My husband of 16 years has had a seven year affair and fathered a 4-year-old son. This affair is with a Mexican co-worker at a pawn shop! She is still married (separated for seven years) to an illegal immigrant and has three children with her husband. Also, her husband's mother lives with her and is also an illegal immigrant. This woman has been in my home and to events that included her husband and children along with my husband and children. We have one biological son together. However, he has raised my 20-year-old son since the age of 4 and my 26-year-old daughter since the age of 9. I had no idea of his affair because my husband was home every night before 10 p.m. I am a master educator with multiple degrees and credentials, which I was pursuing when we met. This is what attracted him to me, but he now uses it against me! My father truly loved my husband and the two bonded so well before he sadly passed away. Other family members love my husband because of the love he showed me and my children who he raised as his own. The children and I treated my husband like the king that he is and I fulfilled every fantasy as his wife, so I thought, behind closed doors. I drank, smoked, and had a threesome for him! He stated that when I stopped drinking, I was no longer fun sexually! This really hurts my heart and the feelings I have towards my husband. He stills pays the rent and various other bills because he knows my salary is limited due to student loans, but he won't come home--he does not even call unless it has something to do with money. He has traded us off for his new family. What should I do?
Caught off guard? Really? Your husband had an affair for SEVEN years not seven months.....SEVEN years! Are you really saying that you had no clue that your husband was having an affair and had a four year old child during those seven years. If that is indeed the case, your husband must be the best cheater ever or you have to be totally blind to the truth. Either way, it says a lot about your marriage and your ability to communicate. Unfortunately, your husband checked out of the marriage years ago. His cheating had nothing to do with the other women being a Mexican or being legal or illegal. It also has nothing to do with how much he did for your children or how much others liked him. It also did not matter how much you drank or smoked or how many threesomes you had with him. He made a choice to cheat and to have an affair and a child with another woman. That was his choice. Now you have a choice. You can continue to be stuck hoping he will return or you can pick up the pieces of your life and move on. It is obvious that your husband has moved on with his life. He is legally married but emotionally divorced. In the mean time, you remain both legally and emotionally married. You must ask yourself why you are holding on to the marriage when he is long gone. Given his long time affair, his child by his mistress, and how he continues to treat you, do you think he will return or more importantly why would you want him to? You may still be in love with him but he has shown you no love by his behaviors. I recommend that you seek individual therapy to address issues and prepare to deal with the reality of what has happened. You must learn to let go before you can move beyond where you are. --Dr. Sherry
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