Intimacy Intervention: 'My Husband Says His Mind Wants Me But His Body Wants Her'

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What should a wife do when her husband wants an open marriage because her sex is “whack,” and she hates the idea but doesn’t want to get divorced again? Sexpert and life coach Abiola Abrams takes on this tricky situation.

Dear Abiola,

My husband and I have been together for six years and I hope we make it to the seventh. I had two kids coming into the relationship and he accepted them and we now have two more kids together. I love him, and I will do almost anything to make this work.

Two years ago, I busted him having a full-on affair with a woman who used to watch our kids. This lady was like a friend, and used to be grinning all up in my face, and initially suggested herself as a babysitter. Meanwhile, she was in a full-on sexual and emotional relationship with my husband on the side.

He got caught when my older son from another relationship told me that something seemed fishy. One day he got out of school early and went to pick up his younger siblings from this “babysitter.” For some strange reason his stepfather was already over there. All the kids were in the basement totally unattended to while these two “adults” were upstairs together.

My husband confessed and cried and basically blamed me. He said that since I don’t do oral or anal, I was boring in the bedroom so he was driven to this woman. Sex with me has been the same before and after got married, so I asked why he married me? He said I was a good person and he loved me, but that the sex was whack. I didn’t even want to have premarital sex. Now he says it was whack?!

I stepped my game up in the bedroom—I started doing everything (and I do mean everything!), even the things I didn’t morally agree with. I basically compromised my body and my religion for my husband. We worked it out. I saved my family. Obviously we all never saw this “lady” again as a family. Or so I thought.

Now my husband revealed that he has still been having sexual relations with this lady the whole time. Now he loves her and me too. He said that he doesn’t want to wreck our family and basically would like to experiment with a joint family situation. He said that I am the wife his mind wants and she is the “wife” his body and heart wants.

I am devastated. I don’t want to rip apart my family. Plus, what would I look like being divorced twice by the age of 45? I have seen you mention polyamory in the past. Is this a fit for me? The mention of this woman’s name makes me nauseous, but what can I do? I took a vow to love, honor and cherish, and that is important to me. Just because he has broken our vows doesn’t mean that I will.

He asked if I would try a three-way with her just to see how it goes. I feel like he is going to hell and dragging me with him. I am not attracted to women and even the thought of this woman’s eyes on me is enough to make me sick. But he is my husband. Do I have to go along with this?

Signed,

Fix It Jesus

Dearest Sacred Bombshell,

You are in an abusive relationship. Your husband is a master manipulator. I have to treat you the same way I would treat anyone who contacted me from a dangerous emergency situation. I am holding your hands, looking you in your eyes, and telling you to run like your house is on fire.

My darling, you are a beautiful woman of faith, fearfully and wonderfully made. It is clear that your vows mean everything to you. It is also clear that you are willing to do everything possible to save your marriage. My darling, unfortunately, this is a one-way street and a one-way marriage cannot work, no matter what is happening sexually. You are far from equally yoked.

Your man exposed you and your children to his adulterous sex life and his lover. He only has his own best interests in mind. Not yours, not your children’s. If a couple decides that forgiveness is their path after infidelity, that’s fine. That is a decision that no one can make but them. However, your letter sounds like your man placed the blame squarely at your feet.

My queen, if he knew about your sexual boundaries and personal limits before the marriage, how dare he blame you for him stepping out? You are compromising your mind, body, spirit, and emotions by going against what you believe for yourself. This is an unhealthy situation and self-betrayal. You did not save your family by going against your beliefs. You stepped deeper into the lion’s den. The lion, sadly, is your husband.

There is nothing inherently wrong with different kinds of sex, sexual experimentation, or polyamory when there are consenting adults and the situation is safe and sane. You had the gun of your relationship ending pointed to your head and are doing things that you morally disagree with. So there is nothing consensual, safe, or sane here.

This man is not doing you any favors. Your kids are not being shown a healthy relationship. I am quite sure that your vows didn’t include you being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually abused.

Now he has the audacity to ask you to share a relationship with him and the mistress? The only way you could type those words without every fiber of your being screaming out to you is that your emotions and your heart are frayed and broken. Please do not expose yourself to this woman, in any way shape or form.

You need three people on your team. Get a good lawyer, a great family therapist, and a supportive family member or friend. Create an exit plan and go. You have done all that you can.

Please take a new vow to love, honor, and cherish yourself.

Passionately yours,

Abiola

Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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