Intimacy Intervention: ‘He’s Not The Manliest In The Bedroom’

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A woman who feels that sex with her man is a little too “nice” asks sexpert Abiola how to spice things up in the bedroom fast.

Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!

Dear Abiola,

I have been dating this guy almost a year and we really get along except one thing. He’s not effeminate, but he’s not the manliest man in the bedroom either. I’m Jamaican-American, my man is African-American, and I have dated a lot of Jamaican, African and other West Indian brothers. Not to claim any stereotypes, but I am used to men putting it down and writing their name, if you know what I mean.

Sex with my man is nice, but I am not really looking for nice behind closed doors. Nice is great for dinner. Nice is fun watching TV and hanging out with my kids. Nice during sex is, meh. Is there a way to push him into being an alpha man and make him just go for it and own the cookie? Before you say talk about it, I told him I want him to go for it, be more aggressive and take it and I still get polite, smiley sex. Afterwards, he’s acting like he just laid it down and I am just like, really bruh?

I need him to man up and satisfy my soul. This one even seems scared to be the sexual initiator. I am used to a man being a man. Is a little thug-loving too much to ask for? It seems like he wants me to be the dominant one. Then I feel like the man in the relationship and I feel disgusted and turned off. Help!


Yes All Women Need

My Dearest Y.A.W.N,

“No Woman, No Cry,” my queen. Just like there is a wide range of womanhood, there is a wide range of manhood and experiences too.

Here it is short and simple: if you want an alpha man you need to date an alpha man. Most men are on a range or continuum but it sounds like you have found a true beta gentleman. For those who are into that, that’s great. Unfortunately, this is not what you’re looking for. The sign was when you started off his description with “not effeminate.” Again, nothing wrong with that if that is what someone is seeking.

There are absolutely cultural and regional differences in the way that people behave. For example, in my humble opinion as a woman of Caribbean descent who is also a New Yorker, I confess that I have noticed that some men from other regions may appear more passive and less ambitious than NYC men. Just my opinion. Everyone has their preferences but you deserve to be with someone you enjoy. You’re right; my primary advice is communicate with your boyfriend about the situation in a way that doesn’t belittle or humiliate him. Telling him to “man up” is not the way to go.

Say, “Listen Charlie (or whatever his name is), I love making love with you. And you know what really gets me hot? Those moments when you are really, really aggressive and just go for it. Can you turn that up? It makes me feel sexy when you initiate. I like a rude bwoy.” (Throw your Jamaican accent on for good measure!) Then see what happens.

The reason you feel disgusted and turned off is that polarity, the distance between the yin (feminine) energy of one partner and the yang (masculine) energy of the other, is what makes attraction hot. Polarity or opposing partner energy, brings the sparks, regardless of the sexual orientation or identity of the couple.  If you need it rough, rugged, and raw and your man is not a slap it up, flip it, rub it down kinda guy -- and can’t even go there in playtime-- no sparks. Your man sounds like he may not be able to access that kind of yang aggressive energy that you’re needing.

“Could You be Loved?” Yes! Unfortunately, if he’s a big yawn to you you’re probably sexually incompatible. If you’re not happy, move on or you will be “Waiting in Vain” for this brother to start “Jamming” or at least “Stir It Up.” The great news is that there are many men on the planet and plenty of them are from the island of Jamaica. However, location or cultural background is no guarantee of levels of yang masculine energy or aggression either.

As the late, great Bob Marley is quoted as saying, “some people feel the rain, others just get wet.” Meanwhile, I will hold a vision for you being loved with the heat you seek. One love!

Passionately yours,


Abiola Abrams

Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.

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Filed under: Love & Sex