Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
I got drunk last weekend and slept with my best friend’s boyfriend. We were all drunk at her house watching TV. She passed out and her man carried her in the bedroom and put her to bed. Then he came and sat on the couch with me.
I was feeling kind of vulnerable. I haven’t really dated in a while and went through a bad breakup a year ago. I put my head on his shoulder and hugged him but it was only in a brother-sister way. We’ve been cool since the whole 5 months they’ve been together.
I am not sure if he started it or I started it but we started kissing. Then he took my hand and we tiptoed down to the laundry room like little kids and basically went for it. Clothes off, different positions, the whole nine yards. When it was over, I gave him my number and just broke out. He called me and we made a pact that this would be our little secret. The next day he came to my house and we did it again.
She knows I always crash at her house when we’re hanging late so the next day she was like, why did you leave? I just made up some excuse. Now her man keeps texting me asking when we’re going to hook up again. He said if I don’t do it, he’s going to tell her what happened and say I came on to him.
He’s not even my type and now I feel like she shouldn’t have really left us alone together. He’s always looking at other girls and making off the wall remarks anyway.
She’s been like a sister to me since forever and I love her. She always has my back, she got me a job, and lends me money when I need help. I don’t want to lose our beautiful friendship. What should I do?
Blame It On the Alcohol
My Dearest BIOTA,
While “Blame It On The Alcohol” was a catchy tune, there is nothing to dance about when it comes to the fact that you betrayed your friend. With all due respect, m’am, you are full of excuses. “He’s not my type, he looks at other girls, and Mercury was in retrograde.” Then you are even blaming your “best friend” for leaving you two cheaters alone?! I hear no sorrow or regret from you at all. Woman, your moral compass needs a reset.
There is no reason EVER to put your head on the shoulder of your friend’s man and HUG HIM unless you had a sibling-like relationship with him prior to them meeting. Please examine what kind of anger or jealousy issues you most likely had with your friend before this incident. Most importantly, you need a reality check because your extreme insecurity is causing you to see things skewed.
Bottom line: you need to tell your friend. Adults take responsibility for their actions. If your friend knew that you were dating a serial liar and cheater, wouldn’t you want her to tell you? I don’t know you but just based on this alone you come across as selfish, shallow, immature, and lacking the capacity to be a true friend. Whether your friendship will survive or not depends on whether you are both interested in doing the work in healing it. Be prepared for the fact that your friend may want nothing to do with you -- but in life there are consequences for our actions.
Invest in therapy and figure out why you felt the need to sabotage your friendship. You have conspired, colluded, and collaborated with this man against someone you call your sister. With that kind of sisterhood or friendship, there’s no need for enemies.
Hear this from a place of love not judgment: A woman who loves herself doesn’t feel the need to covet her neighbor’s man to build up her own self-esteem. You will find no stones cast here, only a hope and a firm belief that you can and will do better. I see you whole, healthy, and secure enough in your own skin to welcome love into your life that is not stolen.
Now you know better. Do better.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.