Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill Cunningham Show and all over the web through her hit web series AbiolaTV. Now she wants to help you keep things spicy and fresh between the sheets. Are you in need of an intimacy intervention? Just ask Abiola!
My boyfriend jokingly says that I need to get a vaginoplasty and I am seriously considering it. We’ve been together for almost a year and our sex life is pretty regular. It used to be really good but now I just feel self-conscious. Sometimes in the middle of the act my man will stop and whisper, “Just try to tighten up or grip me.” I try my best but then he continues on annoyed like it makes no difference. I know he would pay for it if I asked but I have the money.
This is not to save my relationship with my boyfriend, although he’s the one who first suggested it. Now he’s even showing me news clips about women having their vaginas tightened. He said it looks like a “sexy little procedure” and he would “marry me in a minute” if I did it. He always makes it seem like a joke but he keeps on mentioning the surgery. He even said it’s better when I’m drier because then at least he can get some kind of friction.
I guess he just feels like he’s slipping out. Is there a doctor you can recommend? If people can have fat sucked out of their thighs what’s wrong with me getting a facelift on my vagina?
Seeking A Designer Vagina
My Darling, S.A.D. V,
Let me make sure I have this straight: You would like to volunteer to receive a sanitized Western medicine sanctioned version of what the World Health Organization calls “Female genital mutilation” and pay someone for the privilege? Yes, mutilation. The WHO defines “Female genital mutilation” as “procedures that intentionally alter or cause injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons.” Vaginal rejuvenation may sound like a spa term but you are not signing up to get your eyebrows waxed. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists warns that possible side effects of so-called revirgination procedures include “infection, altered sensation, dyspareunia, adhesions, and scarring.”
Is this still sounding like a “sexy little procedure” to you?
It is your right to choose what to do with your body but since you asked I must tell you that my opinion is a resounding, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS. I get that you are unhappy with your body. I understand that you are feeling insecure about yourself and would like to get surgery to attempt to fill the hole, pun intended.
We all have beauty insecurities. The hair and cosmetics industries are billion dollar businesses for a reason. Question: Has your man (of less than a year) ever considered that maybe he’s too small rather than you being too big? Is he somewhere researching designer penile implants and getting advice on how to cut up his body to please you? My guess would be no. You need a new boyfriend not a new vagina. You also need to examine your belief system and spend your energy on learning how to love yourself.
There are natural ways to get the physical results you want. Have you ever tried PC squeezes? This internal exercise, also known as Kegels, can tighten your vaginal muscles and prevent incontinence when you get older as well. Make this a part of your personal wellness routine. I would also recommend that you invest in some intimate workout gear. Kandi Burruss’ Bedroom Kandi line has a product called “Hold on to Me”. These mini barbells of different sizes will help you “improve the hold on your partner during intercourse,” strengthen and tone the PC muscle and “increase vaginal lubrication and bladder control.” There is also a pelvic fitness weight system called Je Joue Ami.
Since I want you to be safe, here’s the basic info should you consider to continue down this surgical path: The vagina rejuvenation surgery consists of removing portions of your vaginal lining. Your doctor will then tighten up the surrounding muscles and soft tissues. Surgery is two hours with an average recovery of six weeks. Risks include bleeding, scarring and infection. Please note that this does not constitute medical advice. Check with your own physician before moving ahead.
The cost for vaginoplasty surgery in a big city is about $10,000 including anesthesia and postoperative visits. No shade, sis, but that money can also get you a year’s worth of intensive therapy. Do your research and make sure that your plastic surgeon is Board Certified. Get references and speak directly with her previous clients. Make sure that their are no lawsuits pending against the doctor or his firm.
We are a culture that circumcises our boys without true medical necessity as well so there’s much to examine for all of us. Know this: You are already beautiful and perfect, inside and out. Anyone who disagrees has issues of their own.
Abiola Abrams is the founder of The Bombshell Academy blog, online school and web series over at AbiolaTV. Follow her on Twitter to continue the discussion about this week's hot topic, and then email her your burning questions now. Anything you send will be posted anonymously, promise.