I wasn't going to write this entry. I didn't believe the memory deserved my head space or the time that I'm now taking to write it. But then I remembered why I write. With the stroke of a few keys, it becomes therapeutic for me and it sometimes inspires others. So here it goes...
I remember an ex professing his love via text. "I'm in love with you. I would stop everything to be with you, if you wanted," he wrote… and he's married. Now, work with me. I am dead against messing with another woman's husband! ~PAUSE~ All you judgmental folks calm down. ~PLAY~ Please know, I was totally in love with this man once.
In my entire dating career I have sacrificed my happiness for others at some point. I say "others" and not just men because I have made exceptions for their children, baby mommas, mothers, homeboys, etc. And the only person to blame was me! When I received the text from this man who I once loved enough to trust in weary situations – this man who I believed in more than he did himself, this man whose love fell on my heart and never left – I believed him. I sat and thought long and hard about what I wanted. Maybe he was it.
Some people take this bull, called life, by the horns and make stuff happen. Others let life happen to them. He had an amazing way of painting himself as the victim in every situation. If his situation were different, things would be different. After all, his other "situation" was the reason why he couldn't be the man I wanted and needed years ago. And since he never had the heart to change his situation, I changed mine and left… for good.
I'll admit, when the text came through, I opened the vault where I had securely locked away my love for him. I remembered how wonderful it used to feel to be with him. I daydreamt about the possibilities I had never allowed myself to think. Before I was terrified of the disappointment. My heart fluttered with excitement at the possibilities. Maybe I wanted this? Maybe I wanted us? Maybe I wanted him to stop everything for me? Maybe we will just say "F the world" and live happily ever after? Maybe we should talk about it? And he agreed.
And then, he disappeared after a few days of brief phone calls and text messages full of emotions. He faded to black. Imagine that? He gave his word, his impeccable word, and never kept it. It was like déjà vu. His situations may have changed, but he did not. He still sold me a dream he could never fulfill. And there I was open like a dream catcher. My heart was open, blowing in the wind hoping to catch the possibilities of us. Again. ~PAUSE ~ Seriously, sometimes I'm too poetic for myself! A dream catcher blowing in the wind?! I know! It sounds sappy and hopeless, but it's true. Have you ever seen a dream catcher? The concept is open and optimistic. It's a strange looking circle with holes and feathers, typically suspended over one's bed waiting to catch a dream. Do you understand the power of optimism and faith? It keeps me going and always reminds me that there is more, perhaps the best is yet to come. ~PLAY~
I was so annoyed with myself for opening that vault. That hope for him, that love for him was never supposed to see light again… and it won't.
I saw him by accident a few weeks after his disappearing act. "Hey, PSM. Good to see you." I responded, "It's good to be seen." He gave me a weak smile, barely able to look me in the eyes. He tried to make conversation. But my heart was cold. There was nothing left here for him. Ironically, I believe that's what he wanted. He never was one to have courage enough to stand up and make a move. He was always a coward. You know, like a dude who shoots you in the back after you thought the beef was squashed.
I was angry. I'm at peace with it now. I thought he changed because his situations changed. You see, change is temporary. Water turns to ice in freezing temperature, but ice melts... back to water in heat.
So what's the moral of this memory? When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If you couldn't deal with them then, you probably won't be able to deal with them now… unless you both transform.
I had to remind myself, if I walked away from someone, I did it after a lot of thought and consideration. I had weighed all the pros and cons. I now trust the me of yesterday and leave the past.. where? Back there!
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