Q: “Until recently, I was ‘friends’ with a guy for over three years. He was very educated, well spoken and giving. The problem is, he didn't want anything serious with me. Like a fool, I continued to spend time with him, giving my body to a man that didn't see me as good enough to be his girlfriend. Finally, I let go. It's been almost two months since I last saw him or talked to him on the phone. How can I continue to move forward? I ask because I still think about him and have to talk myself out of reaching out to him. Please help me!” — Dee
A: Dee, sometimes the word “friends” means only that and nothing more. It becomes heartbreaking when you have hopes of a friendship becoming something more and it doesn’t work out. The issue with your relationship is that he defined you as a friend from the beginning and you heard otherwise. In fact, it sounds as if you accepted this definition and role as a friend. Yet for some reason, you decided to be a friend and give “benefits” too. When you decide to give free benefits, do you really expect to get paid?
Unfortunately, many women enter into relationships with ideas about what it could be as opposed to the reality of what it is. After a while, they realize that their relationship is nothing more than a fantasy. They often view their relationship as what it “woulda, coulda, shoulda” been if it had worked. Dee, you are young and smart enough to realize that you need to move on.
Think of your time with your “friend” as a learning experience and grow from it. You move on by understanding that he was no more than a “friend,” and not a very good friend at that. You deserve more, but in order to have more, you must demand more. Listen carefully at the beginning of relationships and try to avoid allowing your mind to race to what the relationship could be if this or that happens. Remember, you have a right to choose the type of man you want, and not every woman will be “the chosen one” for a man. Put simply: Do not settle! — Dr. Sherry
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