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Granted, this is an uncommon scenario, but even though the article warns against making “heroes” out of men who are primary caregivers, I found the tone of the article doing just that. I don’t feel compelled to give a man any extra kudos for staying home to care for the children he created. Maybe now that more men are taking on full-time child-raising as a career, the role might finally get the respect it lacked.
What I did find interesting was a buried tidbit that backed up a trend I’d been noticing in some of the relationship questions my clients have asked lately. There’s been an uptick in women who earn more than the men they’re involved with wondering whether it’s wrong to care about their mate’s current earnings or earning potential. Apparently it comes up more often these days, because 23 percent of wives out-earn their husbands, according to a 2010 study by the Pew Research Center. And women 30 and under make more money, on average, than their male counterparts in all but three of the largest cities in the United States.
Usually when there’s a story about women making more than their partners, the focus is on how to assuage the male ego. But maybe that focus should turn to making sure women, deep down, are actually okay with a partner who makes less. Even for the post-feminist gains women have made on the professional front, most of us were raised on fairytales and romantic comedies, and as such, a whole lot of women still expect traditional roles when it comes to relationships – that is, a man being the breadwinner/provider. And when he isn’t, sometimes things get tricky.
Thinking about this reminded me of a New York magazine story from a few years back, “Alpha Women, Beta Men,” in which some women who earned significantly more than their partners complained of losing sexual desire for them. By paying for so much so often, they said, they began to feel more like parents than significant others. Some women complained they felt less feminine in the role of the provider. And other women reported that despite bringing home the bacon, they were even more likely to be expected to fry it up too -- then clean the pans afterward! (A study from the Center for Research on Families at the University of Washington discovered that the more money a wife makes, the more housework she does in proportion to her husband.) Obviously, that can lead to resentment.
Of course, that is the worst-case scenario. Plenty of high-earning women are able to make it work with men who earn less -- and these couples likely succeed by unbinding themselves from stereotypical gender roles and using exceptional (and regular) communication to make sure both partners’ needs are addressed in the relationship.
Are you comfortable earning more than your man?
Demetria L. Lucas is the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Follow her on Twitter @abelleinbk
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Well I think, as girls' horizons have broadened and their skill sets multiplied, it is quite natural that their earning power has risen also. Do you remember that only a quarter of girls entered universities in 1960..., for example, whereas by now they have already outnumbered boys. Of course, legislation system, along with industrial revolution and a greater emphasis on typically female skills, such as softness and communication, played their roles. However, according to the data provided by High Pay Commission, the envy of the 4000 percents raising in the income of some big bosses is not what frustrates the rocketing boardroom payday advance. It’s basically a failure to give it some logical explanation.
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Posted 35 days ago by GalinaTurkohw2871@yahoo.comMost women who earn a lot of money are strong confident women and that would help in their relationships.
Posted 35 days ago by BigWoodI would be comfortable earning more, but not significantly more. Like I couldn't be making 100k and be with a 30k dude. And that dude probably wouldn't want me either.
Posted 35 days ago by k.My salary is so low it would be hard for me to make more than my future man but I am praying that I find a new career and man this yr lol
I have never been money hungry but I do want to have a good financial situation in my marriage. I am working now to pay off a few bills now.
Posted 37 days ago by no commentI am very comfortable earning more than my man. I have the ability to separate KP the professional business woman from KP the girlfriend and down to earth person who is nothing without God. I don't let my career, my degrees, or my salary define me. Those things can't hold a candle to the three things that are more important to me than anything: love, respect, and loyalty. As long as a man can bring me those three things in abundance, then he is one of the richest men I know. That's what matters most to me. My earnings do nothing more than pay the bills and allow me to indulge every now and again. I don't care who is footing the bill...I just want us to enjoy life together!
Posted 37 days ago by KPI am comfortable when I earn more then him and even more comfortable when I earn less then him. why? my ability to earn more then him was not founded or base on him, it was base on my ability to go beyond the call of duty.
Posted 37 days ago by Eileen W. ChatmanBeing comfortable is who I am, knowing my Identify, turns the ties, money don't make me I make the money, so with that being said yes I am comfortable earning more than my man?
Eileen Chatman
Jacksonville, Fl
I have to admit I do feel some of those same things "losing sexual desire, feeling more like parents than significant others; feeling less feminine in the role of the provider."
Posted 37 days ago by ValerieIt is not because I think the relationship is based on money or that I think he needs to make more than me. I do love him but those thoughts are there and I honestly don't know how to stop them. This hit a chord and I know I may need some help dealing with it because I really don't like feeling that way. And like VaNic said, he needs to be a man with a plan.
I have to admit I do feel some of those same things "losing sexual desire for them. By paying for so much so often, they said, they began to feel more like parents than significant others. Some women complained they felt less feminine in the role of the provider."
Posted 37 days ago by ValerieIt is not because I think the relationship is based on money. I do love him but those thoughts are there and I honestly don't know how to stop them. This hit a chord and I know I may need some help dealing with it because I really don't like feeling that way.
I am in grad school and I am single. But my future husband doesn't have to have the same level of education or money, but he does need to have goals and be working towards them. Its a difference between dating a janitor compared to dating the manager of the custodial services. I want a man with a plan, regardless of what field he works in or how much he makes. I came from the hood to make it to grad school, so I don't want to hear any excuses. You don't have to be a millionaire, but you do need goals and you need to be actively working towards them.
Posted 37 days ago by VaNicI am comfortable dating and/or marrying someone that makes less money than I do. God didn't promise me a man with a salary or bank account larger than mine. I'd much rather have a man that adores me, has dreams and aspirationsfor our future, than to have someone with money. When you marry, there is no more "I", but only "we", so the money becomes "ours"....when you start singling out who makes what, it's like welcoming the devil into your home and giving him free reign.
Posted 37 days ago by TherylWonderful Vee..Well said!! My hubby and I dont focus on who makes more money, we are proud of each others accomplishments. He is and always will be the MAN and that is all I ever need and wanted. It's not about money it's about living life to its fullest with one another. He protects me and care for me and LOVE ME, something that money cannot buy.
Posted 37 days ago by MarieI agree with the majority of the comments that precede mine. I am absolutely, 110% ok with earning more than my man, and any man who truly has his woman's back would be proud of her--not jealous or resentful of her. Its not a question for the women: its a question that ego-centric men need to ask themselves. I've dated people who were jealous of my monetary accomplishments so they tried to control and belittle me in other ways, or worse--tried to help me spend MY money. and I am not married so what's mine is in fact MINE, not ours: unless I choose to share it with you. Culturally, we should rejoice whenever ANY of us are doing well (when you consider how grossly underpaid and mistreated we've been historically); and then focus on what we can do *together* to enhance our relationships and our communities. I judge men on who and how they are, not what they have and I expect the same-money is great but its not everything.
Posted 37 days ago by Vee