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Have you ever observed a group of men when there are attractive women around? You’ll notice how men can’t observe a prominent tush without tapping a nearby man, even if he’s a stranger, to make sure that next man sees too. For better or worse, gawking at women is one of those hetero male bonding moments.
So, if you think a man (yes, that includes your man, especially if you break up) is going to keep images of you in all of your glory to himself, you’re delusional. As a woman who has always kept a bevy of guy friends, I’ve seen my fair share of naked and scantily clad pics that women sent to dudes. If they show me, you can bet all your money that they are showing their boys too.
Many women who take nudie flicks have been with their man for a while -- they trust him completely. Taking these kinds of pics seems like a great way to keep the relationship exciting, especially since men are the very visual creatures that they are. I guarantee you that Rihanna, Amber Rose, Jennifer Williams ("Basketball Wives"), Evelyn Lozada and Cassie thought the same things, and yet we’ve seen pictures of bare tushes/breasts and/or birth canals all over the gossip blogs.
Since real talk is what we do here, let's also chat about the other reasons women are spreading and bending for the camera. I've been reading comments in reaction to Amber Rose's latest scandal (the pictures hit the blogs last week showing her pleasuring herself while clad only in upscale footwear). A disturbing number of women rationalize her photos by saying (actual quote), “If you try to act like you don't or won't do it for someone you claim to love, then don't be mad when he finds someone else who does.” (Really?)
Seems like a lot of y'all are taking flicks because you think that's how you keep a man. If (literally) putting it all out there is his breaking point, then let that next chick have him so it's her bare bottom or waxed va-jay-jay — not yours — getting uploaded on the men’s ongoing BBM group chat, or posted on Red Tube and Afro Amateur. Those sites may not have the commercial value of Bossip, Media Takeout or World Star Hip Hop, but if your pics make it there, they have the potential to reach your mama, your next man, and your current employer.
All this is to say, I'm well aware that there are women who will read this today and tonight will still be posted-up in the bathroom mirror with the camera phone sending her man (or someone else's) some "love." But can you please (at least) keep your face out of the pics when you do? That way when you inevitably see pictures of your tush in a place you never thought you would, you’ll be able to lie and deny it’s you.
Fool some of the people some of the time. Or better yet, don’t have anyone to fool and just don’t do it. Stop the sexting, please!
Demetria L. Lucas is the Relationships Editor at ESSENCE and the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: Your Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Follow her on Twitter: @abelleinbk
I agree with you about sexting pictures to men. If you cannot keep a man by being you, then there is no reason for you to be with him at all. I am tired of men thinking that women have to do everything to keep them, why not men make some kind of effort to keep a woman!!
Posted 111 days ago by michelle morrisOr, men can stop leaking them.
Posted 161 days ago by Samantha FaithMs. Lucas I could not have wrote it better girl... I too have had a lot of guys as friends who felt the need to share there escapades through photography. The worst case was a group of guy friends who used all their pics as decoration for their living room coffee table...spread out for all to see. If you think sexting ****es up a relationship, you must really like bland food. Ple***ssse Women recognize your Queendom.
Posted 226 days ago by nikkiI too will p*** on the sexting and I tell the young girls that I work with at church to do the same. Married or not I am NOT doing it you better take a pic with your memory and keep it moving lol
Posted 228 days ago by no commentOMG ...TODAY I WAS WRITING OUT MY BIO-OF MY LIFE. SO I WANTED TO TAKE AN APPROACH ON WOMEN,MOTHERS AND YOUNGER GIRLS!
Posted 231 days ago by AMBER ADAMSI'M ACTUALLY INTO PRINT AD MODELING. BUT I REALLY WANT TO KEEP THE POINT PROFESSIONAL. BUT I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN FEEL LIKE IT'S OKAY TO DOWN GRADE THERE-SELVES AS WOMEN. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE TO BE A TREND FOLLOWER. I FEEL AS A PERSON YOU MAKE YOUR ON DECISIONS AND CHOICES INLIFE. TAKE THE SHORT CUT OUT IS NOT IT LADIES! I FEEL LIKE SO MANY WOMEN DON'T DEAL WITH REALITY LOL.. FOR AN EXAMPLE BEING A VIDEO VIXEN. WHAT'S THE POINT WHEN YOU GO ON WORLD STAR *****S AND MAKE A PROFILE OF YOURSELF NAKED TO GET A JOB.. WHAT TYPE OF SIGNAL ARE U SENDING? BETTER YET HOW DO YOU GET RESPECT OR DO YOU CARE!! LOL.. IN LIFE YOU HAVE CHOICES AND TAKE A SELL OUT IS NOT IT..YOUR ONLY CHEATING YOURSELF .ONLY YOU WILL NO THE TRUTH. THE WORLD JUST LOOK AT YOU AS EASY MATERIAL! DO YOUR HOMEWORK ..DON'T LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE AND TRY IT. IT'S NOT FOR EVERYBODY SAVE YOURSELF!
This is great advice and the stone truth....but what do you have to do to get men to stop texting pictures of their "appendage"??? It amazes me how they are so willing to share these pictures completely unsolicited and unwelcomed. Especially since the favor had not been returned.
Posted 231 days ago by LoreeI never understood the point of sexting or sending naked pictures. At 29, I am proud to say that I have never sent a picture, or received one! Thank goodness for that! I had an interaction with a man that requested a picture of my feet, (due to his foot fetish) and I was horrified! Hopefully posts like this, and information about what men really do with those pictures will require women to think twice before pressing send!
Posted 231 days ago by LeCocoThis is a practice that comes with technology...and while we all have the prerogative to express out sexuality that way we want to it does have consequences especially w/ our advanced internet crazed society... I say all that to say sexuality is apart of who we are and sex is what we do...while essence is the same publication that gives weekly tips to ****e up our wkns with men...I believe the msg should be simply...Ladies just be discreet about what you do...no one can tell you what to do but how you do those things will show the difference btwn girls and women...and let's not leave out the men i've gotten my own share f****s as well...but either way being discreet and sexy is the way to go...whisper your dirty thoughts via texts if that how u like to communicate and as far as the f****s go I'm all about showing body...no face darlings...LOL Adults should being doing adult things...Mommies and Daddies talk to our children and explain the difference btwn love and sex...adult behavior is rsiky behavior and privacy makes a relationship bonds in ways we dream of....Talk about it to the children, keep it discreet and sexy, and stop pay attention to the nonsense on these blogs....
Posted 231 days ago by Shea Zephir`As a grown woman, I reserve the right to sext whom ever I choose to. I pay the bill and so thats my business. And people need to quit frontin actin like they aint never sent a racy text or pic to their man. Every man is not some horn dog that takes every opportunity to foward pics of naked women...My goodness!
Posted 231 days ago by mindchangerI TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU D. WOMEN NEED TO HAVE MORE RESPECT FOR THEMSELVES AND NOT SEND OUT THOSE CRAZY PICS. STUPID!
Posted 231 days ago by DESIREEDo we tell men not to sext their *****'? Does this only apply to single women? Or is it ok for married women to sext their hubby's? Is the author talking to teens or grown women?
Posted 231 days ago by TheRealIs this an article about self esteem or a chastisement(sp)of women who are sexually confident?
Sorry, but this post screams of **** shaming. A grown woman has a right to do whatever it is that she wants to do. Leaked pictures like Amber Rose's, doesn't make me question her actions, it makes me question the integrity (or lack of) of the person who leaked them. I do not "Sext", but I cannot knock a grown woman who does. Its her prerogative.
Posted 231 days ago by ValI've had three ex BF's ask me for sexts and I immediately shut that ish down thus the reason why they are my ex's. Their logic was more of an "I'm not getting it, so let me see it" rational. One even argued that I should be happy that he's asking me for pics "rather than some other h**."
Posted 231 days ago by TLG(And yes, I addressed the issues of him calling women h***)
Men sext as well least we not forget. They just don't get put on blast as often as women do.
I deal with a lot of teen girls who feel they "have to" do this to please a guy. My first question to them is what is the purpose of sending the pic. Ladies,we have to retain respect for ourselves and our young girls. Regardless of how anyone might try to spin it, especially for black women, you will be negatively labeled by society for naked pics in public. Whatever happened to mystery or leaving something to the imagination. Just because he asked doesn't mean you have to show all your cards. Save a little something for yourself.
Posted 231 days ago by CrystalWell, I have to admit to sending a boob shot or two, but I make sure to keep it below the neckline. As I have very distinguishing moles on my neck and a scar on my chin. I never include my face and I refuse to anything "more" revealing. You have to leave somthing to teh imagination. I never understood the whole sex video thing. My husband wanted to try it and I told him that neither him nor anyone else would EVER have visual proof of my "ahem, skills". LMAO. No, I don't want to know what we look like doing it. Also, when I was in undergrad there was a girl who was the focus of one fraternities pledge antics. Apparently the pledges were to get an unattractive girl to have sex with them and they had to provide video as proof. The video had swept through the entire campus in less than 24 hours. It didn't help that she was the daughter of one of the LR Nine. She almost had a nervous breakdown and eventually left school. That taught me oh so long ago to never get "faced out" on film.
Posted 231 days ago by Theresa K