BEEEEEEEEEEEP.... This text just in.
"PSM, I am engaged to get married. I wanted to call you and tell you, but after I told her about what happened between me and you awhile back, she asked if I would refrain from speaking to you. I rather you hear it from me than someone else...I apologize for any pain or strife I've caused you within our journey. With all the pain we experienced together, loving you made it worth it."
PAUSE ~ WOW!!! Okay, let me gather my thoughts... What am I feeling? There is no emotion. Like Jay-Z says in one of my favorite songs, "A face of stone, was shocked on the other end of the phone..." Wow, he finally did it. What was the last conversation we had about her? What had he said? How did he feel about her? How did he feel about me? How did I feel about him? Take a minute and think. PLAY ~
Oh, yes! That's it. I'm back. I remember... We were at the salon. He called me frantically, "Are you with him? Did he spend the night?" Really? Ahh, no! "It is 9:30 in the morning and I am at the salon getting my hair done. I have a date later." I was very honest with him. We've done this dance for years, so when he walked into the salon thirty minutes later, I had to laugh. I smiled, "What's up Sunshine?" He went on to grill me about my feelings for "this new dude". I tried with all I had to explain that "this new guy" was not the reason I would not give us another chance. We've done this for years and sometimes people just have too much history. "I do love you, but I cannot be with you. I do not want to be with you after all we have been through. I do not want to be in a relationship with you and your baby's mother." PAUSE ~ That chick is crazy! Literally. I refuse to spend the rest of my life in a relationship with a man who has to have a connection to her! NOPE...not me. He never really got that situation under control. He always blamed it on the circumstances. A quote (Tony Robbins) "It's your decisions, not the conditions which shape your life." He decided years ago. PLAY ~ "I do not want to give my energy to the negativity that constantly arises in our relationship. And while the good times are great, the bad times are worse. I am passed the point of giving to you. I have nothing left to give you." Let me be clear. It hurt me to say that so bluntly, but he kept assuming it was him or "the new dude" and that wasn't the case. Even if I had no other option at that point, I still would not have rekindled with him. We have an unbelievable connection, a true friendship, and a history of love and so much pain that I'm considering writing a movie about us! (I'm kidding, but you get the picture. He just might make the book though!) My faith in what is to come and the wonderful man I am going to marry and with whom I will build an amazing life allowed me to say to Sunshine without doubt, "I love you, but love isn't everything and we will never be together again."
Even with the finality of that conversation, he called me later that day and asked if we could hang out. I said no. He apologized later for coming at me so hard and promised to never do it again. Guess he was telling the truth...
He used to tell me, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do." Well, that maybe true. If that kind love was for me, I'd be writing a different blog entry and sending out save the dates! He is a good man. Loving, family oriented, God-fearing, loyal... but he is not the man for me. And so I wrote back, "Congrats, Sunshine! God is the best planner. I'm happy you're happy. All the best and thanks for telling me." I'll always care about him, but I left that out of the text. No need to tell him what we both already know.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program...
Sassy and smiling!
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