Dealing With In-Laws, Sex As A Married Couple And More! Check Out This Week's Marriage Episode Of ESSENCE Live

Check out the May 30, 2017 episode of ESSENCE's Kitchen Table Talk, where three couples shares some of the major keys that are making their marriages work. 

ESSENCE.COM May, 30, 2017
Hide Transcript
[MUSIC] Welcome to Essence Live. I'm your host, Makho Ndlovu. And on today's Kitchen Table Talk it is dedicated to real talk about marriage. From dealing with joint finances to sex. How much are you really having? To the rules around pillow talk and in-laws. Nothing is off limits. So if you're married, engaged or even single, we want you to join in on this conversation. Make sure to leave your comments using #essencelive, or you can email us at essencelive@essence.com. All right. Let's meet our guest, shall we? First off, we have cohost of The Breakfast Club, the morning show deejay MB, alongside his lovely wife Gia Casey Who is also the co-host for their podcast, the Casey Crew. Thank you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Founder and president of Africa Health Now, Nana Eyeson-Akiwowo. Yes. You did good. Good job. Good, I did good? Good, all right. And the host of the Q, which you can watch on Fox Philadelphia weekdays at noon, Quincy Harris. Yes. [APPLAUSE] Yes. I love the [UNKNOWN]. I just was trying to figure how we wanted to do it. [LAUGH] Plus we also have Chef Anthony B in the kitchen back there. He's preparing some delicious appetizers for us. I can't wait to chow down. [APPLAUSE] That's what I came for. Right, welcome to the show, everyone. Thank you so much. [LAUGH] That should note that all of today's panelists, including myself, are married with kids. Well, no, no, not me. I don't have kids yet. So you know this conversation is gonna be lit. We're gonna go all the way in. All right, let's get started. Now is your husband crazy for celebrity marriages? TI and Tiny are getting a divorce. Can you believe it? Jesse Williams and his wife are divorcing. And y'all La La and Carmelo Anthony are on the rocks. But even when you take out the celebrity factor, marriage is just tough. What do you guys think people get wrong about marriage? [LAUGH] Go ahead! Communication. Communication. Communication. Communication. I think that that is the biggest part of marriage. Once you have that nailed Then everything else kind of comes along a lot more easily. Mm-hm. But when you mess up communication, then you're just setting yourself up with a lot of hurdles. Yeah.>> Right. [CROSSTALK] Anthony, what do you think? I agree. I think communication is the key when it comes to everything, whether it's something going on in a relationship, whether it's finances. Whether it's sex. I think women get a sex drive. When they get a little older, their sex drive increases. So men have to make sure that we can match. Like this week, it was our anniversary. Happy Congratulations. Yeah, 16 years, congratulations. Thank you. So we had to have a lot of sex this weekend. [CROSSTALK] We have to have it. It's just turned out that way. [LAUGH] [LAUGH] [UNKNOWN] Now that we know about their sex life, like we know how they've kept it hot for 16 years. Yeah. What do you guys, how do people get [UNKNOWN] in their marriages? [LAUGH] I think- I'm stealing their sex life. People think it's dating, like, it's not dating. Like, once you stop being boyfriend and girlfriend, it's not going to stay the same. Exactly. Like this is, it becomes work. You have to really work at your marriage, it's not- Yeah. You can't just like mail it in. There isn't a mail in day, like okay, I'm just gonna take Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday off. Every day, you gotta check in. It is a job. It's a job. It is a job. You have to tend the love because sometimes there's kids involved. There's in-laws involved. It's not just about you any more. Right yeah, it's a job. But if you look at as as a job Then that sucks all the fun out of it. It does. But you have to go into it with a, I think, you have to go into it with an understanding that this is not to your point it's not going to be like the way it was. The flowers may or may not keep coming but that was the impetus of why you marry the man and you might be in it for the wrong reasons. If you're expecting the gifts that came when he was courting you. That sometimes die because other priorities come into play, things shift around. That's so interesting. So it's kind of like if you then get he don't check for me and ain't nobody calling me, and when I text him he don't. You know your husband got a job. Right. I mean like let's be realistic [INAUDIBLE]. [INAUDIBLE] why marriages. Should be But we do though. The ten things that we did when we dated Is the same things that we do now, whether it is flowers, whether it is [CROSSTALK] food out, whether it's checking in, whether we still go on dates. So you [CROSSTALK] better than me? I want to understand. It wasn't all 16 years. [CROSSTALK] Of course, you start going through a part of your relationship where Take somebody for granted. Yes no you don't say you took me for granted. [CROSSTALK]. Let's cal it what it is. [CROSSTALK]. don't spill T. So it was one of those things where it's your wife you be like aw she's there I can do what I want to do, she'll be there, I don't have to compliment her, we don't have to go out, we don't have to go on dates, we don;t have to do those things, we'll have sex tomorrow. Then you realize. Nah. Nah, It's not working. We are not happy. We got to go back to what made us happy. Communication, us going on dates, little things, me sticking my head out the window when we are having sex. [CROSSTALK] Things change after you get married, that it's not the same, Did things fundamentally change for you and your wife after you got married? Man, it's the same person. Over and over. She's wearing that head scarf again. [LAUGH] You know what? I'll tell you about that damn head scarf. [CROSSTALK] Wait a minute, Gary! You know that head scarf is not a problem. Hold on! So you wanna wear the brown head scarf again? I give, this Tuesday again, you're gonna keep wearing it over and over and over? Yes, because I wanna keep my hair fresh. So I think a lot of times you have to know going in that it's gonna go, it's gonna have its ebbs and flows. Exactly. It's gonna go up and down. It's like the stock market, it's not gonna stay rosey and everything is gonna be good.>> Right. I think you have to really know it. I think people think this is like this fairytale and they look at TV and they see the Bachelor and people getting married in like eight weeks and I love you and that's just going to be it. No, this is tough. You're coming in with baggage from Past relationships, your coming in with baggage from Your family. Your family. Your coming in with baggage from work, stress family. But let's talk about family, I'm so glad you brought it up. How much do you tell your family when you are going through stuff, and you and your partner have issues, do you tell them all the details? No. Nothing. You don't tell them anything? No. That's unanimous. All right why is that? Why do you think? I think, one, I don't want anybody in our business. Two, because we could be mad at each other And make up Then want to kill each other But when we make up it's my business. And then a week later we're happy, holding hands, loving each other. So I don't wanna put My family in that process of being in the middle of, well, they're beefing. Should I talk again? Or should I talk to [UNKNOWN]. It's the same thing with the kids. We kind of keep them away from all of this. And what also happens is, when you bring your mother, your sister, your aunt, into your family beef. He just called me a this, or he just did this, he just did that, they get offended. They get offended. And they get well into it. And they create a bigger It almost like it becomes what started off as a little old issue has now escalated into this whole family risk. Exactly I see you not in [CROSSTALK] And here's another thing. I'm married to Africans, we is not getting them involved. My wife, I shouldn't say this, but my wife. Careful now we don't want to get you in trouble. [CROSSTALK] Let's do it. My wife's mom, right? I'm not her dad, they broke up. Don't bring that baggage into my relationship. Early on in our relationship it's like she go tell her mom and her mon's like yeah, Quincy just like your dad. No I'm not No I'm not. Don't do that. And then people bring in other baggage from their experiences. I don't need to know what happened in your life, cuz I'm not the same thing. I'm not the same person. So has that changed with your wife- Hell yeah. So this is something that you're still currently going through? No. See, I don't even talk to my mother-in-law. That's a whole another story. Wow. We keep it- That's how you fix that problem. I'm just not talking to you. We're gonna fix this problem. Shut this whole thing down. Don't come over. Is that the biggest sacrifice that you've made in your marriage? Not talking to your mother-in-law? No, I mean, when I say I talk to her, I see her I'm like Hi. [INAUDIBLE] What's up. Because If I get too nice then she starts getting crazy and I've been burned too many times so I stay away from her. And it's cool it's made our relationship better, me and my wife. Have you [CROSSTALK] speaking of what she said what's the biggest hell that you've taken in your marriage or biggest sacrifice rather let's not. the biggest sacrifice, I would say would be the fact that I didn't chase my career when I graduated from college.>> What did you want to do?>> I have a communications degree so I was going to go into maybe hosting or anchoring or something like that. That's always been Right. The lane I wanted to take. But when we graduated, there was only about a year in between that time that we spent before we got married. So we got married right away. We had our first child that same year. Right away. And he wanted an at home wife. Wow. And we butted heads about it constantly throughout the years because I always wanted to chase my career and it's not really what he wanted. And the reason was is at the time I was DJing and I was starting to get successful, so money was starting to come in. And we didn't live in Queens. We lived in Jersey, which was far out. And for her to have a career and for me to have a career, we would both have to work in Manhattan. Which means a nanny would've have to raise our child. And that was more important. I've seen so many kids where a nanny raises the child and the kid has no respect, and the kid has no this. And I wanted Our children to have a mom there a solid foundation. Yeah.>> And we had five kids it worked out well. Cool>> [CROSSTALK] And look at how life works out. Alright so this one smells good. Five? Five. Five. We are going to come back to that. Chef, what you got cooking over there? [CROSSTALK] It smells absolutely amazing. I am so hungry you all. [UNKNOWN] Yes [UNKNOWN] All right. spinach. Ooh. Well cajun-flavored spinach quesedilla. Mm-hm. Try it it's dipped with a little bit of four cheese On the outside, with the spinach on the inside. I also have a mango [UNKNOWN] chutney sauce, sorta complement the flavor. Now coming up, not only are we digging into these yummy appetizers, but we're gonna get into the F word and marriages, finances. Now keep sending us your comments using #EssenceLive. More of Essence Lives' Kitchen Table Talk is up next. Hey, I'm Roy Wood Jr. Catch me at the 2017 Essence Festival, presented by Coca Cola. I will be your host for three nights of amazing performances from some of the biggest names in music. Go to essencefestival.com to see the nightly Lineup and to purchase your tickets for the Essence Concert Series at the Superdome. Also, be sure to download the Essence Fest App to register for all the free events during the day at the Convention Center. See you in the Bayou and as they say in New Orleans, Etouffee Crawfish Hey there you're tuned in to Essence Life Kitchen Table Talk. I'm your host Makho Nolovu and in today's conversation we're spilling all the tea on marriage. And joining me at the table are the cohost of the Breakfast Club Morning Show and cohost of the Casey Crew Podcast, DJ Envy and his lovely wife Gia Casey is also with us. She is also the cohost of the Casey Crew Podcast. And founder and president of Africa Health Now, Nana Eyeson Akiwowo. Good job. Who's been married for eight years. Eight years. And we also have the host of Philadelphia's The Q talk show, Quincy Harris who has been married for eight years as well. And Chef Anthony B, he's back there, he's hooking us up with some yummy eats. Hey, Chef Anthony. Plus we can't forget about you all that are watching. You have already made some really, really good comments on your social media pages, so keep them coming. Use the hashtag Essencelive, or you can email us at essencelive@essence.com. All right y'all. Money is one of the biggest reasons people get divorced, so let's jump right in. Let's jump right in. In a marriage, what works best? Having a joint checking account, Or keeping things separate? A little bit of both. Okay. I think, in our marriage, we each have our individual accounts and then we have a pot, the mutual family pot that we put in. And so, we can each say that we pay a bill or pay something, but I also think that we don't, in our marriage, Ike and I don't tit for tat. So it's not like I bought this so you can buy that or you didn't do this. So it's just kind of like can we afford it. Especially if it's a big item and friends used to make fun of me when we first got married and I would text him. You'd be at the Louise Vutton samples sale and you're like can I do it. They were like you got to ask your man. I'm like mind your business single girl. Single girl no husband mind your business. Yes. Yes. Because I'm about to make a big purchase. It's over $300, so that may impact something that I wasn't aware of that he has in the pipeline. So I'm just letting him know whether this comes from my account, his account. Account, I'm about to make a large purchase. You good? I'm good. It's not in a "Can you do it?" or a "Am I allowed to?" It's about respect. It's about respecting the finances. Because if you go into your account and a thousand dollars is gone on a Tuesday, for some shoes, you might Feel some sort of way. Catch an out. Yeah. You could have called me. How do you guys think of that? Well for us, I think The way my parents raised, they put everything in a pot. There was no account, there was no left account, right account, and that's what we do. Before I started Gia was making all the money and it was just one account. And we'd go into that account and we'd take the bad thing about our marriage in We, us together, is we think the same as far as finances are concerned. If there's something we want to buy- You gonna buy it. We gonna buy it. It's not like that one person's like, babe, maybe we shouldn't. [CROSSTALK] It's not that at all. She just like, babe, this car came out. And she's like, well baby, you work hard. [CROSSTALK] [LAUGH] And it's the same thing, something that she wants, I be like Well, babe, I mean you're running around all the time with the kids. You hold the house down. And that's how we are. We never say no that's the problem. We just never say no. But regarding what you said, I think that a couple has to figure out what's best for them. There is no right way or wrong way. For us, everything goes into one pot, and everything comes out of one pot. Like you, we don't ask for permission but we are respectful. And similar in what you said. Yeah. About if something is over $300, he'll call me, Babe, there's this pair of jeans that I like, here's a picture, what do you think? What do you think? So at least, I feel as though I'm involved in the process- But I do feel like a sucker, I'm not gonna lie. If I'm with my friends and I be like hold on, hold on. People try to- That's the hard thing. [CROSSTALK] We have three pots. It's the joint, and then our separate. But my wife is so frugal, she doesn't really buy anything. I have to push her to go out and- Same thing with [UNKNOWN] yes. She's not Going out, buying anything, I have to force her to do that. And then sometimes, I wanna buy this really expensive bicycle and I was with my boy, and I was like, I'm gonna just get that bike. And I went home all the way, I'm sorry. I got a bite. Yeah, I'm probably, I got a- [LAUGH] But so, it's a respect that I definitely have for him, cuz my wife does not- So your wife is frugal. My gosh. So did you ask her about her credit before you guys got married, or? Cuz I'm assuming cuz she's frugal, she saves money, so she got good credit. So did you ask her about it? No. I didn't, but But we were living together before we got married, so I already knew everything. She knew my credit, I knew her credit. She had the best credit before I came around. Came around, buying bikes. [LAUGH] Buying bikes. We built it back up. But yeah. We knew everything. We were living together for four years. A lot. Before we got married. But, does it matter to you guys if your significant other has bad credit, [CROSSTALK] Loans? Absolutely! Yes! Really? Yes, when you marry them, you marry their credit. You marry everything. And you take on all of their debt. And you have to know if someone makes poor financial decisions, can't pay a bill on time, or likes to buy something and then bounce a check. That has a lot to do with the marriage and- And puts strain on it. Yes, absolutely. Will put a lot of strain on it, yes. So do you monitor your spouse's spending limit. If they spend, since you guys kind of spend freely, does it matter if [UNKNOWN] goes and buys that million dollar car that came out? Do you mind what [UNKNOWN] does or? Well the crazy thing about our relationship, and a lot of people don't know, is I buy Gia most of her stuff. I tell everybody I'm her stylist. I'd say I'm her gay stylist, because [UNKNOWN] [LAUGH] I'd go get her shoes. I know the size, I know a bag she has, I know the colors. I'm talking to the- He knows all the hot stuff that's going on. [UNKNOWN] before. I'm like babe, you gotta get those shoes. They look better, they come in pink and purple. I think the pink will look good on you. But they fit on those [UNKNOWN] you gotta get- [LAUGH] [UNKNOWN] Everything. [CROSSTALK] I'm going to text you my husband's number and you just talk him through that process if you don't mind. You got it. While we're still on the subject of finances. So you're the breadwinner in your relationship. Does the primary breadwinner get to make all the decisions? Hell no. [CROSSTALK] We're all bread winners. I think in a relationship even in a stay at home space. You're still, everyone's a breadwinner. Everyone contributes to how this family function. And so I think the only thing my mother told me growing up. Was just in terms of cuz again in African culture marriages the woman is the neck. The man is the head. You know your role navigate. You're in control and without a neck you're just a head on the floor. So she's like play a position in a way that you can let someone else feel like your husband, on the outside, I would never go outside and emasculate my husband about money or emasculate him in any scenario I can go home and discuss it, we can talk about it and he would also never try to play me in the street and be like, be quiet, you don't make no money. Like that's not gonna work.>>You can't be married with that mentality. That sort of mentality is the whole idea of submission, right? Do you think about submission like women should submit to their husbands? Is that something that? Even if I thought it I wouldn't say it. You wouldn't say it. Guys, [CROSSTALK] when you're in a relationship, it's a partnership. I don't care if you make a million dollars, I make a dollar. If you have kids, you're building a a future with somebody The one thing people forget about, a marriage is part of a family tree. So for me, I'm not even thinking about, we're thinking about us, but we're trying to set up our great, great, great, grandkids. Creating legacy. To do so many great, different things. So it's not about I make the money in the house, and you don't do that, and I do this. If you start picking it apart yeah. It will never work, it'll never last. Not only that, we have children so I want my daughters to know what it is. Like you said it's a partnership. It ain't you better do this or else, no it's not that at all. And if it was I mean I remember my wife is strong. We play wrestle and one day I had to tap out. [Cross Talking] I don't play wrestle no more. If she wants to play wrestle I'm going to two piece her because one time she had me in a headlock one time. I almost cried. Like, I almost died. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe but, But we share everything in a relationship. Everything is a partnership and I want my daughters to know that as well. You don't have to submit to anybody. It's a partnership. You come into a relationship together and you leave together. Right, I love that. Yeah, go ahead. But people have to realize, and I think most housewives especially Understand what I'm about to say. He might make the financial bread, but I make the grocery bread. Mm-hm. There's two different jobs in a household. He goes out, he works hard, he comes home, his eyes are blood shot. But I'm at home with the children I'm rearing them, I'm teaching them, I'm setting examples, I'm at soccer, I'm at basketball, I'm at swimming, dance, gymnastics. I'm running around, I'm doing a job. A job, exactly. Yeah. That, if I were working, and I had to pay somebody else to do that, there's a monetary value to that. That's my income, yeah. Shout out to all the stay-at-home moms, they're so underappreciated. Listen, and these guys out there that Under value, a stay at home mom. Don't do it. Or the things that a wife and a mother have to put up with. Hey. Yeah. Let me ask you a question. [CROSSTALK] Would you rather get up and go to work at seven o'clock in the morning, or stay home with those kids? I would leave the house at 5 AM. Yes, [CROSSTALK] We're gonna dive right in. I want you to hold that thought, whatever you have, hold it. Now we're going to talk about what happens between the sheets with our panelists. I know we're about to bring it. We're talking about intimacy and sex, [CROSSTALK] [LAUGH] but I still want to hear from you. You're doing it now. Post you comments using the hashtag essence live. Now we'll be back with more essence lives kitchen table talk next. We'll talk about [MUSIC] Hi, it's Joiee, your fashion editor at Essence Magazine. And I'm gonna show you that all you need is a reworked shirt and your favorite pair of jeans for spring. [MUSIC] I love this one shoulder shirt because all you have to do is tie it on and you're good to go. [MUSIC] Clearly I'm meant to stripe this season and this top is the perfect addition to your work wear. [MUSIC] Bose elevates Anything, and I fell in love with the drama of this top. [MUSIC] I am just hearing my own music? [MUSIC] Go bold this spring with a reworked top and your favorite jean. And you're good. [MUSIC] Hey hey hey! Welcome back to Essence Live. I'm your host, Makho Ndlovu, and today's Kitchen Table Top conversation is all about marriage. Today's My special guests are all married. They are hosts of the KC Podcast, DJ Envy and his wife, Gia Casey. Hey, all! Hello. President and founder of Africa Health Now, Nana Eyeson-Akiwowo. And Quincy Harris, he's the host of Fox Philadelphia's The Q talk show. And we're not married. [LAUGH] We're not married. [CROSSTALK] I was feeling that way, too, when they said eight years- Right? Yes. Obviously, we're not married together. Thanks for the clarification. Nice lady, but- Nice man, but- Yeah, my wife's at home. [LAUGH] And shout-out to Chef Anthony B, y'all, this table. Chef Anthony B, who's back there preparing some delicious food for us. We can't wait. Now remember to keep chiming in on this discussion. Use the hashtag #ESSENCELIVE, or you can email us at ESSENCELIVE@ESSENCE. COM. All right panelists, this is it. Let's talk about sex. [LAUGH] How does sex get better, the same, or boring after marriage? Everybody? Everybody got- [CROSSTALK] We have five kids and I think for us we just try to keep it spicy so we try to do things outlandish. We try to, I mean, not to sound crazy, she's my everything. So she is my wife. She'll turn into my ****, [UNKNOWN]. Awesome, awesome. It is what it is. She's, everything we want to do in bed we do, I've been a cowboy. [LAUGH] I've been Barack Obama, I've been a police officer. [LAUGH] One time I was Maxwell. Did you have some hair? I had the fro and everything. [LAUGH] [LAUGH] Look, okay? I've been married for sixteen years. Sixteen years. Okay? We've been together twenty-three. So- It happens. They've been through a lot of ups and downs- Yeah. Before they got to the point where they're like, okay, I'ma put the wig on and I'm gonna be [UNKNOWN]. [LAUGH] Right? I feel you, I know where' you're going. I know exactly where you're going. Like, Envy, help me out here? It wasn't like the first eight years, you were like- Or maybe you were. You're putting the Maxwell wig on. Did it come to a point where you're like- Maxwell was about seven years in. Max was about what, when we were in college, I was Maxwell. [UNKNOWN] I was also a cowboy in college. >Oh, okay. They grew up together. [LAUGH] But the point is not really the wig, right? It's the whole notion of keeping things feisty. Yeah. Not It can't be missionary all the time. Another thing we didn't talk about. We talked about communication, well we have to talk about honesty. You have to be honest with your partner. Hey, it's getting kind of boring. What's going on? What's good. Well you won't use those words though. You won't say boring. Do you see what I mean? You can't use that word. You can't use those words. Yes, You're right. [INAUDIBLE] what would you say? Like. He used those words. He does. Yeah, he used those words. Instead of this guy going into [INAUDIBLE] box, you would make suggestions of things you would like to do, things you would like to see her in, places that you'd like to go, things that you'd like to try. Hey let's watch a porno together. I thought about this. Are you down? You make it fun and exciting. But you throw an adjective in there. You would never say boring. Don't say boring. Don't say that. It's just bad. No, no, you can't say that. And then she's working off an insecurity. Exactly. Wow, maybe I'm [INAUDIBLE] I wonder what other girls are doing. Now she's comparing herself- Maybe he's tired of my body. My gosh I have these dog ears and this muffin top and I had three kids and now my boobs are down to here. What was that? Dog ears? Dog ears. Yeah I'm sorry dog ears. I have them I didn't know what they were called. But now when you start working with someone who's insecure that's a whole other beast because now you have A bunch of other problems that you're introducing into the situation. Now you have a not so great sex life and an insecure wife. You have to handle your partner with kid gloves, and take care of not just them but their emotions. Cuz when someone else is happy, they want to make you happy. We don't even have to talk about the same cards, like you just hit it on the nail. That was it right there. One of the things that we love about you guys is, you've been very open about your struggles with infidelity and stuff that, sort of, went on in your marriage. How do you get over that? How do you rebuild as a couple after going through something [INAUDIBLE] G-O-D. God, absolutely. God. I mean, I think our fair has everything to do with it. Everything to do, 100%. I'm not going to say I wasn't into church and God before, but when that incident happened, it opened our eyes as a family, not just me and my wife, but our family, to the point where we pray every morning before I go to work. At 5 AM in the morning, I wake up everybody, and we pray. When I come home, before we go to sleep, we pray. Everything in our family is based on our faith now. And as a man, I made stupid decisions and luckily, we were able to get over those decisions but we were able to get over it because of our faith, because of I think, God putting people in our lives that really changed our lives. There was Gia's best friend who's A preacher, or it was Tyreece who came into our life, who I really didn't even know. That just happened to call me. Has he given you good advice? [UNKNOWN] Not only did Tyreece give me good advice, Tyreece heard me on the radio and heard the pain that I was going through when we were going through that time. And I didn't know him, he called, and he became kind of like our counselor. Wow. Where he would call my wife. He would come and. I mean, he sang for my wife one time. Was that hard because he wasn't married at the time, correct? No, it wasn't hard. Tyrese was so genuine, and he was trying to, as much as he was. Dog at that time, he was making me a better man and making our relationship a better relationship. Wow. But you, I wanna hear from you. What constitutes cheating on social media? Does it have to be enterprising? Anything, I think anything you would keep from your significant others. You gotta really be careful. Like anything you So double lifing too much. That's too much. That's too much yeah. And you know what, and I also think that It goes back to trust. There's certain levels of trust and common sense. It's kind of like I think my husband knows the difference between the social media personality and what is a real thing. It's kind of like if you think back to think like a man at 80, 20 is that what you're gonna do? And if you are going to do that then I don't know. It's a hard, it's a tug. It's very tough. It's 80-20. It's every relationship is not a 50-50, it's 80%, 20%. And you might be looking at your 20% today, and looking at this girl who's got the small body and the big booty. And she could be that 80, until you get there and you realize she can't do anything. Right, right. But the thing with our relationship is like- Or like that. Even with our phones, like yesterday I'm sleeping And I put something on Instagram, and my grammar wasn't right. When I wake up Jay is on my phone like, you got to fix your grammar baby. [LAUGH] [INAUDIBLE] I went to edit, like it's a difference between a, an. She, goes into my phone. It's part of like. And I have your pass code. And the craziest thing, they talked about social media. 20 years ago I wouldnt have had to tell our kids. Because they never would hae found out. But we had to tell our kids ahead of time. And when we told our kids. What was the first thing our kids said? When we told them what? About the infidelity. Hm. What did he say? What did he say, Okay. What did he say. [LAUGH} He said. We're waiting. He said dad how did you get caught? That's what he said. Dad, how did you get caught? That was my, excuse me, that was my son's reaction. [CROSSTALK] .How did you get caught? And how did you get caught? Well, now we want to know. I mean. Social media and a bluff. She bluffed and said she knew something I thought she knew so I wound up telling on myself, but she really didn't- She didn't have a clue. No. I'm a good bluffer. Too bad for me. What a good bluffer. But anyways, it was great because it actually and I hate to say it, but it's made our relationship stronger. My gosh. We are so closer, we are, I didn't think we could actually be closer, but we're on like On another level. We see eye-to-eye on everything and if we don't we just hash it out keep it moving. It's crazy because before I found out there were no red flags. Like he was very good. And he treated me like a queen even then I had everything that I wanted. He was affectionate, sweet, complimentary. He did everything he was supposed to do and then A little bit of common sense kicked in one particular area, and I was like a dog with a bone. But since I found out and God became part of our relationship and part of our marriage and we put him first and everything follows behind that. Just like he said. I could never have imagined being as happy as I am now. And I thought I was happy before. The degree to which that I'm happy right now, I couldn't have imagined it. I never could have imagined that connection with another person, so it was really like a gift and a curse. For us it had to happen in our relationship. Right. I wanna talk to you guys about open marriages. Cube. Yeah, yeah. I'm to you first because your face is like. I just wanna know what does that? Define what that means? I don't wanna act like I know. All right so let me tell you what that means. So there was a piece in the New York Times, a magazine that recently was all about couples who choose to have open marriages. A lot of them had already been married for some time. So is that something that you think is normal or? No. With open meaning I can date other people? Yeah, I date other people, you date other people, but we're married. We still stay together. That's not what marriage is. If I give you 100%, right, then my relationship will grow to another level that I won't DOn't even know. If I gotta give this person this energy. This person this energy. I'm taking away from my kids, I'm doing a bunch of different stuff that I need to use that energy for something else. Not only that, I'm too insecure for that. How about that? How about I can't another guy with my wife. [CROSSTALK] I've never even went to that side. [CROSSTALK] You aint even thought that far. [CROSSTALK] His security is really the problem, not that you're just morally against it? I got to worry about, Is his thing bigger than mine? Is he laying it down better than me? Is he, no, no. [INAUDIBLE] Hell no. [INAUDIBLE] not off the table? No, no, I mean it's off the table, it's gone. [SOUND] out of here. What about even. This is all hypothetical cause we have a lot of conversations just for fun. I'm sure. I'm like what about just me and another female? And he's like no. I don't want to think about you with another female, what she might be doing. And I'm like what? [LAUGH] All of this sex talk has oddly gotten me hungry. So. Chef Anthony, that's an aphrodisiac. That's the way to my heart, and my stomach too. Bring it, chef. What do you have for us? This looks so good. My gosh. That is cute. Definitely a problem, but this is my date night special. It's a jerk shrimp taco, essentially. So it has a Cajun spice. With the mango tamarind chutney sauce we had earlier with the quesadilla. Lovely. Mildly, it's mild not on the spicy side with a nice sweet and savory kick to it. This looks Scrumptious. I'm like, legit about to eat. You guys, dig in, go in. [INAUDIBLE] Please eat, don't even be shy. Just go ahead and eat. So, we're about to wrap up, but before we do I have a fun question for you all. We talked about celebrity couples who are splitting up so now you get to vote on one. Instead of one's got to go, we're going to play one's got to stay. That's the game we're going to play. [LAUGH] Which celebrity couple do you think should get back together? Mary J. Blige and Kendu Isaacs? TI and Tiny, Janet Jackson and that billionaire Wissam Al Mana or LaLa and Carmelo Anthony. All right, I'm gonna start with you guys. Who gotta stay together? Okay, Let's go [UNKNOWN], let's go. Is between, TI and Tiny. I love them cuz they've been together for a long time. A la la and Carmelo. Tia and Tiny? Tia and Tiny. because they have been together far Not because they have been together for a long time. I think that, the problems I can see, that I assuming, based on what I see on social media et cetera I think are relatively fixable with some attitude adjustments and A little bit of maybe mentoring or soul searching. They need you guys to mentor them. [LAUGH] That's what's missing. You need to call T.I. Because I think I agree, I agree with that. And I think it's T-I Tiny. I think they can fix it. Yeah, It's T-I in Tiny as well because they little have kids. You're gonna be in each other's lives a lot. And you're gonna be around each other at the baseball game, at the dance recital, around the holidays, your birthday, his birthday, [UNKNOWN] is gonna be around. Just get back together stop, just stop the kids are to small. Can I say something about that though. I don't believe in staying in a marriage because of the kids. I think primarily the husband and the wife have to be happy. Together and let that love spill over into the children. I think you have more times to connect when the kids are smaller, because you're like I like you again. Right. [INAUDIBLE] I cannot make a connection to save my life, my baby keep walking into the room This is... Go ahead, y'all keep going. [UNKNOWN] We gotta, you know what we have to talk about? It seems like it's a unanimous decision that we want T.I. and Tiny to stay together? Yes. But you do remember that whole comment of T.I. saying that his marriage was kind of a distraction. We're rooting for them but is he rooting for himself? Like I mean I don't get the distraction thing. I mean cuz they were together so long and they was together when she was popping and he wasn't. She made the money, right. So she made the money at the time and he was still working but wasn't as successful as her. But the whole marriage distraction thing, I don't get it. Marriage is more important and that relationship is more important than any job, any dollar sign and any check, than anything out there. So the priority should be the marriage and maybe his work is the distraction. He might need to take some time off work and focus on family.>> Tell it. I feel like we're rooting for Tia and Tiny more than they are for themselves. Before we go, I want to remind you about our hashtag Essence live contest. Where we are giving away tickets to Essence's festival. Alright, here's how it works. Post a public video to Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram of yourself singing or rapping about Essence Live. And make it fun, make it creative and the winner gets two tickets to Essence Festival. However, there are some rules. You must be 19 years of age or older, travel and hotel are not included Your song or wrap must be original. It can't have won any awards or been published anywhere. And y'all, no profanity, nudity, or vile image, or language. Once again You have to do an original video of yourself singing or rapping about Essence Live and then post the video publicly to Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram using the hashtag #EssenceLive. You got it? Pretty simple, right? That's #EssenceLiveContest. Good luck, you all. Well everyone. That wraps our edition of Essence Live's Kitchen Table Talk, Real Talk About Marriage. All thank you to DJ Envy and Gia Casey and Nana Ayason Okiwawa and Quincy Harris for joining me and of course your streaming us on essencelive.com and Facebook, but if you missed any of today's show, you can catch the replays shortly on essence.com or see all our videos on our YouTube page. And tune in next week for an all-new Essence Live. I'm Makho Ndlovu, and thank you so much for watching. [MUSIC]