“Hold up… y’all fake it?!” I asked.
If I were talking to a small group of women that night at the bar, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Up to 67 percent of women have, according to some studies, faked an orgasm.
But this time I was talking to a group of guys, who unanimously agreed that yes, yes, yes, ladies, men fake it too! Later, I would include this question in an ESSENCE survey, and 37% of respondents admitted they did.
However, standing in that Brooklyn nightspot for my bestie’s birthday party, I was clueless. I wondered what would cause a man to pretend to have an orgasm. I mean they go through so much to get sex — spending money and time, spitting “game,” hunting — shouldn’t they want to enjoy the act for as long as possible?
Usually yes, but sometimes no.
“Sex can be that bad?” I asked.
They were baffled that I thought it was all good.
“So what makes it bad?” Why, oh why, did I ask that?
“Dryness,” one blurted. “If there are no… juices and berries, you can start fires, especially with all the friction.”
(Quick solve: lube.)
“She lays there like a log,” announced another. “I have been so bored sometimes, I would do anything to get it over with.” He added that faking it was a last resort measure, only done when “thinking about another woman doesn’t really do the job.”
From another gentleman: “”It was after multiple acts during the course of the night. She took it personal if I didn’t ‘finish’ each and every time we did something. I was sleepy, it was six in the morning, so I faked so I could go to sleep.”
“Bad rhythm,” the other one said.
He added that some women weren’t good at moving their bodies. He stressed that good sex wasn’t just about repeating the same motion over and over, but about “hitting different angles.”
Eventually, I would end up polling my Male Mind Squad about my newfound discovery (the complete story about this is in my book, “A Belle in Brooklyn”). They are a group of 20 (or so) mostly single, educated, and articulate Black men. (Women can philosophize about why men do what men do all day, but the best — and quickest way to find out what men are thinking is to just ask them.)
Also on men’s lists for reasons they fake? Unresponsiveness.
“I had a girlfriend who was utterly silent throughout the entire experience,” one guy told me. “A man wants to hear from his woman that he’s doing a good job. Any absence of feedback is pretty bad.”
“Women who call me Daddy and other cliché corny terms,” a man explained.
Lack of feeling.
“If there’s no emotional connection, you either feel empty inside or like you’re raping someone,” another Brotha said.
Are you surprised by the reasons men fake? And hold up, do you think a guy’s ever faked on you?
Demetria L. Lucas is the Relationships Editor at ESSENCE and the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: Your Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Ask her your dating and relationship questions on Formspring.me/abelleinbk