Go Ahead and Free Yourself...Please!

Fantasia is singing in my head and I am singing  out loud… PAUSE – I can hold a pretty nice note!? PLAY–

PAUSE – Sing Fantasia. PLAY: “If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me… Go ahead and free yourself…”   I called ol’ boy… I humbled myself, apologized for my actions, and even asked to see him.  It’s been a little over two weeks and we’ve not had a face to face. I can be honest with you (my dear friends in my head) and let you know that I am truly taken aback with my emotions.  It took me a minute to really understand what emotions I was/am experiencing.  PAUSE – I have one word for you… THERAPY. It has changed my life!  I know so many women (especially my women of color) who think they are only supposed to go to therapy when something is wrong or something tragic has happened.  You would be surprise if you knew just how much what we consider “everyday life” really does impact our mental and your ability to clearly process and decipher. Years ago, my “ain’t no body like her on this earth, I will never love another like I love her, God favored me with the relationship I have with her and the love I receive from her” Mother made me go.  And to this day I am grateful and still going.  I’ve fallen off periodically from time to time, but for the last 2 years, I have been going weekly and I am very happy that I have my therapist in my life. PLAY – Would you believe I actually cried?! A few times… I cried over this man who I have only known for a little over three months.  And you know what? I am okay with that.  I was frustrated with what I viewed as a failed attempt to simply tell him I was hurt and that the only reason he hurt me was because I genuinely liked him.  I was angry with myself for not having control over my emotions or my reaction to my emotions.  I was let down by his unforgiving nature.  I was hurt because I hurt him.  I am pissed that he is not the man I wanted him to be.  The man he led me to believe he was. A man, patient enough to tell me in a previous conversation “Its okay…these are just the things that we will learn about each other along the way.” And   ”My profession has helped me understand that different people have different trigger points and I would never judge you for your actions, but rather wait for an explanation.” I mean doesn’t he sound understanding to you?! I wanted him to be compassionate enough to go deeper than my blow up and grow with me as we get to the root of what was really bothering me…  OKAY!  I am boring myself!  You get the picture.  The great Jill Scott says it best, “Thought it was, but it wasn’t…desperate and dazed…caught up in the maze.” Exhale…REALITY CHECK!!! And just like that… with this very keystroke, I’ve eased the knot that I had in my throat all day today. PAUSE – So, I am leaving stuff out.  I spoke to him yesterday.  Yeah, he still calls, but with no follow through.  To say what? Only he knows.  Yesterday, I suggested we speak in person because at this point I’ve grown tired of the phone. He threw my “blow up/lashing out” in my face.  Quoting the things I said; proving just how much I really did hurt him and how disrespected he felt. I figured both of us were owed a real convo. This man (of many words with no value) said he would call this morning to confirm a meeting time for this evening.  It’s 5:32 PM EST and I’ve not heard from him. Sing Fantasia “Won’t you be a man if it’s over and just admit that things ain’t the same. Instead of making me think it’s all good. Between us which one’s to blame?” PLAY - I am done.  It happens.  It comes at the damnedest moments. You figure it out…  His reaction to me is not about ME.  How he responded to me is based on him and who he is and the life experiences he’s had and who he wants and what he deems appropriate and on and on.  There is nothing I can do (as I mentioned in a previous entry) to make him feel differently about it. Why would I want to?  I’m not in the business of trying to change a man.  And as I analyze this, I recognize that repeatedly wanting to explain myself to him was an attempt to change his feelings; to rationalize why he should not be upset and why he should understand that…”I really do like you (whining in a pathetic, little girl voice) and if you just give us a chance we could be really great together because I really am a great person outside of the fact that I have trust issues and moving past the fact that I am super passionate when I speak and when I am hurt or angry I may be viewed as aggressive and I am extremely loyal and I am nurturing, but I need to be nurtured and blah, blah, blah…” WTF?!?! I am a woman damn it!  I am ME!  I am PSM.  Take it or leave it… And if you leave it… Leave it… Don’t keep calling to keep the doors open for when you get your mind right.  I won’t answer once my mind is made up! PAUSE- You better SING THAT Fantasia!!!!!!! PLAY –

Brushing my shoulder off… To read more chronicles about love, life and living it up from Plus Size Model in the City, click here.  Read More:

• Plus Size Mode in the City: Overly Expressive
• What Are You “Entitled” To In Love
• Get Sexy For Spring