"I think the fear of words is something that came about and increased with life’s lessons," writes Plus Size Model.
I’ve sat down on several occasions to write and… nothing. I’ve had little snippets of thoughts that I wanted to share, but it really wasn’t enough for a full entry. So today I searched Spotify for one of the greatest, Tracy Chapman, hit play and zoned out; desperate for inspiration. Truth is Tracy Chapman’s music—her voice and that acoustic guitar—has centered me since I was a young girl. I’ve always been an introspective person… in love with words and their impact. And fearful… of words and their impact.
I think the fear of words is something that came about and increased with life’s lessons. Before I truly understood disappointment and heartache, I was in a committed love affair with words and all things expressive. But you can understand how I grew weary of words and all their beauty after being exposed to betrayal, hurt and empty promises, right?
As I mature, I realize the importance of staying in the moment and being honest and present with my thoughts and words. I have been a pretty honest person when it comes to matters of the heart. I don’t take honesty and love lightly. I am also very loyal. For a long time, I wanted to tell a man I loved him and be certain that I would love him forever. And I would still like that to be true. Life has taught me, that people change and when they do so do their feelings. ~PAUSE~ I remember like it was yesterday the day that Mr. Fits Right (My long time followers know that name. For you new-bees, he is an ex-boyfriend with whom I was very much in love) and I had a conversation about our recent break-up. I was puzzled by his inability to continue to try after he had convinced me he would try forever. I dropped my guards and fell deeply in love. And when I questioned his previous words, he responded… “I meant every word when I said it. I don’t feel that way right now. I can’t do it.” Years later, conversations later, hours of reexamining everything I did and did not do later, I understand the “whys” behind his exit and the personal pressures he was under and the choice he made. That does not change the soul shaking sting I experience when he said, “I don’t feel that way right now.” Nor does it change the joy and passion I felt when he first told me, “You are everything. I don’t need anything else. I don’t want anything else.” I was present in both moments which allowed me to feel every emotion at that time. ~PLAY~
As I type, I realize I’ve developed a desire to write with certainty too. Which really isn’t realistic or fair for my love of expression. Our feelings change daily, moment to moment and we should really accept each one as it comes. How you feel is all yours. Own it and do not apologize for it. But please work to understand your feelings and emotions. I believe that is most important.
Swimming in feelings and a bunch of emotions that I’ll be back with…
Drop me a line if you’d like: PlusSizeModel2010@gmail.com
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