On His Mind: Dating White, Marrying Black

Let me start with the answers to the questions I know you want to ask: No, I don’t hate the skin I’m in. And no, I don’t believe White women are more attractive than Black women. Yes, I’m fully aware of the precarious state of the Black nuclear family. So I understand completely why as a Black man who is single, college-educated, childless, heterosexual and financially successful, my dating outside the race makes more than a few sisters’ blood pressure rise.

Actually, I’m very attracted to Black women. I love the soft curve in the small of their backs, their shapely figures, their scents-everything. My dream girl looks more like Stacey Dash than Paris Hilton. But I only date White women right now because they happen to be in my social circle. 

Looking back, I can see how my course in life led me to date mostly White women. I was born and raised in Stamford, a predominantly White town in southern Connecticut. In high school I excelled at baseball, playing with White teammates who became my close friends. I hoped baseball would lead to a full academic scholarship, so I did not have any time for serious relationships. And my hard work landed me at Boston College on a campus where, unfortunately, young people of color account for only about 3 percent of the student population.

Like any college athlete, I had flings with more than my fair share of groupies. I didn’t see too many sisters sitting in the broiling sun waiting for a brother to finish up the extra innings. So after the games I would end up hanging out with a bunch of White girls who would compliment me on my performance and invite me to a party or over to their dorm. It all happened so naturally.

Since graduating, I’ve stayed in Boston, and I continue to work hard. But on weekends, when my boys and I decide to go out to local bars to meet some interesting ladies, the women there are predominantly White, Asian or Hispanic. And with the kind of hours I work, the thought of driving 30 minutes across Boston to find clubs where there are Black women is simply aggravating. Here’s the bottom line: Dating outside my race has very little to do with preference and everything to do with proximity.

But let me be clear: This won’t last forever. I don’t want it to. I’ve spent more than 15 years casually dating White women, and that’s enough. In the next chapter of my life, creating a strong Black family will be my priority. I wasn’t raised in a two-parent household, but I eventually hope to break that cycle by using the strong moral and ethical tools my mother lovingly instilled in my brother and me. I really want to hook it up like the Huxtables and provide my children with two amazing African-American parents to emulate.

Black women possess beauty and a unique inner strength that I truly admire. They’re not going to fall apart when the you-know-what hits the fan. That’s the kind of woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. When I sit down with my wife to talk about our future, I really don’t want to waste time working out issues of race.

So next year I’m planning to move to the New York City area because the scene here in Boston is tired. Once I get to New York, I’ll seek only intelligent and motivated sisters. Unlike the women I date now, the woman I’ll be looking for will be a life partner who will provide me with a loving and caring relationship, someone who can give me the security of knowing that if anything should happen to me, my children will be raised in a strong, progressive African-American household. And I’ll do whatever it takes to find her.

Photo Credit: John Lawler