Time may not heal all wounds but it certainly has a knack for providing clarity.
And when you look at the history of black women starting from slavery and the mammy era to the strong black woman schema of the present day, it’s clear to see how our tendency to show up as dependable and reliable over centuries has been costly.
Without recognizing it, we became everything to everybody while simultaneously being too depleted to show up for ourselves, let alone for our families, communities or workplaces.
But this emotional labor we have taken on for so long is starting to produce a call for sweeping resignations.
When I spoke to women about what emotional labor looked like for them I received a wide array of responses.
Kara Stevens, the founder of The Frugal Feminista and author of heal your relationship with money described emotional labor as “the work of smoothing over tension, remembering important details about people’s lives, anticipating needs before they’re spoken, and creating a sense of stability for everyone around you.”
Psychologist and Parenting Coach Dr. Darlene M. Davis Goodwine said “Emotional labor is the lifting, carrying or management of emotional intelligence for others. And there’s a difference between emotional awareness and emotional intelligence.”
Because the weight of what black women carry for others is often unseen it can be easily dismissed.
“People misunderstand how it affects every other area of your life.” Maximized Money Founder and Certified Financial Educator, Joshlyn Ross said. “My mother often calls me to share the latest family drama, and I’ve had to set a boundary to remind her that I have my own challenges.”
Miyah Davis, a medical student at Charles R Drew’s University of Medicine and Science, quietly resigned from becoming a Chief Emotional Officer through the career choice she made. Rather than the fields of pediatrics, gynecology and primary care — roles typically selected by women who now make up roughly half of medical school graduates — Miyah decided to pursue surgery.
“[Pediatrics] requires a patient and somewhat witty personality,” she said. “I realize my personality is more suited for the fast-paced, precision-oriented environment of the operating room. I crave the immediate, tangible impact of surgical intervention.”
Career choice is just one of the ways black women can opt out or at least reduce the impact emotional labor has on them. Another is the decision on whether or not to have children.
“I knew motherhood wasn’t for me when I moved to DC as a young mid-20-something-year-old woman,” Ross said. “It was the first time that I saw powerful women with money, style, and freedom who created themselves. [They] were senior leaders, stylish, actively involved in their communities, well-traveled, and took full control over creating their dream lives. I love babies, but I desire to be a wealthy, well-traveled, well-cultured woman who is living out her purpose and getting paid well for it.”
The National Women’s Law Center created an interactive tool to examine the wage gap for mothers by state and by race and discovered in one state that full-time, year-round working moms earn $0.73 for every dollar paid to white, non-Hispanic fathers, but for Black mothers, this rate lowered to $0.56.
So beyond the emotional toll, being a mother or any sort of caretaker does have a financial impact.
“For many Black women, caregiving responsibilities can also extend beyond the immediate household,” Stevens said. “In many families and communities, Black women serve as a financial and emotional safety net—helping relatives navigate job loss, medical issues, childcare needs, or housing instability. “When women are consistently redirecting resources to support others, it can limit their ability to pursue income growth, invest, or prioritize long-term financial planning.”
What do we do with this then? While a mass exodus is tempting, many of us are each other’s support persons. While support does not always have to stop, it certainly has to shift if we’re committed to building lives far different from what many of our mothers and grandmothers experienced.
For generations, Black women have been asked to carry families, institutions and communities on their back. As “admirable” as this has been, if the strength to carry everyone else isn’t stewarded over well we’ll end up burned out with nothing to show for it.
“By the grace of God, I’m building a life that accommodates both my ambition and my personal joy, as they aren’t mutually exclusive.” M. Davis said.
The moment emotional labor stops being the cultural expectation black women can begin living and leading from a place of overflow instead of exhaustion.
Brieanna Lightfoot Smith is a leadership strategist and R.E.S.T.™ practitioner guiding people towards sustainable and balanced success. Her signature R.E.S.T.™ framework and Freedom & Flow Planning System equip individuals to lead from a place of overflow and not exhaustion. Connect with her on LinkedIn.