Dating Diva J.J. Smith’s Tips
How to Enjoy the Dating Life
Dating can be such an emotional roller coaster. First there’s the soft beat of your heart when he asks for your number. Then there’s the stress of waiting for his call, followed by the buildup of expectations of what he’ll be like when you finally get to hang out. And finally the let down that he may not be the Prince Charming you were waiting for. “Dating Diva” and author of “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating” J.J. Smith says stop giving yourself the crazies over dating, eliminate the pressure to find Mr. Right and get proactive about meeting new people and that roller coaster ride will feel more like a pleasant stroll on the boardwalk.
Here are her 10 tips for enjoying the dating life.
1.Learn to Date to Have Fun, Not Just to Find a Husband
Since the process of dating does not have to end in a marriage, we have to be able to quickly discern whether a man is a potential partner for dating versus someone who is a good life partner or husband. Once you know the difference, you won’t try to make every man you meet your husband. Every relationship does not have to last forever; sometimes you meet guys with whom you have a loving relationship for just a season. I know you might be thinking that you don’t want to have fun dating, you want to get married. Well, if that is your end goal, you need to know that how you live as a single person determines the type of men you attract into your life. When you are living the life you want as a single woman, you will attract the men who are right for you. Having a full, productive single life is key to achieving a fulfilling committed relationship. If you are unhappy single, you will likely be unhappy married, except you can then blame your spouse instead of yourself for your unhappiness. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is your own happiness.
2. Date NO LESS Than 3 Men at a Time
If you are not in a committed exclusive relationship, you should continue to have several guys as available date options. Having several men to date will build your confidence and self-esteem. It will allow you to hone your dating skills, such as improving your communication style on dates. We can date many men and enjoy their company until we find someone worth having a meaningful relationship with. If you meet a guy you like, don’t get rid of the others and focus all of your energy and efforts on the one man you like. It’s OK to have a prioritized order of the guys that you’re dating, and as you meet new guys that you like more, you just remove the least favorite date from the rotation. If the guy at the top of the list doesn’t call you, one of the others likely will. I would encourage you to learn to simply enjoy the company of men. Remember, I’m encouraging you to DATE, and not to have sex with many men. I’m not trying to encourage promiscuity. That is an individual choice that I personally do not advocate. Once we’re able to determine a man that is “good for dating” vs. “good for marriage”, we will to stop trying to make every guy we date our husband or our long-term committed partner. If we allow dating relationships for fun and recreation, we can simply have fun and enjoy a man’s company.
3. Increase the Quantity of Men You Meet With Speed Dating
Speed dating is for those who don’t want to invest a lot of time in meeting new people, but they want to increase the quantity of people they meet. Speed dating provides four to five minute introductions of many men or women (about 20-25) at one event. It feels like a game, where a guy talks to a woman for four to five minutes, and then moves on to the next seat and talks to the next woman. The goal is to have a power introduction of yourself that lets you describe who you are in just a few short minutes. It is definitely fun. Instead of spending a lunch or dinner with someone who might be the wrong guy, you just spend four to five minutes with him. With a lot of people, this is enough time to determine if you want to see them again. In speed dating, you meet a lot of men in a short time frame. At the end of the evening, contact info is exchanged between the men and women who are both interested in each other.
4. Hire a Modern-Day Hitch (Matchmaker)
Personal matchmaking services have gotten more popular in the last few years. The services work for you because you pay them to find a match. Most of these services conduct a phone or in-person interview covering your background and preferences in a mate. Your assigned matchmaker researches and screens matches for you until a suitable mate is found. If both individuals accept the match, an introduction between the two is arranged so they can meet and schedule a date. Most good matchmaking services cost at least $1,000 because of all the work to search and find someone suitable for you. There are also some very high end matchmakers that charge $10,000 or more due to their ability to match you with upscale, wealthy individuals. Some of the personal matchmaking services that I have personally used or know others who have personally used are the Modern Matchmaker (http://www.onedegreefrom.me), Selective Search, and It’s Just Lunch.
5. Go Out By Yourself and Mingle Alone
Now, if you want to have a girls’ night out, by all means do so, and enjoy the company of your sistas.But you should limit the number of women you hang out with in one setting when you want to meet new men.The number one reason for this is that men will be less inclined to approach you if you’re with a larger group. Men have a fear of being rejected, and it’s even worse to be rejected in front of several women.Try to hang out with one woman at best when you’re “man hunting,” and even if you do hang out with one woman, don’t stay glued to her all night. Just plan on connecting at a pre-arranged time but mingle alone. You will be much more approachable to men if you are by yourself. If you are out to meet men with a bunch of women, free yourself from the pack, be confident and go mingle alone. Give this strategy a try, and I think you’ll see that it increases the number of men you meet while you’re out.
6. Add 3 Things to Your Wardrobe:Stilettos, Push-up Bras and Stretch Jeans
In other words, it’s time to get your SEXY back (or get it for the first time). Do not underestimate the importance of sexy attire. I know that you must be thinking, ‘If I dress sexy, the only type of man who I will attract is one that wants to have sex with me.’ Well, that is true, but here is a news flash:Men ask women out because they are physically or sexually attracted to them. Of course, he’s asking you out because he wants to have sex with you. I don’t understand it when women say they want a man to love them for who they are. Well of course, but they will never get to know who you are if they are not initially attracted or drawn to you. A man is not going to ask you out if he’s not attracted to your physical appearance. If you don’t attract him or get his attention, you’ll never get a chance to share all the wonderful aspects of your personality. The bottom line is that it’s your exterior that gets his attention, and it is who you are on the inside that keeps him coming back for more.
7. Move to Cities Where the Men Outnumber the Women
Even though nationally, women outnumber men, there are some male-dominated cities that have more single men than single women. A few of the best cities to meet single men over 35 include San Jose, California, Salt Lake City, Utah, Arlington, Texas, and Raleigh, North Carolina.In the past, women typically met men in grocery stores, bars/lounges, church, work, gyms/exercise centers and at car shows. These places are still great options for meeting men, but they have also gotten stale and simply don’t generate the quantity of dates required for women to have enough options. Many single women don’t know the best places for meeting a large quantity of men. A friend of mine is a great fisherman and he spends a considerable amount of time planning the best locations to find fish for that day. It’s the same with dating. If you don’t put yourself in the places to meet more men, you’re never going to find them. You will have to participate in activities and go to places that are dominated by men. These are locations where the men typically outnumber the women. And sistas, if you are living in Atlanta and still complaining about not finding a “good black man” then your dating woes are likely to continue with female to male ratio being something like 20 to 1.
8. Understand What Type of Women Men are Attracted to and Become One
I know for me, even though I was educated and successful in my career I didn’t have the options in men that I have now at 40. I can really say that I didn’t understand what it took to really attract men in my 20s.Additionally, if you know women who are happy in married or committed relationships, then pay close attention to them and learn from them. If you think about it, most of us have never been taught how to date to find a compatible partner. There was no college course for it. Yes, many women have received advice from family or friends. We may have taken advice from other single women. But most of us are winging it as we go. There are some women who are obviously better at it than others…so learn from these women!
9. Develop Friendships with Heterosexual Men
Single women spend way too much time with other single women. One thing I have learned over the last 10 years is how to “date and relate” to men, which is why I say women need to hang out and develop friendships with heterosexual men in order to better understand them. If you spend time around men and observe their behavior, you’ll have a much better idea of how they think about women. This will help you better understand what’s going on when you are interacting with a man and getting to know him. As an example, if you want to know what men find sexy in women, check out the sexy magazines that guys read.Also, try to get immersed in guy things, such as sports and cars. This will help you engage with a man when you’re getting to know him. It is important to be “friends with your man” so begin now by learning to better relate to your male friends.
10. Learn to Love the Single Life and Forget About Marriage
It’s important to learn to be happy while you’re single. Single women are beginning to realize that they actually have a lot of time to create a meaningful life for themselves, and they are deciding to pursue their dreams. Being single is not a problem, but an opportunity to reinvest in your life and your spiritual growth. Maximize your career, interests, hobbies and relationships while you’re single, and make that time the best days of your life. Many single women jump in and out of relationships because they don’t want to be alone.There is a major difference between being “lonely” and “aloneness.” Know that you may be alone, but you don’t have to be lonely in life. Alone is defined as separate, apart, unique or unequaled.In contrast, being lonely is defined as lacking friendly companionship. If you have a full life of family, friends and dates, you don’t have to lack companionship in your life and, therefore, you don’t have to be lonely. Being single and alone can be a wonderful experience. It’s the perfect time for adventure, fun, romance, self-discovery and renewal. Enjoy your single life and work on your personal happiness and enjoying the wonderful friends and family in your life.
About J.J. Smith
J.J. Smith is a dating expert, author, radio host and life coach. She has lent her relationship expertise to a number of media outlets including NBC4, FOX5, the Montel Williams Show and more. Her book “Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating” is a single lady’s guide to having fun while playing the dating game. She also hosts “Real Talk with JJ and the Fellas” an internet radio show that offers real, honest dating and relationships advice.