Last week’s post received so many comments that I felt a need to respond. Solely blaming Black women for their “singleness” is like placing all the accountability on Black men for their high unemployment rate. If there’s a trend, then there’s likely an underlying issue. Yes, personal accountability comes into play but there are a plethora of other factors that erode the potential for an even playing field. It’s so easy to tell women to close their legs, love harder, wait longer, give more, talk less, look elsewhere, cook better, etc…the list goes on and on. In my opinion, that’s not the issue. I have many married friends and one thing is true: Their husbands loved them as they were. I’m not suggesting that mediocrity is ok. These are amazing women–but they are not perfect. The constant is they found men who were marriage-minded and were willing to do the real work it takes to make them last. These men valued having a supportive woman and if she wasn’t the best cook, a financial guru or available to wait on him hand and foot they communicated their needs and worked it out. They didn’t tout statistics being in their favor and think because they were BMW’s (Black Men Working) they should be worshipped for doing what they were supposed to do. They did however give love and expect it in return. If I knew where to find these men I’d post the place–after I got mine–but it ain’t that simple. I do suspect that many more men want to be like this–since so many of the men I’ve dated say they want marriage–but they don’t have the emotional tools, so it’s easier to take the road paved in various G-strings. I get it. I do. But don’t call the good girl when the bird spends your child support payment on her Girl’s Trip to Miami or doesn’t have the patience to teach your son vowel sounds. I think “strong” Black women are often envied for thriving and then vilified because their coping mechanisms (i.e. handling business) don’t have an easily pushed off switch. Both men and women of our generation have suffered due to the lack of male presence in our households as children. Good fathers teach their daughters how to love, trust and obey the men in their lives without fear that their needs will not be met. Good dads teach their sons how to protect, live honorably and be all-seeing leaders in a household. When it comes to relationships, I don’t think I’m faultless but no man I’ve ever dated will say I didn’t love, support or honor him. (I do have to work on mastering the art of silence, *lol*.) I am not alone. Many of my Black female friends have a lot of love to offer and have processed their issues to death. We can not change by ourselves. More of our men have to try. Marriage is the foundation of all communities. We need both parties to see the value in it or we will forever be looking at the tail lights of other racial and ethnic groups as they pass by (i.e. better neighborhoods, schools, small businesses, and productive children). Having a mate is natural. I believe mine will be brown–I’m not sure what hue. I do know that he will have to understand that in order to receive all the love and respect he demands, he’ll have to deserve it. I accept the same call to duty. We will both have to put our past hurts behind and love with reckless disregard for our pride and past our limited societal examples and do what is right. I know I am strong but I am willing to be weak for love…or at least try ok, I promise. Ladies and Gentlemen, tell me what you think about the art of compromise when it comes to love. Read More:
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