Ask Finesse April

Q. My friend is constantly saying he wants “a good woman.” Well, I’m right here! We dated in our early twenties, but it didn’t work out because he had commitment issues. Nine years later, I’ve been there for him through thick and thin, but we’re still just friends. What can a sista do to make him see she’s the one?

A: You can’t. Trust me, he knows how you feel about him. But you have to chill until he realizes for himself how he feels about you. In the meantime, go out and date men who don’t take nine years to make a good decision.

Women make a big mistake when they try to force men to see the obvious. If a guy doesn’t figure something out for himself, he’ll only resent you later because you figured it out for him. And then prepare for a backlash if something goes wrong. After all, it was your plan.

You should also consider that his hesitation might not be about whether or not you would be a “good woman” for him. It could be about his knowing a reason why he wouldn’t be a good man for you. Trust his hesitation to mean he’s still not ready for you. Pressing the issue only endangers the friendship.

Can’t sit and wait any longer? Tell him you think you two should spend less time together–and really mean it. If he asks why–and wait for him to ask, because if he doesn’t, stop bothering this man!–tell him the truth. After you’ve had his back for nearly a decade, you two should be more than just buddies. If he doesn’t agree, accept that you were only meant to be friends, and use some of that time apart from him to find a man who’s crazy about you. But if he says, “Wait! I can’t breathe without you, girl,” tell him to prove it.

Got a relationship question for comedian Finesse Mitchell? Send it to us at askfinesse@essence.com. You can also visit him online at finessemitchell.com.