When it comes to keeping the love and happiness in your relationship there are certain things you have to do for better or for worse. To help keep the harmony of your union in tact, we asked professional matchmaker, motivational speaker and creator of Together Apart, Chris Kazi Rolle, for insight on 4 things happy couples should never do.
“Walking around holding onto grudges is something happy couples don’t do. Insecurity and a lack of trust shows up in so many ways in a relationship. When it helps the couples to be happy, they let go of stuff. They don’t really hold onto little things. They always find a way to work it out because their communication is really good and they always know how to problem solve. Those are two of the biggest tools that you can have in your relationship,” says Chris Kazi Rolle says professional matchmaker, motivational speaker and creator of Together Apart.
“If you can solve problems which is any time that something comes up you know how to get through it or you’re able to get through it. Couples who can’t not get through it end up just being a toxic relationship or the relationship ends up failing because those tough times or tough talks end up eating away at the fabric and the foundation in a relationship. When you can communicate really well whether that’s timeouts or whether that’s respecting each other’s boundaries, whether that’s admitting when you’re wrong and being fair around that you just happen to just get through things. When you find that level of understanding and connection with somebody, you’re just really always in a happy place.”
“There should be zero tolerance for overstepping each other’s boundaries. If one side is uncomfortable with something, sometimes out of love you want to do what the other person wants even though it’s something that’s not good for you. If you have one side where you want something to be understood by your partner and you just need a break, you don’t want to continue in the conversation because it’s getting a little strenuous. You don’t want to be disrespectful or you don’t want to get into an argument and so you might say, ‘Hey let’s just take a pause and have some time.’ Then the other person might feel as if you know what I want to stay in this, but you’ve reached your boundary threshold, that’s when disrespect starts,” Rolle shares.
“We start talking to each other in the way that’s not loving and all of it could be solved if we just take a minute to let temperatures come down and just get back to a place of peace. Then when you speak from that place, it makes everything flow a little bit easier. Happy couples just respect each other’s boundaries.”
“I generally don’t prescribe to a one size fit all because every relationship is different. I think across the board is respect but that means different things for each person and every relationship. Social media is a big part of relationships now and making sure your partner is comfortable always boils down to respect, respecting the time that you spend together, respect that person, in terms of their voice, being really connected. It’s hard to be fully where you are when part of you is not in that moment,” Rolle added.
“I think that every couple should just talk about what is comfortable for them and respect your partner. If y’all made an agreement that hey we’re not going to do anything around social media, that’s cool. After a certain hour, some people say, ‘hey, it’s time to put the phone down for the sake of this relationship.’ When you move into certain times of the day and if you’re in a relationship and the person is sitting right there, or you’re at dinner and you’re on the phone, or you’re texting or you’re scrolling on Instagram while you’re together, I think that you miss out on moments.”
“There are happy couples who don’t live by that particular rule of “we won’t go to bed angry.” They live by a bigger rule which is we don’t hold grudges against each other. If we don’t understand, we just agree to disagree. We’ll get out and we’ll revisit it the following day,” the happily married man says.
“Have rules, or a way that they engage with each another. They’re always trying to understand where you’re coming from. There’s actually a quote by one of my favorite authors. His name is Stephen Covey. He has a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. He says, ‘Always seek first to understand. Then to be understood.’ That’s a great practice.”