As certified relationship coaches and professional matchmakers we meet with clients that have been in relationships for two, four, or even seven plus years and still have no idea where the relationship is going. They don’t have a title or timeline to move the relationship forward to a solid commitment and they feel stuck on what to do. Here are five quick steps to help determine where you stand and how to start the conversation to get to the bottom of things once and for all.
Step 1. Please DON’T start with “We need to talk” He will run fast! Men usually know they have done something wrong or they are already defensive before the conversation starts. We suggest creating a “safe zone”, a very calming and relaxed atmosphere where the two of you to talk and there’s reassurance that this is a no judgement conversation.
Step 2. Build him up by sharing all of the wonderful things you love about him. Let him know what you have enjoyed about the relationship and reminisce about the memories you’ve created along the way and even share how much you look forward to creating more memories together in the future. Again, you are laying it all out for him, (You’re ALL IN)
Step 5A. If his answer is favorable and you received the answers you need to move forward. We recommend that you show your excitement and begin sharing and becoming more open and transparent in your relationship. Begin planning your future together as a couple and include in the planning. Remember now that you are officially exclusive; the plan is to keep this relationship moving forward into long-term love or eventually marriage! Congratulations!
Step 3. Let him know what YOU want for your life and where you would like to see the relationship progress. Be specific. Men need direct communication where there’s no gray area.
Step 4. To encourage more dialogue from him, ask questions like How do you envision “US?” or What are your plans to move OUR relationship forward? Use terms like WE, US, OUR, TOGETHER. And wait and let him answer. Just smile and be quiet. We know it’s difficult not to interject but you want to allow him an opportunity to think about his answer and share his thoughts.
Step 5. Keep in mind, he may or may not respond exactly the way you had hoped and you need to have in mind what your course of action is going to be. Be consistent, stick to the plan and be optimistic!
Step 5B. If his response in not favorable, or what you want to hear, we suggest thanking him for sharing his feelings and taking a moment to digest what was shared so you can respond another time with the plan that works best for you going forward. Remember, you asked for him to share and now you have it. Keep your mind on the end goal (a committed relationship) If this is something he is not willing to give, don’t compromise someone else will be all in!
Fisher Gilmore Matchmaking is an exclusive agency of “heart hunters” led by The Matchmaking DUO™ (Kelli Fisher & Tana Gilmore). They provide matchmaking services personally designed to accommodate busy, successful professionals who are seeking long-term love. They pride themselves on giving their clients a lot of what they want, and even more of what they need. For more advice from them visit their site or follow them on Facebook or Twitter.